Tag Archives: I Hate Aliens

Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Clown?

Some people are afraid of clowns. What is it about clowns that are scary? Is it the big noses? The face paint? The giant shoes?

Gosh, I hope it’s not the shoes. Because my feet are kind of big. I hope I’m not scaring people.

In an attempt to understand coulrophobia, I watched Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Because alien clowns are probably extra scary.

Just in case alien clowns ever attack, here’s what you need to know to survive:

  • Clowns wrap their victims in pink cotton candy cocoons or giant balloons.
  • Never break a clown’s bike. He’ll decapitate you.
  • Shadow puppets from clowns can eat you.
As dangerous as Jurassic Park.

As dangerous as Jurassic Park.

  • Circus tents are alien spaceships.
  • To kill a clown, just destroy his nose.
This is your worst nightmare.

This is your worst nightmare.

The most important thing you need to know is some clowns throw pies made of acid that will melt you. To be safe, never eat pie.

Wait…that’s an extreme overreaction. I can’t believe I just said that. I blame jet lag.

A big thank you to all the guest bloggers from last week! You rock!

I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me

Three things that scare the bejeezus out of me. Three things that keep me awake at night. Three things that I consider my worst nightmare. Those three things are…

  1. A Pop-Tart shortage
  2. A chocolate shortage
  3. Aliens abducting, poking, probing, and prodding me (::shudder::)

If aliens are real, I want to be prepared. That’s why I viewed The Watch. They set up a Neighborhood Watch to catch a killer, and they ended up discovering aliens living in their ‘hood. Here’s what I learned:

  • It really pisses off the Neighborhood Watch when you egg them and then use the pun Yolk’s on you!
  • If you find a silver bowling ball, don’t put your fingers in it. Cows will die.
  • The best place to pitch a tent is in Costco.

    This is my kind of camping.

    This is my kind of camping.

  • If you find an alien, don’t drunk dance with him. He’ll get goo on your face.
  • Aliens are like some guys. Their brains are in their…pants.
  • Sometimes the Police Department rejects you because you’re just too awesome.

The most important lesson I learned is that aliens steal human skin, so they look exactly like humans. So look  at the person on your left, and then look at the person on your right. One of them may be an alien.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “She may be like Perry on Phineas & Ferb. There’s a hidden chute in the fireplace that leads to his base of operation, where he stores his spy gear. (It could happen.)”—Todd Pack

Paul: ET’s Distant Cousin

I hate aliens. Hate ’em.

In an effort to win me over, someone (probably an alien…aka pod person Irene) suggested I watch Paul. Here’s what I learned:

  • Aliens probe you because they’re harvesting farts.
  • You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream.
  • To a sci-fi nerd, 3 boobs on a woman is hot, but 4 is just plain sick.
  • Aliens eat birds raw…super raw…as in alive.
  • Getting high feels like wasps in your brain.
  • You don’t need toothbrushes in space.

An alien doing an impression of an alien.

And in case you’re one of those people who don’t believe in aliens, here’s the most important lesson of them all: An alien came up with the characters Agent Mulder and ET.

That means Chris Carter and Steven Spielberg are in cahoots with aliens. That’s why they’re so famous. I knew it….

Dear Aliens, Please Abduct the Following People

Dear Aliens,

I saw that you recently abducted Jean Claude Van Damme…and then brought him back. Seriously? You could have kept him.

Please feel free to abduct the following people:

  • Carrot Top
  • Scarlett Johansson (My boyfriend’s crush. Once she’s gone, I’m sure he’ll propose.)
  • Kristen Stewart
  • Lady Gaga

Anyways, I’m sure you read my first letter, and I’m interpreting your silence as hostile. Now you leave me no choice. I’m going to make fun of you.

1. You only want our gold. (Source: Cowboys and Aliens)

Our gold? Really? Only pirates steal gold. Duh. At least be original, posers.

2. You land your spaceships in corn fields.

We have these places called “airports.” Air-ports, sound it out. They have flat, clear areas for landings and takeoffs.

Stop trying to showboat with the crop circles. They’re pathetic compared to our corn mazes.

Rrrrrr corn mazes are better.

3. You swipe people from Earth to study them.

98% of the Earth’s population are idiots. The joke’s on you.

Bring it,


PS: If after reading this, you feel the need to abduct me, my medical history is in the folder next to my bed, so you don’t have to…you know…do anything unpleasant.

Anyone you want to add to the abduction list?

I’m a Cowboy-Alien, On a Steel Horse-UFO I Ride

Dear Aliens,

Please stop stealing people from Earth. Here we call that “kidnapping,” and it’s illegal. In fact, pretty much everything you do is illegal. Not to mention just plain mean.

When you visit, here’s a list of activities to refrain from:

  • Squishing corn with your transportation.
  • Poking (Bad touch! Bad touch!), proding, and probing (::shudder::).
  • Stealing/borrowing people.
  • Throwing people around/sucking them up with your beams of light.

To do some research on you, I watched Cowboys and Aliens, and I learned that you want our gold.

So the bad economy is affecting you, too, huh? Times are tough, but you can’t go around stealing gold. It’s illegal.

I'm a cowboy...on a steel horse I ride.

 Maybe instead of doing research on human bodies, you should read my Movies Teach Us posts or watch some movies.

I think you could learn a lot from our movies. For example, you’d learn that shake hands when we meet someone, not shove a needle in their eye like you did to that guy in Fire in the Sky

Maybe you could stop sneaking around in the middle of the night (It’s scaring me the children.) and just introduce yourselves. Maybe sing some Bon Jovi karaoke with Blarney.



PS: Please don’t introduce yourself to me. Your ugly mug would scare the bejeezus outta me. Introduce yourself to someone like the President. That’s why he gets paid the big bucks.