Tag Archives: Faucet Butt

Self-Flushing Toilets: A Woman’s Worst Enemy

I recently decided not to return to work, so I can stay home with Scout. Now that’s she’s smiling sans gas, I don’t want to miss one second of her cuteness.

I’ll miss my coworkers, but one thing I will not miss is the work restroom. Specifically, the self-flushing toilets.

I don’t really understand self-flushing toilets. Are people so lazy they really can’t be bothered to flush a toilet?

Just to be clear: you just press down.

 

So an engineer decided to take out his anger at nonflushing people on all of us. The engineer said, “You know what would be funny? If the toilet flushed randomly, giving people everywhere wet bottoms.”

The toilets at my work flush without warning. And they flush with such force that water sprays up. All over the toilet seat if you’re lucky, and all over your behind if you’re unlucky.

While I was pregnant, it was even worse. I’d run to the bathroom heaving with morning sickness, and while I was leaning over the toilet, it would flush, so I’d have to jump up mid-gag to avoid a face full of toilet water.

Thank goodness I only had morning sickness the first trimester. In the third trimester, there’d have been no jumping up.

Oooooooor…maybe self-flushing toilets aren’t because of lazy people. Maybe it has something to do with germs? Some genius said, “People touch the toilet handle with dirty hands, so let’s have it flush automatically.”

If that’s the case, why doesn’t the stall door open automatically? Imagine the trouble that would cause: bathroom stall doors opening randomly midpee. It would be chaos.

But a wet tushie…that’s so much better.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Those were the days. Now, people look at you funny when you bring your 9-year-old into the comfy-chair breastfeeding room. Haters.”—Pegoleg

 

 

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Movie Monday: This Is 40

My birthday is this month, and I plan to celebrate all month long. That’s right. You heard me. Not just one day. An entire month.

I’ll be 32. And man, do I feel old. On the bright side, at least I’m not turning 40. Although, after watching This Is 40, I’m thinking 40 might not be so bad. Except for all the butt stuff….

Here’s what I learned:

  • Not every woman wants a turbodick.
  • Sometimes men fake going to the bathroom to play on the iPad.

this is 40

  • Your wife will totally ask to see your…#2…if she thinks you’re fake pottying.
  • If you’re going to lie about your age, at least be consistent.
  • Sometimes you have to look at your husband’s hemorrhoids.
rudd

So many of you admitted your love for Paul Rudd that I thought you should see him from this angle.

  • Just because someone has nice things doesn’t mean she’s stealing. It means she’s an escort.
  • There is a drug called “oxykitten.”
  • Snitches end up in ditches.

Favorite Comments From Last Post:

  • “I think it means you need to go to the store where you bought them and at least offer to pay for the extra yolk. It’s the right thing to do.”—donofalltrades
  • “Were you all like, ‘Waaah? Is this some kind of yolk?’…or did you chicken out? *flips cape over shoulder and runs away*”—kickerkim

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a Match

A coworker (the one who introduced me to the term “faucet butt”) is in an on-again-off-again relationship with her Baby-Daddy…which is currently “on.” When her relationship is “on,” they have their kids all the time, which leaves no time for dating…or stuff.

 A couple weeks after Kiefer and I broke up, this happened:

Coworker: Now that you’re single, I’m going to need to live vicariously through you. So…dish.

Me: Uhhhhh….

Coworker: Dish! Tell me about your dates.

Me: Dates?

Coworker: WHAT?!?!

After that, she made it her mission to set me up with someone. At first, her attempts were easily avoided.

Coworker: I want you to go out with my brother. You’ll like him. He’s tall.

Me: That’s sweet of you. But do you really want your brother to be my rebound?

Since then, her attempts to set me up became more stealthy. I started getting Facebook friend requests from people I didn’t know.

Me: Who the heck is John Doe?

A month later….

Coworker: I went on a work trip with John Doe the other week. You’ll love him. He’s the male version of you. He loves dessert! And…he’s ripped.

Me: I’m not sure that combination is possible.

Coworker: I told him you’re moving to his building soon. I also told him if he shows up at your desk with a cupcake, he’s in.

Me: I am not that easily bought! Wait. Yes. Yes, I am. Mmmmm…cupcake….

Today is Day #5 in the new building…no cupcakes have been delivered. The moral of this post? Immediately accept friend requests from everyone if you want cupcakes.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY KIDDING ME? Carrot cake M&Ms exist? I live in Canada (ie: the home of no carrot cake M&Ms), so I am now applying for U.S. Citizenship.”—Carmen


This Is Not the Post You’re Looking For

After visiting my little brother in LA, I’m flying to the East Coast, and approximately 14 hours later, I’m headed back to the West Coast for work.

Which means…my blog will suffer, but I’ve predrafted this search terms post for you to read.

You’re welcome.

The following search terms brought the boys to the yard people to my blog:

  • Cat Playing in Toilet. Yep. Got that.
  • My Butt in See-Through Panties. Ain’t got that.
  • How to Fluff Your Lovesac. Got that.
  • Pop-Tart Addicts. I can stop any time I want!
  • White Chocolate Pop-Tarts. WHERE?! I mean…that sounds racist.
  • End of World Butt. Uhhhh…no. You should probably go see a doctor.
  • What Is a Pennis? Probably the same thing as a Pianist.

Have a great week!

What’s the funniest search term that’s brought someone to your blog?


I Said a Bad Word

I need to expand my vocabulary. In particular, my foul-mouth vocabulary.

For example…

Me: He’s such a—

You: Use your words….

Me: Poopyhead!

You: Seriously? Fail.

Do I want every other word that escapes my lips to be a cuss word? No.

But what if I’m ever asked to be on Jerry Springer? I need to spice it up a bit. Maybe even learn to throw a punch.

Speaking of punches, what if I find myself in some type of confrontation? I need to sound intimidating. And I can sound intimidating by cursing.

Scary Person: I’m gonna gut you!

Me: Well…that’s not very nice.

::Sounds of Scary Person beating me into a coma::

Really. It’s for my own protection. So I’ve decided to buy this book I saw at Retro Metro with Misty.

Creative Cursing for the Cursing-Challenged

Flipping the pages, I was able to come up with some fun words that top even “faucet butt.”

For the Playa...

For the whores who like a man who wears a fanny pack.

For the women of questionable virtue...

Homework: Try to incorporate one of these into a conversation today.