Tag Archives: I Ate a Baby Seal

Eating Pop-Tarts Could Save Your Life

Finally…after months of a Pop-Tart-free diet…I caved.

What was the cause of demise? Multiple factors.

  • Closure of the Pop-Tarts store in NYC.
  • Halloween candy withdraw.
  • Stress about the Ravens-Steelers game.
  • Stress about being trapped in a wrecked car for days and starving to death.

That actually almost happened to a little girl. Do you know what probably saved her life (besides the seatbelt)?


True story. And that is why you should carry Pop-Tarts with you at all times. All times, people. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

You know what else made me give in to Pop-Tart consumption?

A new flavor Pop-Tart: Baby Seal Sugar Cookie.

That’s right. I tore open my Pop-Tart to package only to be face-to-face with a baby seal…in a hat…waving at me.

Baby Seal: Hello! (Baby Seal sounds like Mr. Bill.)

Me: Hello….

Baby Seal: Why are you looking at me like that?

Me: Like what?

Baby Seal: Like that! Like you’re going to eat me.

Me: ::evil grin::

Baby Seal: NOOOOOOOOOO! I could be your new Pete!*

Me: Nice try, Baby Seal. But Pete was a penguin…and not made of delicious Pop-Tart. Nom Nom Nom.

*If you’re new around here, you’re probably thinking, Who the hell is Pete?  Pete was a penguin Kiefer got me from Africa. Unfortunately, the original Pete the Penguin was eaten by a shark. But when I visited Tampa, I got to meet Petey Junior, aka RePete.