Last night as I flipped through the TV channels, I almost stopped on Piranhaconda. Almost.
Surely Michael Madsen from Reservoir Dogs wouldn’t lead me astray, right?
Well, I don’t know why I came here tonight….
You got a little something behind your ear. Sit still and lemme get that for you.
After reading that Piranhaconda was a sequel to Sharktopus, I decided I really should watch the movies in order and ended up watching The Sound of Music instead.
Here’s what I learned from the movie:
- A doe is a female deer.
- Carrie Underwood, bless her heart, can sing beautifully, but she can’t act.
- Austrians don’t eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Just jam sandwiches.
- Singing loudly drowns out thunder.
- “I smoke a big cigar” is probably code for something dirty.
- Hills don’t just have eyes, they’re alive.
- Some people don’t like festive wrapping paper. They prefer brown paper packages tied up with strings.
- Vampire Bill Compton can sing.
When you open your mouth to sing, please don’t sound like Pierce Brosnan in Mamma Mia. Please….
Most importantly, I learned Maria and I have very different favorite things. Who the heck likes copper kettles? I’m totally with her on the crisp apple strudels though.
My song would go something like, “Sprinkles on Pop-Tarts and icing on cupcakes….”
What are your favorite things?
Halloween is tomorrow! To celebrate—and pick up pointers for my costume—I watched Shaun of the Dead. Plus it gave me tips to survive zombie attacks.
Let’s face it. If zombies are going to attack, Halloween is the perfect time because everyone will just assume the zombies are normal people in costume.
On second thought, that might be giving zombies too much credit.
Here’s what I learned:
- To the untrained eye, zombies look like drunks.
- Think carefully, is that lady trying to kiss you or eat you?
- Throwing a pillow at a zombie will not kill it.
- When the zombie apocalypse happens, head to the bar.
The best way to make it to the bar is to act like a zombie.
- Wrecking your junky car gives you an excuse to drive a cooler car.
- Jumping over a fence will mostly likely lead to it—and you—falling over.
- There is no “i” in “Team,” but there is an “i” in “pie.”
- If you help your exgirlfriend survive a zombie attack, you will win her back.
The most important thing I learned is to watch the news. The poor blokes in this movie didn’t watch the news, so they had no idea that zombies were running around.
I don’t watch the news. That means I’ll be the last one to know the zombie apocalypse has arrived.
Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I say think big, and register for a year of college tuition.”—Bluzdude
When Kiefer first suggested we watch Hansel and Gretel Get Baked on Netflix Instant Viewing, I was stoked. The title was a pun! Puns equal greatness….sometimes.
Normally, stoner movies are not my thing, but this movie was actually funny. Plus, Cary Elwes is in it…in disguise.
Here’s what I learned:
- I don’t do drugs, but even I would be tempted by a chocolatey one called “Black Forest.”
- Hansel and Gretel’s parents often go on weekend getaways with the Stiltskins.
- If an old lady tells you not to eat her gingerbread house, don’t eat her gingerbread house. If you do, she will eat you.
- Any little old lady from Pasadena that deals drugs is a witch.
- Don’t leave Skittles behind as markers to find your way. Someone (a stoner) will eat them, and you will get lost.
Most importantly, I learned not to do drugs. Ever. Unless you want to be eaten by a witch and turned into a zombie.
When’s the last time I did a Movies Teach Us post? Does anyone even remember? Obviously, it’s been entirely too long. This post isn’t one either.
I blame Kiefer.
In preparation for Halloween, Netflix mailed me Lords of Salem. It’s not just a horror movie. It’s a Rob Zombie movie.
Rob Zombie = Super Creepy
A week ago we sat down to watch it, we only made it in about 30 minutes or so when…
…some witches cut a baby out of a pregnant woman. It wasn’t very graphic, but we stopped the movie anyways.
Kiefer: I can’t watch this.
Thoughtsy: What? Why?
Kiefer: I can’t watch it while you’re pregnant.
Thoughtsy: Because I’m pregnant is exactly why we should watch it. No matter what happens during labor and delivery, it won’t be as bad as bunch of witches cutting our baby out of my tummy near a bonfire as part of some Satanic ceremony.
Thoughtsy: Soooooo…I’ll watch it by myself.
Kiefer: ::raising eyebrows::
Thoughtsy: Later. During the day. And then I’ll follow it up with cartoons…and pie.
Favorite Comments From Last Post:
- “Are you sure that office is not run by the Cullen clan. Seems pretty sinister to me, not that I’m one for conspiracy theories or anything. Just saying.”—Pieterk515
- And Hippie’s comment…because she cussed. Multiple times. And she never cusses.
One of the perks of living with Kiefer is cable TV. I get by on my Netflix alone. And while Kiefer is traveling for work, I can watch whatever I want with no judgment.
The other Saturday morning I flipped on the TV, and…nothing was on.
Except lots and lots of Christmas movies.
I panicked. How long had I been asleep? Had I turned into Rip Van Winkle?
Then it hit me: It was Christmas in July. So I opted to watch Home Alone since Kiefer was gone, and I myself was home alone. What if some burglars tried to break in? I needed to be prepared.
Here’s what I learned:
- Aftershave burns. But keep putting it on your face anyways.
- “Pump your guts full of lead” means shooting you.
- The proper way to count is 1…2…10.
- The best defense involves paint cans on ropes. And blow torches.
- The worst defense involves feathers because it just pisses them off.
Ultimately, I learned that burglars are pretty stupid, so I’ll probably be fine.