Tag Archives: pants

5 Days Post Halloween and Only 387 Pieces of Candy Left

Kiefer and I always take a “cut” of Boo’s and Radley’s candy on Halloween night.

Because I feel guilty, my cut is about 5 pieces from each boy, and it’s dark chocolate or candy that they don’t like. For Boo, that meant Almond Joys, and for Radley, that meant Milky Way Darks. I love both.

Kiefer, on the other hand, takes a greater percentage. And over the next couple weeks, he also gradually sneaks a handful or two to take to work.

The boys ended up with at least 3 times this much candy.

Upon inspection of all their candy, we found about 6 full-size candy bars in each bag. What the…. I NEVER got a full-size candy bar in all my years of trick-r-treating.

This Halloween I met one kid who deserved a full-size candy bar…and it wasn’t because he had an amazing costume.

Our neighbors set up a Yard Haunt. It’s a miniwalk through their yard to the front door. Scary guys in costume jump out at you. We hear a lot of screaming, and we enjoy it because we’re awful people who take pleasure in the screams of others.

One boy skipped the Yard Haunt, and we felt scream-deprived. So when he came to our porch, this happened:

Kid: Trick-R-Treat!

Kiefer: I’ll give you extra candy if you go next door.

Kid: I’m not doing that! It’s too scary! Last year, I pooped my pants!

That kid, and only that kid, deserved a full-size candy bar on Halloween.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Stop complaining….21-lb boobs will make you popular.”—Carmen

I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me

Three things that scare the bejeezus out of me. Three things that keep me awake at night. Three things that I consider my worst nightmare. Those three things are…

  1. A Pop-Tart shortage
  2. A chocolate shortage
  3. Aliens abducting, poking, probing, and prodding me (::shudder::)

If aliens are real, I want to be prepared. That’s why I viewed The Watch. They set up a Neighborhood Watch to catch a killer, and they ended up discovering aliens living in their ‘hood. Here’s what I learned:

  • It really pisses off the Neighborhood Watch when you egg them and then use the pun Yolk’s on you!
  • If you find a silver bowling ball, don’t put your fingers in it. Cows will die.
  • The best place to pitch a tent is in Costco.

    This is my kind of camping.

    This is my kind of camping.

  • If you find an alien, don’t drunk dance with him. He’ll get goo on your face.
  • Aliens are like some guys. Their brains are in their…pants.
  • Sometimes the Police Department rejects you because you’re just too awesome.

The most important lesson I learned is that aliens steal human skin, so they look exactly like humans. So look  at the person on your left, and then look at the person on your right. One of them may be an alien.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “She may be like Perry on Phineas & Ferb. There’s a hidden chute in the fireplace that leads to his base of operation, where he stores his spy gear. (It could happen.)”—Todd Pack

Shhh! Secret Single Behaviors

What do I do that I don’t want my boyfriend to see?

Since I’m now cohabiting with Kiefer, I rewatched an episode of Sex and the City that tackled that question.

Carrie stands in the kitchen eating jelly on crackers. Charlotte studies her pores. What are my secret single behaviors? What will Kiefer see that he doesn’t see now? And what will I have to change/hide?

  1. Eyebrow plucking. I mean…I don’t pluck. My eyebrows are just naturally that thin.
  2. After showering, I wander around in a towel. Sometimes it falls off…and I don’t bother putting it back on right away.  You can do that when it’s just you.
  3. I talk to Esme using the baby voice: Who’s a pretty kitty?
  4. I crank the music and run around lipsyncing into my hairbrush.
  5. I’ll gladly stay in my pajamas all day. Or get dressed, run to the grocery store, and change back into my pajamas when I return home.
  6. Esme loves chips. Sometimes I toss her one. Sometimes instead of eating it, she pushes it under the couch. Sometimes I forget to pick it up.
  7. Pants. I hate ’em. I hate wearing ’em, and I hate sleeping in ’em.
  8. Most of  my fake pants are too short to be Boo-Radley-appropriate.

What else should I be worried about (besides sharing a bathroom with Boo and Radley)?

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I used to have a Strawberry Shortcake doll. And by “used to” I mean, I still have her. Two of them actually…. Brad loves them. I think that’s why he keeps tucking them away in the corner of the attic, and then I keep getting them out and putting them on our bed to surprise him. It’s pretty much his favourite game.”—Queen Gen

When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go

On Saturday, Kiefer and some friends ran the Warrior Dash; I did not. Because I don’t like mud. Or wet shoes and socks.

Look at how much mud is on Kiefer. ::shudder:: 

No, Kiefer, you will not be receiving a finish line hug from me.

Once we parked, people kept walking by us into the woods. Thinking it was a short cut to the starting line, I headed in to scope it out.

Only it wasn’t a shortcut…it was a bathroom. And not just for guys, women were doing it, too.

Thoughtsy: (running back to Kiefer whispering) Oh my god, people are peeing in there!

That’s when I realized I had to pee. So I had a choice: Wait in a long line at nasty port-a-potties, or drop my pants behind a tree.

I opted for the tree. Because I didn’t want to be seen pantsless To be polite, I waited for everyone else to vacate the woods before heading in.

Do I really want to do this? I can’t even remember the last time I peed in the woods. Why break a 20-year-plus streak? 

Maybe I should ask someone to come with me? Girls pee in pairs, right? And this seems like a horror movie. What if there’s a crazed killer in these woods? I can’t run away with pants around my ankles. I can see the headline now: Blogger Dies In Her Own Pee.

Ewwww…wet grass just touched my ankle. DID SOMEONE ELSE’S PEE JUST GET ON ME?!?! Please be dew, please just be dew…. 

Finally, I did it: I peed behind a tree. Then some lady came traipsing into the woods, so I cut it short. At least my bladder was half empty (this is the only time “half empty” is optimistic).

Afterwards, my only comfort was Kiefer. He’s hoping to go camping soon, and my only input into the trip has been: “There has to be a bathroom and shower.”

Kiefer: I can’t believe you did that. I’m so proud of you. I’m seriously impressed. You just made my day.

I think he’s potty training me to go camping.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Serves them right for eating healthy dessert.”—Miss Four Eyes

You Remind Me of the Babe

You remind me of the babe. What babe? The babe with the power. What power? The power of voodoo. Who do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the babe.

Have you ever noticed that the movie Labyrinth is a lot like The Wizard of Oz?

Let’s do a comparison:

  • Munchkins = Goblins (avoids the issue of how PC the term “Munchkins” is)
  • Dorothy = Sarah (except brattier and more dramatic)
  • “There’s no place like home.” = “You have no power over me.” (more feminism)
  • Yellow Brick Road = Labyrinth (The road was too easy.)
  • Wicked Witch of the West = David Bowie (except more fashionable)

The similarities are amazing, aren’t they?

It’s a tale as old as time. Girl ends up in a strange land. She makes some new friends. They travel to the Emerald/Goblin City. Someone melts or turns into an owl. Happens all the time.

Rewatching this movie just proved how oblivious innocent I was as a child. As an adult, I kept staring at David Bowie’s…pants.

Dude...Stop looking at my...pants!

I did manage to take some notes about what I learned from the movie:

  • If you want goblins to take away your baby brother, just say, “I wish the goblins would come take you away.”
  • An oubliette is a place you put people…to forget about them.
  • Watch out for poison apples peaches.
  • Fairies bite; they don’t grant wishes.
  • The only person who grants wishes is Bowie in crotch-hugging pants.
  • Slapping babies will make them pee.

This movie should have included a tutorial on how to do that crystal ball spinning thing. But since it didn’t, the most important thing I learned is David Bowie may be Macaulay Culkin’s inspiration.

The Originator of the Home Alone Face