Tag Archives: Pop-Tarts

The Manhattan Project Gave Us Pop-Tarts

The other day I was researching the effects Pop-Tarts might have on my unborn child. I was hoping to find things like:

  • For blue eyes, eat blueberry Pop-Tarts.
  • For brown eyes, eat smore Pop-Tarts.
  • For a baby girl, eat cherry Pop-Tarts.
  • For freckles, eat sprinkled Pop-Tarts.
  • To cure morning sickness, eat Pop-Tarts at every meal.

Apparently, no research has been done on any of that. Obviously, our economy is still going downhill if important Pop-Tart experiments aren’t being performed.

What I did stumble across was this. A Pop-Tart-hater site.

If this is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

 This site claims the following:

  • The frosting is made from either the blood of a virgin or the saliva of the three-headed canine guardian of Hell’s gate, Cerberus.
  • The main ingredient is evil.
  • They are usually sold in pairs inside packages made of human flesh.
  •  If left out after heating, Pop-Tarts take on a very dense and hardened form, making them very convenient for use as crude bladed weapons, or as throwing stars.

Most importantly, frosted Pop-Tarts are not suitable for vegetarians, as they contain gelatin.

Lies! Lies, I tell you! All of this is mere propaganda probably spread by the folks at Toaster Strudel.

I’m onto you, you Strudel-de-doos. I’m onto you….

Haters gonna hate.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Wait a minute. No sober person has ever eaten a pickled egg…except now, you, pregnant, eat pickled eggs. Soooooo…pickled eggs where drunk people and pregnant people intersect, but they aren’t allowed to be the same people. I made a really cool Venn Diagram to illustrate this, but I can’t save it.”—Omawarisan


Adults Like Pop-Tarts, Too

Before I went to BlogHer last year, I asked Kellogg’s if they would send me some promotional Pop-Tart stuff to hand out.

This was their response (exagerrated paraphrased):

We’re glad you are addicted to, errrr, love Pop-Tarts. Unfortunately, we can’t just go around sending free Pop-Tarts to anyone who asks for them.

Excuse me? Don’t you know who I am? I’m not just anyone: I’m your unofficial spokesperson.

pop-tarts

Sure, if you Google “Pop-Tarts” and go to “Images, ” my blog doesn’t come up until page 10, but if you Google “Pop-Tart vodka,” I’m on page 1 and every other page. In fact, almost half of those pictures are from my blog.

  • An early picture of my vodka collection (It has since then doubled.)
  • Pop-Tarts from the Hipster
  • Mini vodka bottles
  • The Dude-flavored vodka
  • Me blowing out the candle on the birthday cupcake from Misty
  • Me eating Misty’s homemade maple-bacon Pop-Tart
  • A picture of me and Jules.

And so many other pictures of random vodka flavors and random Pop-Tart flavors, always lamenting for Pop-Tart vodka.

I realize a lot of them are vodka-related, and that isn’t real marketable to a younger audience, but adults like Pop-Tarts, too.

That’s my new slogan: Adults Like Pop-Tarts, Too.

Would adding “Boo-Ya!” at the end be too much?

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Dear Mom, It’s my job and I’m doing it Like a Boss. Love, Your Little Pup-Tart. PS – Sleep is overrated. You’ll want to put that on a sleep shirt. PPS – That’s called irony & I’m already a genius.”—NanaBread

 


I Have a Dream

Every night I have the same dream. I dream of a world full of my favorite desserts. A world where…

  • Cookies and cream ice cream flows freely,
  • Smores marshmallows are golden brown,
  • Carrot cake is considered a vegetable,
  • Every day is Halloween,
  • Pop-Tarts grow on trees,
  • Cupcakes fall from the sky with tiny parachutes,
  • Key lime pie sprouts from the ground, and
  • It rains fun-flavored martinis.

Today I woke up and thought my dream was about to come true when I saw this:

Pop-Tart vodka? With sprinkles inside? If that is possible, anything is possible!

Then I saw it wasn’t real.

Some things just aren’t funny.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: The Hipster and Misty’s exchange starting here.


Are You a Giver or a Taker?

It’s my birthday month! That’s right. Birthday month.

This year I’ve decided to take whole month. Mainly because Kiefer will be on travel on my actual birthday day. (Is “birthday day” redundant? I don’t care. I’m going with it.)

To kickoff my birthday month, I met Misty for key lime pie martinis dinner. And she gave me gifts. Because that’s what she does. She’s a giver.

She gave me this birthday cupcake!

You know I "accidentally" spit all over this, so Misty wouldn't want a bite.

You know I “accidentally” spit all over this, so Misty wouldn’t want a bite.

Because she’s a giver, she also gave me the Trifecta: Smores-Flavored Vodka, Pop-Tarts, and Oreos.

You know who is the opposite of Misty?

Esme Kitty. Esme is a taker. Esme took my marshmallows.

mallows

Not only did she take my mallows, she didn’t even close the bag.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Welcome to the house of testosterone.”—Omawarisan


Why Y’All Gotta Waste My Flavor?

Sometimes I’m too focused. Sometimes that’s a good thing, but sometimes it’s a bad thing. For example, I love the movie Empire Records so much that I forget other movies exist.

So when Darla reminded me that Mark from Empire Records is in other movies, like Can’t Hardly Wait , I rewatched it. And I realized that EVERYONE is in that movie.

Every. One. Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Marshall from How I Met Your Mother, Joy from My Name Is Earl, Les from Newsies, and the list just keeps going.

Anyways, the first 5 minutes of the movie reminded me why it’s awesome: Pop-Tarts.

Pop-Tart

If he had been eating an unfrosted Pop-Tart, I would have turned it off.

Any movie with Pop-Tarts is my kind of movie.

Here’s what I learned:

  • You’re destined to be with someone if you’re both eating Pop-Tarts. (I recently applied this knowledge in my life.)
  • You know what kind of girls are in college? Girls who used to be in high school.
  • If your friend tells you you’re prettier than Gwyneth Paltrow, your friend is lying.
  • Beer doesn’t go bad. It just tastes like that (i.e., bad).
move

Virgins should not attempt this move.

  • You should always carry a bookbag full of sex stuff because you’ll never know when you’ll lose your virginity.
  • There are plenty of trolley cars in the sea.
  • The song “Mandy” is about Barry Manilow’s dog.

Most importantly, I learned that Fate only takes you so far, the rest is upto you.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Do you think the gum is so expensive because it doubles as plane repair adhesive?”—GoJulesGo