The Greatest Cover Up of All Time: Osama Is a Zombie

Do you believe in conspiracies? I believe some. For example, I believe that salmonella is a fake disease made-up by adults, so children won’t eat all of the raw cookie dough. Warm cookies are delicious, too.

Recently, I watched movie about another conspiracy. A more important conspiracy.

Brace yourselves….

Osama Bin Laden is not dead. He is undead. He’s a zombie.

Here’s what I learned from watching the movie Osombie:

• Don’t go swimming  in the ocean. Osombie will eat you.
• Some guys hate wearing shirts. It could be snowing, and he’d still say he was too hawt hot to wear a shirt.
• What do our Warfighters need? They need zombie protection.
• Soldiers don’t need guns to kill zombies; they need Samurai swords.

That’s all I learned…because I didn’t finish watching the movie.

Wait…I did learn a new song: One little, two little, three little zombies. Shoot them in the head and wipe the brains off me.

And the movie did raise a very interesting question: Do zombies poop?

I don’t know. That’s why I didn’t finish watching the movie. I didn’t want to find out.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I have my attorney put a cupcake clause in every contract. I gained so much weight now I also need a Hoveround clause.”—Pegoleg

Salmonella: The Biggest Conspiracy Ever

Time to test your knowledge. Are the following items real or made up?

• Aliens
• Bigfoot
• Nessie the Lochness Monster
• Abominable Snowman
• Salmonella

Hopefully you answered “real” for all of them except one. Salmonella is the biggest conspiracy ever. It’s not real. Let me explain….

Raw Cookie Dough

I’ve been eating raw cookie dough for years, and I’ve never had salmonella.

Salmonella isn’t real. It’s just something parents made up, so there would actually be dough left to make cookies. And because parents don’t want their children all hopped up on sugar running around like mini-maniacs.

The Name “Salmonella”

Say “Salmon.” Now say “Ella.” It should have sounded like “Sam-on-Ella.” Want me to use it in a sentence?

Look behind the bleachers, and you’ll see some Sam-on-Ella action.

When you’re talking about the fish, you don’t pronounce the “L.” Suddenly, when you’re talking about the bacteria, you pronounce the “L.”

That smells fishy to me. Sounds like someone tried to kill two birds with one stone catch two fish with one worm by stopping children from eating raw cookie dough while correcting the pronunciation of the fish.

The Symptoms (and My Potty Mouth)

You know what happens when you contract this so-called salmonella? You get faucet butt. That’s it. Then it passes.(Bwahahaha! It passes!) So how do you know if you had faucet butt from salmonella or if you got the runs from something else? You don’t know.

In conclusion, if you have children, perpetuate the salmonella myth because that means more raw cookie dough for you.

Celebrity Rehab, Here I Come!

To help cut down on desserts, I’ve decided to replace them with these substitutes:

• Marshmallows are a good fat free snack, so I’m sure the vodka is equally as healthy.
• Orange Whipped Vodka. Orange counts as a fruit.
• Cookie Dough Vodka is safer than raw cookie dough because there’s no salmonella.
• Cotton Candy Vodka…I have no healthy argument for this.

So my question is…How famous do you have to be for Celebrity Rehab? Just in case this substitution creates a problem in the future, I want to be prepared.

But I can stop any time I want. So I’ll be fine.