The Baby Came a Week Early…And There Was Much Rejoicing

Guess who decided to grace us with her presence a week early at 6-something AM on February 20th?

Congrats to Carrie, BlissfulBrit, and 1PointPerspective for guessing the correct day!

Let’s just call her Baby Scout to go with Boo and Radley.

Is It Time?

Kiefer: If the baby comes on Valentine’s Day, I don’t ever have to buy you a Valentine’s Day gift again, right? We’re good?

Um…no.

One of my coworkers was convinced the baby was coming on Valentine’s Day. She didn’t.

But on Sunday, after Kiefer and I finished our crab-filled Valentine’s Day brunch, I started having contractions, and I wondered if a President’s Day baby was in our future.

We spent 12+ hours timing contractions and alternating between walking Ozzy (contractions every 3.5 minutes) and putting my feet up (contractions every 5-7 minutes), and just when I was about to admit defeat, they finally subsided.

Contractions are jerks.

Apparently, crab is not a food that induces labor effectively. Unless I find out at tomorrow’s appointment that I’m dilated.

My due date is February 26th. The specialist is guessing February 18th or 19th based on her size. Technically, I could go till March 12th, but anyone who mentions that gets a swift kick to the face. TO. THE. FACE.

What’s your prediction?

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I can’t see Australia on this map so that must mean I have to buy 15 cases? Yes?”—Daile

My New Car Is Every 16-Year-Old Boy’s Dream

The two cars I’ve owned had only two doors. Since it was just me, I never needed a car with four doors.

Even that one extremely cold night in college when the girls and I decided…

• Yes, we needed to go to that frat party.
• Yes, all nine of us.
• No, we weren’t going to walk even though it was less than a mile.

Don’t judge. It was all uphill, a little snowy, unwalkable in heels, and no one looks cute bundled up in winter gear. Also…

• No, we couldn’t take two cars.

So all nine of us piled into my Ford Probe. Which was a less cool version of this one this exact one.

How do you get 9 people in that car? Easy: 1 driver, 2 in the passenger seat, 5 in the backseat, and 1 in the trunk.

Alas, those days are long gone. Strapping a baby into a carseat in the back of a two-door with one tween and one teen (who is now taller than me) seemed like a no go.

So Kiefer and I bought a grown-up SUV.

Or so I thought. My grown-up car has mood lighting.

How To Get In Someone’s Pants: Use blue mood lighting.

I may have just bought every 16-year-old boy’s dream car.

I’m totally going to get some.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Good news: IKEA sells cats. Bad news: Once you’ve gotten the tabby 3/4′s assembled, they hobble under the sofa, hiss at you and won’t come out.”—1pointperspective

The Truth About Mary Poppins

While Kiefer, Boo, and Radley had a boys’ night out, I settled onto the couch in my pajamas. Just when I was about to declare that nothing was on, I found Mary Poppins.

Now there’s a no-nonsense lady who had her shit together. Her nannying skills whip that house into shape in less than a week—which is probably why she has no references. My dad always said you need to stay at a job at least 6 months.

Here’s what I learned from the movie:

• Just because Mary Poppins can fly doesn’t mean she’s a witch. Witches have brooms. I suspect Mary Poppins was probably one of the early X-Men.
  

  No broom and no pointy hat = Not a witch.

• If you snap your fingers, your room will clean itself. What the heck, Poppins! You just set up all parents and nannies for failure.
• If medicine tastes good—like a spoon full of sugar—children will take it. Tell me something I don’t know. We do this with Ozzy Pups all the time…except we use peanut butter.
• You never need a reason to step in time. And no one will get mad about chimney soot being tracked all over their house as long as you sing and dance while doing it.
  

  In my house, let’s keep it confined to the roof, gentlemen.

Most importantly, I learned the correct way to fire someone. You bust the top of his hat out and break his umbrella. The firing is just implied.

Don’t Upset the Snow Pajama God

Yesterday afternoon we heard we’d get 4-6 inches of snow today.

Last night we heard 6-8 inches of snow.

Kiefer: Since the snow won’t start until mid morning, you may end up going to school but getting released early. So be ready.

Boo: Everybody wear their pajamas inside out tonight. That will guarantee no school or work tomorrow.

Wear your clothes inside out if you want a snow day. Not backwards.

So…

• Boo wore his pjs inside out.
• Radley wore his pjs inside out.
• Kiefer wore his pjs inside out.

Guess who fell sleep wearing their pajamas right side out.

Guess who the only person is who didn’t get out of school or work today.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “The nurses will set up a mirror for you. Maybe you’ll get lucky and it will reflect so much light, your hooha will resemble a blinding portal. My son Kelly looks like he came straight from heaven even though I went through he’ll to give birth to him.”—Susie Lindau