See This Wedding Dress? It Means I Can’t Date You

On my way home from picking up my wedding dress, a truck pulled up next to me at a traffic light. The window was rolled down…and it was raining.

At the next light, I got impatient and let my car inch forward. They did the same.

I inched forward even more, and they did, too. I knew exactly where this was headed.

Hopefully, the next light would be green, and I could zoom off into the sunset.

The light was red.

Son of a….

Guy in Truck: My buddy wants your phone number.

Seriously?

Do you or do you not see the wedding dress in the passenger seat?

I know you saw the dress because it’s flippin’ huge.*

Le sigh.

Has anyone actually married someone they met at a traffic light? What about dated? Is that what the kids are doing these days? What happened to online dating?

*That is NOT my dress.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “For the crime of arachnacide you should get all the years in prison. All of them.”—Daile

It’s Not Goodbye. It’s See Ya Later!

A little over 3 years ago, my friend Blarney and I had this conversation:

Blarney: You’re funny. You can write and use the serial comma. And crazy stuff happens to you. You should start a blog.

Thoughtsy: What’s a blog?

Shortly after, Thoughts Appear was born.

When I met Blarney almost 5 years ago, despite her West Coastness and my East Coastness, we immediately hit it off.

Blarney: Hi! I’m Blarney. Nice to meet you!

Thoughtsy: I like you. You’re cool. I’m gonna make you my best friend!

Blarney: Uh…. Lucky for you, I like clingy.

Blarney and I discovered we had a lot in common, and we embarked on many adventures together. Some of which, I blogged about.

• She saved me from drunk guys hitting on me.
• We were roomies.
• I introduced her to Empire Records.
• We went to Hawaii (not really) and New Orleans (really).
• We became groupies for the Old 97s and Eytan and the Embassy.
• She let me borrow her dog Murphy for bean bag fluffing.

But in a couple days, Blarney is leaving. She’s moving back to the West Coast. And to make matters worse, my West Coast brother was home for a visit, and he leaves the day before Blarney leaves.

WHY IS EVERYONE ABANDONING ME?!

Someone needs to invent Pop-Tart-flavored ice cream ASAP. This is an emergency, people!

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Just an observation: You can’t spell ‘Team Ddot’ without double D’s.”—Hippie Cahier

Blarney and the Brit Save the Day

The Scene: Thoughtsy is at a bar for Blarney’s birthday. A random drunk guy begins on hitting on both Blarney and Thoughtsy.

Blarney, always a giver, throws herself on the “grenade” in an effort to save Thoughtsy: Thoughtsy has a boyfriend.

The plan backfires. Drunk Guy nodds. He likes a challenge, so he begins focusing all of his efforts on Thoughtsy.

Drunk Guy: My friends are at another bar, but I think I’ll stay here.

Thoughtsy: But your friends will miss you. You should probably go meet them.

Blarney sends in reinforcements. Cue the entrance of a Brit wearing a shirt that says, “When in Doubt, Pull Out.” Don’t be fooled: it’s a clever disguise.

Brit: Hi, Dear. How are you? (::stretches arm around Thoughtsy’s shoulders::)

Thoughtsy: Hi…Boyfriend!

Brit: Sweetie, it looks like you need another drink. Let’s go to the bar and get you one.

Thoughtsy: Boyfriend, you’re the best boyfriend ever.

At the bar…

Thoughtsy: Thank you so much for saving me from Drunk Guy! So how long have you been in the U.S.?

Brit: Why are you asking me that? How long have we been together? You’re a horrible girlfriend!

Thoughtsy: (::hangs head in shame::) So did you get one of the cupcakes I brought for Blarney’s birthday?

Brit: I don’t like cake.

Thoughtsy: (::staring in disbelief::) We need to break up. It’s not you; it’s me. I can’t date anyone who doesn’t like cupcakes. So what do you eat for dessert, Soon-To-Be-Ex-Boyfriend?

Brit: Spotted dick.

Thoughtsy: Seriously? Is this a pick-up line? Because it’s awful. Crap…Drunk Guy is coming back. (::throws arm back around shoulders::)

Brit: God, you’re clingy….

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Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Most key limes are imported now. Bam, citrus facts!”—Blurt