Tag Archives: Seriously

Where’s Ice Street?

Saturday night Kiefer and I went out for dinner and then…of course…dessert. As we walked toward the ice cream parlor, a young British chap on a bicycle stopped us.

Brit: Excuse me…

Such a polite young man.

Kiefer: Yes?

Brit: Would you happen to know where Ice Street is located?

Kiefer: I think it’s by the courthouse. Go down 2 blocks and then turn left.

Brit: Thank you! I’m going to beat the f**k out of someone.

Thoughtsy: Good luck!

Kiefer and I exchanged glances as the Brit rode off into the sunset…to beat the eff out of someone.

Kiefer: What just happened? What the….

Thoughtsy: That…was…AWESOME! After we get our ice cream, can we walk down to Ice Street?

Kiefer: I can’t believe you said, “Good luck.”

On the walk back, we hoped to pass the bloodied Brit, so he could say something like, “You should see the other guy.” No such luck.

 Favorite Comment From Last Post: “When Noah was really little – like 3 – he put his hands on either side of my face and said, ‘Don’t look Mommy. It won’t hurt as much.’ It didn’t.”—KimPugliano


Just a Prick

I hate needles. But pregnancy and miscarriage mean lot of needles and blood taking.

Really it’s a wonder I have any blood left. I gave like 12 vials of blood, and I heard the human body only holds 15 vials of blood. Even vampires don’t want me.

Behold the dark humor from a blood draw.

Lab Tech: You’re here for….

Thoughtsy: I’m having blood drawn.

Lab Tech: I see. But you just had blood drawn 2 days ago?

Thoughtsy: Yes, but I’m pregnant. And now I’m bleeding. (I couldn’t bring myself to say “miscarrying.”)

Lab Tech: Congratulations! (::realizes what I just said::) Ohhhh. (::awkwardly changes the subject::) The doctor only wants 1 vial?

Thoughtsy: Thank goodness. I don’t need to give up any more blood. (::attempting to laugh::)

Lab Tech: Why only 1 vial?

Seriously? Kiefer explains that the doctor only wants my HCG level (on the nearly nonexistent chance I’m not having a miscarriage) before going upstairs for our appointment. Finally, she takes us back to the room.

Thoughtsy: Just so you know, I tend to pass out when I have shots or blood drawn.

Lab Tech: Well, you’re just going to have to grow up and get over that.

Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: W. T. F.

Lab Tech: Oh. I forgot the sticker for the vial. I’ll be right back. Have a seat.

When she returns…

Lab Tech: Please put out your arm. Oh…wait…I need to put on my gloves.

Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: First the sticker, now the gloves. I hope she forgets the needle.

Lab Tech: (::she ties off my arm::) Oh. I need a holder. (::she unties my arm::) Oh. Here it is.

At this point, I wanted to request a new tech because I was sure this lady was about to amputate my arm. But no one else was available.

I had to settle for Kiefer watching her like a hawk. Luckily, it didn’t hurt. And blood didn’t squirt everywhere.

Lab Tech: See? Just a prick.

Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: I want to prick your face. 

Any tricks for having your blood taken? What’s your worst blood draw experience?

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “The husband and I dressed as Santa and a dominatrix one year and went as a subordinate clause.”—Prttynpnk


A Pop-Tart Falling Out

Pop-Tarts are officially…

  • in the dog house.
  • on the chopping block.
  • receiving my cold shoulder.
  • in hot water.
  • sleeping on the couch.

Out of the goodness of my heart, I volunteered to be the unofficial, unpaid Pop-Tart spokeswoman. And what has it gotten me?

Nothing.

I wrote Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts explaining how much I love Pop-Tarts and asked if they had something free to hand out at BlogHer to promote their product (and my blog).

DENIED!

Here’s the response:

How thoughtful of you to take the time to let us know that you love Kellogg’s® Pop-Tarts® as much as we do and that you take the time to blog about how much you enjoy them.

As you can imagine, each day our company receives numerous requests for product samples. While we wish that we could provide products to all of the individuals and organizations who contact us, the tremendous number of these requests simply makes it impossible for us to do so.

Meanwhile, we want you to know how much we appreciate the time you took to reach out to us. Thank you for your compliment.

Seriously? Hmph.

Not since last year’s Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tart debacle have Pop-Tarts and I been this much on the outs.

Our relationship is so one-sided. I don’t know if we can recover from this. (::sniffle::)

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “They should be deeply ashamed! Beer and pop tarts don’t mix (even the fake stuff). This photo is deeply disturbing.”—Angelia Sims


You Call That a Crab Cake?

Dear States Other Than Maryland,

I live in Maryland. Home of the crab. Crab dip, crab cakes, crab anything—We do it right.

When you order a crab cake in Maryland, this is what you get:

Note that there is more crab than filler.

A dome of chunky crab meat. Mmmmm….

While visiting another state (I won’t point any fingers), I made the mistake of ordering a Maryland crab cake. A mistake that I won’t make ever again.

Because when you order a Maryland crab cake while you’re in another state, you get a freakin’ crabby patty that’s more bread than crab. Seriously? Pathetic….

I should sue you for pain, suffering, disappointment, and other damages. The State of Maryland should sue you for slander or false advertising. Lawyered!

Please take immediate action. On every menu that lists Maryland Crab Cakes, please remove Maryland Crab Cake and replace it with Mediocre Crab Cake or Not-a-Maryland Crab Cake.

Thank you for your prompt attention in this matter.

Very crabby,

Thoughtsy

PS: If you don’t have Old Bay, don’t even bother serving crab. Did you just say, What’s Old Bay? I can’t even look at you right now I’m so upset.


Moby Dick Spotted in the Gulf of Mexico

I’m back! You missed me, didn’t you? You want cruise details, don’t you?

Two Saturdays ago, we boarded our cruise ship: The Pequod. We didn’t meet the captain right away, but we chatted with the bartender (Flask), the porter (Ishmael), and the barista (Starbuck).

Thanks to his neverending flow of strawberry margaritas, me and Flask are like this (::fingers crossed::) now.

When we finally did meet Captain Ahab, he announced that instead of sailing to Cozumel and Grand Cayman, we would hunt whales instead.

 

Our captain then revealed that he was looking for one whale in particular: the Great White Whale. Captain Ahab seemed a little off his rocker peg leg.

After hearing about a whale that ate someone’s arm, I began to think chasing whales was not safe.

One night I awoke from a nightmare about a peg arm when a typhoon struck! The dramamine didn’t help, so I projectile vomited everywhere.

Finally, we found the Great White Whale, and it destroyed everything.

Except for me. Obviously.

I should totally write a novel based on my experience.

Seriously though, I have bunches to tell you about the cruise, but here are the highlights:

  • Strawberry margaritas are a good Pop-Tart substitute.
  • I found Pete the Penguin.
  • The best cruise diet is watermelon and dessert.
  • Snorkeling is aweschome.
  • I stabbed someone with a ice cream cone.