Tag Archives: Mephistopheles

And That Makes Me the Jolie’s Half Sister Twice Removed

Hello, My name is Rebecca. I’ve recently reconnected with my birth family.

Let me explain…

One time when I was little,  I did something especially bad. Yes, you read that right. I did something bad only once in my childhood. I was an angel.

My mom was so surprised and angry (I don’t remember what I did, but it must have been really really bad) she said I couldn’t possibly be her child because her child would never have done that.

Years later, it became a joke.

  • I don’t need to learn the family apple dumpling recipe because I’m not a blood relation.
  • It was nice of you to invite me to Christmas dinner…since I’m not your real child.

Then Mephistopheles pointed out that I don’t look like anyone in my family. So I started asking questions…

Me: So…::nervous laughter::…Mephistopheles said I don’t look like you or Dad. That’s funny, isn’t it?

Mom: I guess you don’t.

Me: Is that an admission of guilt?

Mom: You have your aunt’s fingers though.

Me: What are you saying exactly? My aunt is really my mom? Who is my dad?

But the mystery remained unsolved…until I started blogging. Finally…I’ve found my real father: Omawarisan.

How do I know he’s my father? We have the same taste buds.

  • He hates pumpkin. I hate pumpkin.
  • He doesn’t drink coffee. I don’t drink coffee.
  • He hates cantalope. I hate cantalope.
  • He dislikes artifical grape flavor. I dislike artficial grape flavor.

And he used to live in Maryland…the state where I live. So that proves it. Plus he admitted it.

That also makes me The Jolie’s half sister…or something.

He’s Just Not That Into You

Just a couple more posts and then you’ll be all caught up in the Kiefer and Thoughtsy Make Up Saga….

Mere days after Kiefer and I broke up, I moved He’s Just Not That Into You into my Netflix queue. I needed some support, and damn it, Netflix was gonna give it to me.

Here a few tips I learned from the movie:

  • If he doesn’t call you, he’s just not that into you.
  • If a girl asks you to massage her feet but doesn’t have sex with you, she’s just not that into you.
  • If someone cheats on you, it’s not your fault.
  • You…yes, you…are the rule. Not the exception.

So, of course, I related to Jennifer Aniston’s and Ben Affleck’s characters. If you’ve never seen the movie, they’ve been together for 7 years, but Ben doesn’t believe in marriage.

Finally, Jennifer comes right out with it:

You know me. You know who I am. You either wanna marry me or you don’t.

She asks the question that she’s held back because she’s afraid. Afraid of demanding or clingy accusations:

Are you ever gonna marry me?

There’s a long pause.

I know from Kiefer and Mephistopheles that long pauses mean you’re not going to hear the answer you want.

And then she leaves him.

Of course, because it’s a movie, Aniston realizes Affleck was supporting her more than some husbands ever do for  their wives, and Affleck realizes he loves Aniston so much that he’ll do anything to make her happy: even marrying her.

Le sigh. That’s Hollywood for you. Always a happy ending.

(::Insert Carrie Bradshaw moment::) I couldn’t help but wonder…if Kiefer would miss me so much that he would want to marry me.

So I guess what I’m saying is…I’m highly impressionable.

If Kiefer and I don’t make it, I’m blaming the movie. If we can blame the movies for violence, we can also blame movies for my love life.

Unicorns Do Exist

For years, I’ve wanted to revisit the Maryland Renaissance Festival. Years, I tell you.

The last time I was there was 7 years ago. Mephistopheles and I went…on the same day he decided to quit smoking. Lovely. And by lovely, I mean miserable. We bought his grumpy nicotine-starved-butt some cigarettes, got lunch, and then left.

So when Misty said she’d go with me, I was superexcited!

She told you about our new drunken friend, Chris. He let me borrow his hat, and that made him a-ok in my book.

And I saw a unicorn. They do exist…so there! And they give out free hugs.

Here are some other things I saw at the Maryland Renaissance Festival.

Elephant Rides! I'm doing this next time!

V for Vendetta Guy

Funny Improv Actors. That

Knife Throwing at Dallas Cowboy Fans

Making Dallas Cowboy Fans Look Silly Before Throwing Knives

I learned a lot at the Renaissance Festival. Here are just a few examples:

  • You can eat Stormtroopers.
  • “Like a ferret on crack” is the funniest phrase ever.
  • Cheese puns are endless.
    • Stop stringing me along.
    • I don’t go to church; I pray to Gouda.
    • Something…Something…Something about cheese because lacks-toes (lactose). Sorry I messed this one up.

So next year go to the Maryland Renaissance Festival…unless you’re a Dallas Cowboys fan.

Commitment Omitment (Part 1)

As much as I portray Kiefer to be the only one in our relationship with commitment issues, I have a few as well.

Let’s start with probably the most essential background: the ex-fiance, Mephistopheles.

He called off our wedding…the week of the wedding. When something like that happens, it shakes you up a bit a lot.

Even though I knew that…

  • Mephistopheles had done me a huge favor by calling off the wedding.
  • Had we gotten married, we probably would have been divorced within a year.
  • I didn’t want to spend my life with him even when he said he regretted calling off the wedding and wanted us to get married at the courthouse ASAP.

I remember saying, “Next time I’m engaged, we’re eloping.”

No way in hell was I ever giving anyone the chance to leave me bruised and broken again. No way was anyone ever going to disappoint me again.

Except disappointment happens. Even when you’re with “nice guys.”

After the Mephistopheles’s break-up (yet during his stalking and constant calls, emails, and texts for us to reunite), I dated a few guys:

  • Party Guy
  • 22-Year-Old Guy
  • Long-Distance Guy
  • Lazy Guy

Party Guy

I had an awesome time with this guy, but I knew it wasn’t going anywhere. Why? Because he liked to go out…every night. Which was great for keeping my mind off my broken engagement, but it interfered with my sleep. I like sleep.

22-Year-Old Guy

I know I’ve blogged about 22-year-olds before, but I think I left out the part about me, ahem, actually dating one.

Long Distance Guy

Let’s save him for another time, shall we? Since he is quite possibly the best example of my own commitment issues. I was his Kiefer-ita.

Lazy Guy

Our first date was also our last. Right before our first date, he sent me a text that read something like, “I’m home from work. Come over whenever.”

Excuse me? Come over? How about you get your lazy ass up off the couch and come pick me up for our first date?

I almost canceled. Instead I retaliated by making him buy me not only dinner but the souvenir glass as well.

So what do these 3 guys have in common?

They’re all guys I never went out on more than a few dates with. And they’re all guys I KNEW I was never going to have a long-term relationship with.

So…it  appears I have some commitment issues of my own.

Sharing a Very Special Day

Do you know what Sunday is? Father’s Day. Did you forget? Go buy a card. I’ll wait.

Do you know what else Sunday is? It’s my birthday. Yes, I’ll wait again while you run out a get me a card, too. 

Every few years Father’s Day lands on my birthday. And I’m happy to share my birthday with my dad. We’re each other’s gift.

And what could be a better gift than me? (Although my brother may argue that he is a better gift.)

Without my dad, I wouldn’t even have a birthday.

A few days ago Kiefer Sutherland asked me what I wanted for my birthday. How can I even begin to answer that? I feel like there are only a few things that could possibly top last year’s “gift.” (I promise to blog about this later.)

Birthdays are extremely important to me. They’re second only to Halloween.

My Top Five Days

  1. Halloween
  2. Birthday
  3. Anniversary
  4. July 4th
  5. Christmas

1. Halloween is just plain awesome. You get to dress up, and there’s candy. Lots and lots of candy. It wins, hands down.

Did I mention there was candy?  And if you’re lucky (not in England), there is candy corn.

2. A birthday is your very own special day. On your birthday, there’s a cake with your name on it, and you’re the only one who gets presents. Unless you’re a twin like Kiefer, or your birthday is also Sunday, and therefore you’re sharing it with Father’s Day like me.

Forgetting a birthday is unforgivable. My birthday has been forgotten. Two times too many. It’s a horrible feeling that I don’t wish on anyone.

3. Anniversaries celebrate your love. What’s better than that? They are also a nice excuse to go away for the weekend.

4. July 4th. Fireworks! Let’s celebrate how great America is to have candy corn!

I have so many great memories of July 4th, but I also have some awful ones (thank you, Mephistopheles). I always judge boyfriends on how they celebrate the 4th. A guy who doesn’t have something cool planned for that day is not the guy for me.

5. Finally Christmas. I love the cookies, songs, and lights. And the presents are nice, too. But seriously, if it wasn’t for the cookies, I doubt this holiday would even be on my list.

I think I need to include this list as a reference for my future husband. (Dear Future Husband, Don’t F up on these days….)

Back to Birthdays…

My Top Five Birthdays

  • The day I was born. So I don’t remember it, and there wasn’t a party. But this day is important because I almost didn’t grace the world with my presence. The umbilical cord was wrapped so tightly around my chest that every contraction made my heart stop. Go doctors and Mommy!
  • The birthday party with the My Little Pony birthday cake. I have no clue how old I was. Maybe 5. But the point is I had a My Little Pony on my cake.
  • My Sweet 16 Birthday Party. My parents didn’t do all the crazy expensive stuff that you see on TV, but they did allow me to invite over tons of people. Tons. Crazy teenagers everywhere.
  • My 18th Birthday Party. Once again my parents agreed to let teenagers run wild over the house and yard.
  • Last Year’s Birthday. I really do promise to blog about this later.