I stay home with Scout. I get up at 4 AM, so I can work before she wakes up. During her naps, I do more work. At 4 PM, Scout goes to the child care center in our gym, and I hop on an elliptical and watch Ellen.
For those of you mathematically challenged, that’s 12 hours until I get a break.
Today I was especially excited to watch Ellen because Johnny Depp was a guest (::swoon::).
After mere minutes, a special news report interrupted my program. (Does saying “my program” make me sound old?)
My first thought? NOOOOOOOO! JOHNNY!
My second thought? Damn terrorists.
But it wasn’t terrorists. It was Tom Brady. Damn Tom Brady…talking about how he picks out his footballs. Insert your own joke about a man and his balls here and in the comments.
And although Tom Brady is pretty cute, let’s face it: he’s no Johnny Depp.
I saw this:
Instead of this:
Now I know why people hate the Patriots. Those freakin’ program interrupters….
In just a few short days, I’ll be in LA. Which means in just a few short days, I’ll be famous. “Thoughtsy” will soon become a household name.
I’m just going to visit
Percy Q. Poodle my brother and his fiance, but I’m sure while I’m touring Universal Studios, I’ll get pulled from the tour to fill in on a bit part in a movie, and that’ll lead to larger roles and within a few months, you’ll see me starring opposite Channing Tatum and Johnny Depp.
With Percy and I back together, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Benji is remade, too.
Anyways, while I’m rubbing elbows with the rich and famous, what should I see in LA?
Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Somewhere there’s a poor dead hostage with a giant penis. So sad.”—The Cannibalistic Nerd
To Whom It May Concern Dear Boyfriend,
I regret to inform that your window of opportunity has closed. You are no longer first in line as my future husband.
Now that Johnny Depp is single, he’s moved to the #1 spot.
Johnny, we’re flavored-vodka people, not rum people.
Years ago, a Facebook quiz predicted I would marry Johnny Depp, and ever since, I’ve been waiting patiently for his proposal.
Now I’m sure that proposal is forthcoming.
PS: You snooze, you lose.
Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Happy birthday. I hope someone takes you to a Mexican restaurant and secretly tells the server it’s your birthday, and the entire wait staff parades to your table singing a royalty-free version of ‘Happy Birthday,’ and I hope they give you fried ice cream and give you a sombrero and take a Polaroid picture and pin it to the wall by the cash register.”—Todd Pack
Warning: The movie The Rum Diary is not a prequel to Pirates of the Caribbean. If you’re interested in Captain Jack Sparrow’s adventures while stuck on an island with rum, this is not the movie for you.
I wish someone had put that warning at the beginning of the movie. But what this movie lacked in Captain Sparrow, it made up for in a different Captain: Captain Rum.
Here’s what I learned from The Rum Diary:
- As long as you have binoculars and a hard-of-hearing neighbor with an open window, you don’t need your own TV.
- A man can look at another man’s junk, but only with a mirror…because he doesn’t look directly at it. His junk is like Medusa.
- Johnny Depp’s superpower is making fully clothed women jump in the shower with him.
Most importantly, I learned that even Johnny Depp’s hotness can’t distract me from icky eye…stuff.
Warning: You may not want to look at the picture below. It isn’t pretty.
Lately, when I go shopping, occasionally I’ll pick something up and wonder if I’m too old for it.
Am I too old for glitter on my clothing? Am I too old for scratch-n-sniff? Am I too old for Happy Bunny and CareBears? Am I too old for blue or sparkly nail polish?
So in case I need to reference it later, here’s my list of things I’ll hopefully never be too old for.
- Adding about 5 (or more) toppings or mix-ins to my ice cream.
- Eating Doritos. And licking the powder off my fingers.
- Visiting the pet store and playing with puppies and kittens.
- Buying clothes from the Juniors Dept. (When I was younger, I was too heavy to wear these. So now, as long as they fit, I’m going to wear them. I also buy clothes from Misses, so I mix it up.)
- Spilling stuff on my clothes. (Oh, how I wish I could outgrow this one.)
- Reading children’s books. The Poky Little Puppy will reign forever!
- Wearing glitter makeup on special occasions.
- Watching cartoons. Primarily Lilo and Stitch and A Bug’s Life.
- Dressing up for Halloween.
- Ordering fruity alcoholic drinks with fun names, like ‘Tic Tac” and “Peachy Pirate.”
- Thinking zombies are cooler than ninjas.
- Crushing on Johnny Depp.
Actually some of these are things that I might only be able to get away with for the next 5 years, so maybe I’d better soak them up now.
Anything to add?