Tag Archives: How I Met Your Mother

I’m Sorry, Soooooo Sorry

First, let me apologize to all you readers. After looking at some of my most popular search terms, I realized…

  1. I’m not writing about what you want to read.
  2. I’m not answering your questions.

I am so sorry for my blogger shortcomings. My blog is just barely over a year old (my 1-year anniversary was Friday). I’m still learning.

What You Want to Read More Of

  • Zombie cupcakes—Genius. I’ll look for a recipe.
  • Reverse psychology on men—I’ll read another Mars and Venus book.
  • Fruits that can enlarge a penis—Bananas. Duh.
  • Pop-Tarts ice cream—I think I love you. Reveal yourself.

Questions Answered

  • Does Ben and Jerry’s Mud Pie ice cream have mud in it? You’re an idiot.
  • Can Edy’s fruit bars be eaten before colonoscopies? Dude, the less you eat the better.
  • Does Barney from HIMYM have a boyfriend? I feel responsible for this confusion. In the early blogging days, I blogged about Barney quite a bit. Anyways, Barney is not real. Sorry for the confusion. Also…You’re an idiot.

Quick and Handy Navigation

  • I think I lost my sanity.—You won’t find it here.
  • I luv to piss my knickers.—May I recommend this? People still say “knickers?”
  • I love wet socks.—BOLD-FACED LIE! Nobody loves wet socks. Nobody.
  • Pick up line: You’re yummy.—May I recommend singling out the arms?
  • Boob closeup and Bombastic Boobies—Right here: Zombie boob.

Halloween All Week Long

Me: Halloween begins today.

You: Today?

Me: Today.

 You: But it’s only the 26th, stupid-head. I bet you haven’t even finished watching the Friday the 13th movies.

First off, you’re the stupid-head!

 Second, you’re right; I’m still watching the Jason movies. Netflix and the U.S. Postal Service are slowing me down. I just watched Part 4: The Final Chapter last night.

I think they should rename the movie Part 4: The Not So Final Chapter. Or the One-Third-of-the-Way-Through Chapter. By the way, I’ve been pleasantly surprised to see Kevin Bacon in the first movie, Jared Paladecki in the remake, and then Corey Feldman in Part 4.

Anyways, Halloween starts today for me because I’m wearing a costume tonight.

What’s my costume? I don’t know yet.

But, Thoughtsy, you are the ultimate planner! How can you be so unprepared? Is Kiefer’s procrastination rubbing off on you?

My problem isn’t being unprepared; the problem is that I’m overprepared.

I have 4 possible costume choices for tonight. I just haven’t decided which one I’m going to wear. Witch? Little Red Riding Hood? Snow White? Gangster?

So what’s on the calendar for tonight? Kiefer and I frequent Magoo’s often to enjoy their tasty smores. They know us there. We’re regulars. Not alcoholic regulars, but smore regulars.

They’ve opened the bar downstairs for us and our friends. We pay $10, and then we get 5-6 desserts. (Take that, David Zincenko!) It’s going to be legen-wait for it-darily delish.

Of course, after tonight I’ll be dieting the rest of the week so I can fit into my costume on Saturday.


Old McDonald Has a Farm

Last week was the Great Frederick Fair. I go to the fair for the food, which will be receiving its own post later, but first, I’ll fill you in on other fair activities.

Runners up to the food are the animals.

Oink, oink.

I named them all Wilbur. Except for the one on the left. His name is Pete. Your left, not my left. No, your other left. Make the Ls with your hands.

Piglet Fun Fact #1: Pigs can get sunburn.

Before we continue, let’s have a round of applause for Kiefer. Because Kiefer hates cows. Yet we still made a special trip to the animal section to check out the calves and their big, beautiful doe eyes.

I think Kiefer hates cows because they stink.  But really, whose poo doesn’t stink? Apparently they don’t have cows on the crunchy West Coast.

Mooooooo

The fair also had a Birthing Center where you can watch cows give birth. Yeeeeah…. We didn’t hang around for that. Although it may have been pretty cool.

Of course, the fair also has rides. Blah. I really could care less. Except for the pony ride. When I was little, I always had to ride the ponies. Twice.

I was hoping to relive my youth and ride the ponies, but can you believe there is a 70-pound weight limit? I tried to convince the guy I weighed under that, but he didn’t believe me. What-ever. Pony poo-head.

I’ve already admitted that I’m not a big fan of rollercoasters (If you haven’t read the rollercoaster post, you should. It’s one of my favs.), but I’m also not fond of rides that spin…or drop. Really I dislike most rides.

But this ride. This ride is the worst.

This ride comes straight from the depths of H-E-double hockey sticks. When I become President (A vote for me, is a vote for chocolate.), I’m eliminating this ride from existence.

Why is this ride so horrible?

  1. It looks like a UFO. You know what happens on UFOs? Anal probes.
  2. It spins around at a gazillion miles an hour. That’s just not safe.
  3. When someone else pukes, it gets all over you. There’s no escape. It’s like that math problem where you throw the baseball on a train. The puke stays in the same spot and you move into it.

Then-I-Started-Being-Awesome-Instead Halloween Contest

Steps for a Legen–wait for it—Dary Costume

  1. Buy a copy of the Bro Code.
  2. Type up a letter that says: Dear Resident, The time we spent together, however long it was, meant the world to me. I would love to see you again, but unfortunately I cannot. You see, I am a ghost. I can only materialize once every decade, on the anniversary of my death. I chose to spend my one day among the living with you, sweet resident. Perhaps we will meet again, in another decade–provided you keep your figure. Until then, all my love from the beyond, Barney.
  3. Practice saying things like:
    • Haaaave you met Ted?
    • True story.
    • In my body, where the same gland should be, there’s a second awesome gland instead.
    • When I get sad, I stop being sad and get awesome instead.
  4. Suit up!*

The Barnacle Himself

*Barney Stinson Costume Variations: Penguin, Maverick from Top Gun, Old Man Barney

 

So I decided to do a blog costume contest. You don’t have to dress up as Barney. Any costume works.

I’ve been blogging about Halloween since August, so you have no excuse for not being prepared.

How do you enter?

  • Post a picture of you in costume on your blog.
  • The day after Halloween I’ll set up a Call for Submissions blog post for you to comment on and post the link to your costume.

After viewing all the costumes, I’ll pick a winner. I can do that. It’s my blog. Maybe I’ll get Blarney and Kiefer to help me judge.

I’ll post the best costume on my blog and send you a prize in the mail. (The prize will probably be cheesy.)

Good luck!


Bruce Campbell Teaches a Lesson in Awesomeness

Bruce Campbell is the man.

But, Thoughts Appear, I thought Barney Stinson was the man.

You’re right, reader. Barney Stinson is the man, and Bruce Campbell is the king.

Hail to the king, baby.

Bruce Campbell has been in a lot of movies, but the best ones are the Evil Dead movies and Army of Darkness by Sam Raimi.

Just a few of my favorite quotes:

“I’ll swallow your soul.”

“This is my boomstick!”

“Well hello, Mister Fancypants. Well, I’ve got news for you pal, you ain’t leadin’ but two things, right now: Jack and shit… and Jack left town.”

As if his movies aren’t awesome enough, Bruce Campbell is also judging a costume contest and taking part in an auction where the money goes to Scare That Cares for the Make a Wish Foundation.

And you know what would make him even awesomer? If I actually got to meet him at Horrorfind Weekend. So if anyone has any Bruce Campbell connections….