Tag Archives: how to

How To Take a Pregnancy Test Without Peeing on Yourself

No one tells you what a pain it is to take a pregnancy test. You think, “All I have to do is pee on a stick. How hard can that be?”

You may not have to study for this test, but this will be the hardest test you’ll ever have to take.

The directions in the pregnancy test box are incomplete. Here’s a full set.

  1. Buy a test on your lunch break.
  2. Plan to take the test in 2 days in case you’re just late.
  3. Decide to take the test immediately instead because you have no patience whatsoever.
  4. Read that you have to pee on the stick for 5 seconds.
  5. Wonder how long you usually pee for.
  6. Decide to not use the restroom for 3 hours to save up.
  7. Try not to do the pee-pee dance on the way to the restroom.
  8. Pee on the stick.

    Do NOT—under any circumstances—put the pee stick by fruit or anything else edible.

  9. Freak out because the pee ricochets off the stick and splashes everywhere. (I totally lied in the post title. Not peeing everywhere is impossible.)
  10. Realize there is no TP in the dispenser.
  11. Realize there is TP in the dispenser, but you have to contort your hand into an unnatural position to get it.
  12. Contort your hand.
  13. Recontort your hand.
  14. Recontort your hand again.

By the time you actually get some TP, the test results will be visible.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “You’re allowed to hit people when you’re pregnant, as long as they are strangers. Go on, tell them I sent you.”—Omawarisan


This Is Not the Post You’re Looking For

After visiting my little brother in LA, I’m flying to the East Coast, and approximately 14 hours later, I’m headed back to the West Coast for work.

Which means…my blog will suffer, but I’ve predrafted this search terms post for you to read.

You’re welcome.

The following search terms brought the boys to the yard people to my blog:

  • Cat Playing in Toilet. Yep. Got that.
  • My Butt in See-Through Panties. Ain’t got that.
  • How to Fluff Your Lovesac. Got that.
  • Pop-Tart Addicts. I can stop any time I want!
  • White Chocolate Pop-Tarts. WHERE?! I mean…that sounds racist.
  • End of World Butt. Uhhhh…no. You should probably go see a doctor.
  • What Is a Pennis? Probably the same thing as a Pianist.

Have a great week!

What’s the funniest search term that’s brought someone to your blog?


SPAM and the Russian Mafia

An oldie but a goodie….

I just saw the best Spam comment ever. I wanted to approve it (because it was hilarious), but I didn’t want anyone to accidently click on it and get a virus or something nasty.

But here’s the text, minus the links, and plus my inner monologue.

HELP! I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia.

Dude, that stinks.

And being forced to post SPAM comments on blogs!

I can’t believe they gave you access to the internet. The Russian Mafia is following my blog? Neat.

(link to Penis Enlargement)

Who knew the mafia had stock in enlargement? Is the Russian Mafia experimenting on you? Sounds like they’re treating you pretty well. Dude, you’re living the dream.

If you don’t approve this, they will kill me. (another link to Penis Enlargement)

Kill you…or enlarge your penis?

They’re coming back now.

Really? ::looking over my shoulder:: I don’t see them. Oh! They’re where you are. Maybe instead of typing that, you should have used that time to formulate an escape or attack or something.

Please send help!

Where? Russia is a pretty big place. And if those enlargement experiments work, you’ll be a god among men. Maybe stick it out a little longer.

After a good chuckle, I started to think…what if it was real? What if I contributed to a man’s death? I stood by idly and did nothing.

Oops.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I often snorkel in my bathtub too. Maybe one day we will swim into each other.”—Brittany


Father Nearly Killed by Sons in Haunted Forest

Saturday night Kiefer and I took Boo (age 12) and Radley (nearly 10) to Markoff’s Haunted Forest.

It’s like a haunted house…except it’s a forest. It’s really scary.

Imagine stumbling around in the dark, only to be temporarily blinded by a bright light, and once your sight returns, a creepy guy is in your face with a knife. All the while, you can hear the people screaming at the sounds of a chainsaw.

What? I’m just out here cutting wood.

Saturday morning we started having second thoughts about bringing Boo and Radley.

Kiefer: If you start to get scared, just remember it’s not real.

Thoughtsy: Think of it as looking for Halloween costume ideas. And there’s not even a chain in the chainsaw.

To enter the forest, first you go through a little cave, and at the exit stands a really creepy looking guy.

He took it easy on Boo and Radley because Boo hung on Kiefer’s right arm while Radley held Kiefer’s left with a death grip.

But just when I thought I made it past him, he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, gently touched my ear, and growled in the other ear.

I did what any normal girl would do. I screamed bloody murder.

Radley begged to stop and go back. But after a few seconds, he calmed down and wanted to keep going.

At the really scary parts, I heard this:

Boo or Radley: They’re not real….

Kiefer: Stop pulling on my hoodie! You’re choking me!

Really Kiefer was lucky he made it out alive.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “When all else fails, I watch Sleepy Hollow because Johnny Depp says he played the character pretending he was Angela Lansbury in Murder She Wrote as a schoolgirl, and of course Nightmare Before Christmas (which is TECHNICALLY a Christmas movie, but it makes the store decoration transitions easier).”—Leauxra


How To Buy a Swimsuit…Or Get Felt Up

Every time I travel I forget something. 99% of the time it’s my hairbrush. But on my Fort Lauderdale trip, I forgot a swimsuit.

So there I was…at the beach…without a swimsuit. Fail.

So I decided to buy a tankini. I picked out two tops.

Russian Clerk: This one’s too young for you.

Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: Did she just call me old?

Russian Clerk: But this one…It’s nice. What size are you? Small?

Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: Now she’s just trying to make up for calling me old.

Thoughtsy: Bwahaha! Uh…no. I have broad shoulders. At least a medium. Maybe a large.

Russian Clerk: The small should fit. You like this bottom? What size do you need? Turn around, and let me see.

Thoughtsy: Uh…. ::hesistantly spins so she can check out my butt::

Russian Clerk: Maybe a medium.

Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: Soooooo…I’m old…with small boobs and a fat butt. Great. 

In the dressing room, I try on the top and one of the dozen bottoms she gave me. Once I’m ready, she opens the curtain.

Russian Clerk: Can I adjust and show you how to wear this swimsuit?

Thoughtsy: Suuuuure….

Let me fill you in on a secret. “Adjusting” is code for the clerk shoving her hand into the front of the swimsuit and fondling your boobs until they’re in the right position.

BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!

Later…when the clerk rung me up…

Russian Clerk: That’ll be $120.

Thoughtsy: What?! I don’t want to spend that much. Let me get a cheaper bottom.

Russian Clerk: The bottom is $59, and the top is $59…but I guess I could give you $20 off the bottom.

Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: Yes, let’s do that. Since I did let you touch my boobs.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “When I look at the margarita picture, I see normal-sized margaritas and tiny, tiny hands.”—Laura