Just Don’t Make Me Wear a Cape

Dear Professor Xavier,

Kiefer and I suffered two miscarriages last year. Desperate for answers, I went through a lot of pokes and pricks to figure out what was going on.

Finally…my insurance changed, and I was able to return to my favorite OB/GYN. He sent me for thyroid testing (all clear!) and then ran bloodwork for some common blood disorders.

And he found one.

Professor X (May I call you that?), I am a mutant.

When can I get my own action figure?

My mutation is called…I love the name…MTHFR. My doctor calls it the “Mother Factor.” Bor-ing.

I’m calling it the M*ther F*cker. Why? Because that’s what the acronym looks like…and it contributes to miscarriages, so that name is kind of literal. Plus…that sounds badass.

Basically, my body isn’t metabolizing Vitamin B like it should, and it leads to pregnancy complications like blood clotting. Step 1 is to try taking extra Vitamin B and some baby aspirin.

Sooooo…May I join the X-Men now? I know it’s not a mutant power that’s useful during a fight, but I’d still like a cool outfit.

Just think about it.

Your fellow mutant,

Thoughtsy

PS: Please do not make me wear a cape.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Tell your mom if she’d raised you better you wouldn’t dress like such a whore.”—Robynbird

Superhero Capes: For or Against?

Now that I’m single, I have a lot of free time on my hands. What am I going to do with that time? I’m going to give back. I’m going to help people.

I’m going to become a superhero.

Instead of starting with a rigorous exercise regimen, I exercised my powers of observation. I watched The Avengers, so I could observe hotties like Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth real superheroes.

Dear God, Please send me a Pop-Tart-lovin’ superhero wife….

Here’s what I learned from The Avengers:

• If you’re tied to a chair, to escape, just stand up.
• It pisses Thor off when you call him a “tourist.”
• You’re a “brother”…until you start killing people. Then you’re adopted.
• If a good guy suddenly turns into a bad guy, just hit him on the head…hard. That’ll fix everything.
• The Hulk likes to smash.

What should my superhero name be? What would your superhero name be? Is a cape just asking for trouble?

Favorite Comment From the Last Post: “Oh, Thoughtsy. You’re too young and adorable to become the crazy cat lady who washes her cat but not her clothes.”—Hippie Cahier aka The Hipster

I Have a PhD in Horribleness

Have you seen Prawn and Quartered’s Guilty Pleasure Movie Contest? Well, my movie made it to the next round!

So I’m asking you to vote for Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog.

For those of you who haven’t seen it, I’m doing a special Movies Teach Us post to help persuade you. Here’s what I learned:

• To be an evil villian, you need an evil laugh.
• The evil laugh is so important that you may need to hire a vocal coach.
• Captain Hammer’s hammer is not his fists. The hammer is his…you know.
• If someone is stabbing a spork into his leg while you talk about your boyfriend, the spork-stabber has a crush on you.

Other reasons to vote for this movie include the following:

• Dr. Horrible has a blog. Show your support. Bloggers, unite!
• Barney Doogie Neil Patrick Harris is in it.
• Nathan Fillon is in it. Jen, this bullet is specifically for you.

But don’t take my word for it (Reading Rainbow reference), you can watch it through Netflix’s Instant Viewing if it’ll make you feel more honest.

Favorite Comment from Previous Post: “Thoughtsy, I love chocolate. I love coconut. And now, I’ve discovered I love you and possibly crack.”—Queeniesaurus

I Am the Blue Wombat

Haaaaaaave you met Tom?

I’ll be over at his blog tomorrow with a Movies Teach Us guest post about how to become a superhero.

I'm the one in blue. Hence the name "The Blue Wombat."

So if the post goes up tomorrow, why am I telling you now?

Because tomorrow…

A. I may be in a cannoli-induced coma.

B. I suspect Esme of tampering with my blog.

C. I don’t trust the automatic post scheduler.

D. It’s impossible for me to stay up past midnight…the post goes live at 12:01.

E. All of the above.

My Superhero Name: Syrup Girl

Yogi Castle Visit #31

Cashier: Are you ready to weigh your yogurt?

Thoughtsy: Need…more…toppings….

Cashier: That’s right. You’re the syrup girl.

Thoughtsy: Oh yeah? Well, you’re…you’re…you’re the…cash register…girl.

True story. Except for my awesome comeback. Actually the girl was really nice, so I didn’t need a comeback.

I use a lot of syrup for one reason: I don’t like chocolate frozen yogurt.

I can’t quite put my finger on why. 

• Maybe because it’s low fat.
• Maybe it’s not chocolatey enough.
• Maybe because it’s not really ice cream.
• Maybe I’m returning to my roots: I was always a vanilla girl growing up.

Whatever the reason…it creates a problem: Because I need chocolate to live. Undisputed scientific fact.

Because I need chocolate to live, I need to add chocolate to my yogurt in the form of toppings. 

Exhibit A: Pralines and Cream Yogurt, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, Chocolate Syrup, and Caramel Syrup

Don't be fooled. There's a moat of syrup around that yogurt.

So call me Syrup Girl if you want…I’ll wear it as a badge of honor. That chocolate syrup is keeping me alive to fight blog another day.

Now I just need someone to make me a special outfit that will squirt syrup at my enemies. When an enemy tries to attack, I can squirt syrup…

• In his eyes to blind him.
• At his feet so he slips and falls.
• All over his hands so he can’t hold this gun.

I’d also like the superhero outfit to…

• Be black to hide stains and be more slimming.
• Push up my cleavage.
• Be made of a breathable material. I am get hot.
• Look good with knee high boots.
• Include a special wet nap pocket…in case I get syrup on my fingers.