Tag Archives: Lesson in Awesomeness

Lesson in Awesomeness #2: Don’t Ruin the Fun in Funnel Cake

Dear Minnesota Twins Fan at the Orioles Game on Saturday,

You suck.

When a baseball bounces off a child’s head, which causes you to catch the baseball, you promptly hand it over to the injured child. You don’t keep it for yourself.

When the crowd starts chanting “Give him the ball,” they’re referring to you and how you should give the kid the baseball. Don’t act like you don’t know.

Smart move leaving the game early. You probably narrowly avoided a curb stomping.

Why couldn’t you have been more like the 2 Twins fans who dressed up like Oompa Loompas or the 2 Twins fans who dressed up as Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro. They were awesome. Be more like them.

Not Even Slightly Sincerely,

Thoughts Appear

PS: You ruined my tasty funnel cake with your selfish display. Not only do you owe that kid the baseball, you also owe me a funnel cake. Extra powdered sugar.


Lesson in Awesomeness #1: Bouncing

The wonderful thing about Tiggers is Tiggers are wonderful things. Their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms are made out of springs.

Tigger is the Man. He’s had it right all along. Bouncing is awesome. Things that bounce are awesome. You can be awesome, too, if you have any of the things listed below.

Exhibit A: Trampoline

As a child (and even as an adult), I wanted a trampoline. You know you want one, too. My parents denied me a trampoline because we couldn’t afford trampoline insurance. I’ll believe anything. What’s that you say? Gullible begins with a “Gh.” No way. Really?

Exhibit B: Pogo Ball

Remember these? A ball of awesome surrounded by a ring of awesome to stand on. It’s like your own little bouncing planet. Once I bounced on it for 12 hours straight. True story.

Exhibit C: The Moon Bounce

Similar to the trampoline, but you can’t bounce quite as high. And you don’t have to worry about bouncing off because it is a little house of bounce. On our first date (a beer festival), Kiefer Sutherland and I tossed a bunch of little kids out on their bony behinds so we could bounce and not squash them.

Ok, not really. It was raining and we just wanted to stay dry. We had no interest in bouncing, and that’s why we tossed the kids out.

That’s not true either. It was a beer festival, so there weren’t many kids, and the moon bounce was empty.

Exhibit D: The Oversized Ball

Similar to the Pogo Ball. It’s so lazy children can bounce and have fun, too. Sometimes people sit on them at their desks at work. They claim it helps their posture, but we all know they bounce when no one’s looking.

Exhibit E: The Tiny Bouncing Ball

These come out of the tiny 25-cent machines at the grocery store. Puddin’ and I used to get them and bounce them as we walked around the mall. I bet they’re 50 cents now. Stupid inflation.

Exhibit F: Moon Shoes

Radley has a pair of these. Moon Shoes are essentially lots of rubber bands. Secret: The weight limit is about 180 pounds, which I’m under, but I’m still afraid to try them out. If they broke, it would shatter my self esteem.

And if you try to do what this little girl is doing, you’ll most likely shatter your bones. You don’t catch that much air.

Now, run along and play with something bouncy. It’ll make you awesome. And be sure to invite me over if you get a moon bounce or trampoline.

That concludes today’s lesson, grasshopper.