Tag Archives: I’m Going to Hell

The Girl Who Cried “Pickle Juice!”

Last week I posted about my plan to kick Kiefer’s procrastinating butt into gear with Operation Pickle Juice.

I’m happy to report Operation PJ is complete.

I had forgotten all about Operation PJ until I was standing in the kitchen, and a contraction tightened and turned my stomach into an overinflated basketball.

Thoughtsy: Geez. What did that book say to do to make contractions go away?

Kiefer: Sit down! You’ve been on your feet too much.

Sitting down and taking breaks during pregnancy has been difficult for me. So as I sat there waiting for the contraction to pass, my mind looked for something to do.

Operation Pickle Juice!

So I splashed some water on my crotch, threw some pickle juice on the floor, and… began to chicken out.

  • What if Kiefer just thought I peed myself?
  • All I could smell was pickle juice. He’d be onto me within a few feet of the kitchen.
  • How would I keep a straight face?

Man up! I told myself.

Thoughtsy: Uh…Kiefer? I need you to come here.

It was the “need” that got his attention. He rounded the corner, looked at my wet pants, and said…

Kiefer: Is your water leaking?

Thoughtsy: ::dramatic pause with look of terror:: 

…Just kidding! It’s ok. It’s water and pickle juice.

Kiefer: Phew! Oh…you’re in so much trouble.

Thoughtsy: I love you?

Kiefer: How long have you been planning this?

Thoughtsy: Like a week.

Kiefer: You mean it was premeditated? Big trouble….

Thoughtsy: I love you a lot?

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Is it me, or is there actually ‘shark peen’ on display in that picture?”—Bluzdude

The Manhattan Project Gave Us Pop-Tarts

The other day I was researching the effects Pop-Tarts might have on my unborn child. I was hoping to find things like:

  • For blue eyes, eat blueberry Pop-Tarts.
  • For brown eyes, eat smore Pop-Tarts.
  • For a baby girl, eat cherry Pop-Tarts.
  • For freckles, eat sprinkled Pop-Tarts.
  • To cure morning sickness, eat Pop-Tarts at every meal.

Apparently, no research has been done on any of that. Obviously, our economy is still going downhill if important Pop-Tart experiments aren’t being performed.

What I did stumble across was this. A Pop-Tart-hater site.

If this is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

 This site claims the following:

  • The frosting is made from either the blood of a virgin or the saliva of the three-headed canine guardian of Hell’s gate, Cerberus.
  • The main ingredient is evil.
  • They are usually sold in pairs inside packages made of human flesh.
  •  If left out after heating, Pop-Tarts take on a very dense and hardened form, making them very convenient for use as crude bladed weapons, or as throwing stars.

Most importantly, frosted Pop-Tarts are not suitable for vegetarians, as they contain gelatin.

Lies! Lies, I tell you! All of this is mere propaganda probably spread by the folks at Toaster Strudel.

I’m onto you, you Strudel-de-doos. I’m onto you….

Haters gonna hate.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Wait a minute. No sober person has ever eaten a pickled egg…except now, you, pregnant, eat pickled eggs. Soooooo…pickled eggs where drunk people and pregnant people intersect, but they aren’t allowed to be the same people. I made a really cool Venn Diagram to illustrate this, but I can’t save it.”—Omawarisan