Tag Archives: Math Is Not One of My Strengths

An Accomplice to Plantslaughter

The Cupcake Dangler brought me a housewarming gift: a plant.

Thoughtsy: Uh-oh…. I mean, Thank you so much!

Cupcake Dangler: Don’t worry. It’s pretty low maintenance, so you can’t kill it.

What the Cupcake Dangler didn’t know was that I can kill anything (BWAHAHAHA!), and he just unknowingly delivered the plant into the hands of death.

It’s a simple equation, but they don’t teach it in math class:

Thoughtsy + Plant = Dead Plant


Thoughtsy > Any Plant’s Will to Live

From the minute that plant entered my apartment, its days were numbered.

Oopsy daisy....

Oopsy daisy….

The first time I killed a plant, I was home from college. My parents went on vacation for a week and said, “Don’t forget to water the plants.”

You know what happened? I forgot to water the plants.*

The day before my parents returned, I ran around with the garden hose spraying water like a madwoman firefighter on anything that looked brown green.

Ever since, I’ve never owned a plant.

Anyways…back to my recent victim. I take 90% of the blame, but the other 10% is Esme’s fault. Initially, I put the plant on my kitchen island. Then Esme started to eat it, so I had to move it to the top of a bookcase…

…right by a vent spewing out hot air…

…in a dark corner of my apartment…

…where I completely forgot about it.

Not long after…the plant was gone.

*I wasn’t totally irresponsible. Although I forgot about the plants, I did take care of everything else: dishes, laundry, brother, cat…disposed of empty liquor bottles.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Cleaning up shit is man’s work. If he wants to wear heels while doing so, so be it… but really….”—29 Candles