Esme recently discovered my apartment’s fireplace. I never use it because it’s wood-burning, not gas. And a real fire in my apartment means
easy access to smores 24/7 which means packing on 5 extra pounds just seems like a recipe for disaster.
You can’t see me.
I’m not sure why she’s always in there, but I have a few ideas:
- Santa Claus is her idol.
- She thinks it’s the safest place to be during an earthquake.
- In case the apartment catches on fire, she has an escape route.
- She’s auditioning for a play in which she will play…a log.
How do you close this? I need some priv-a-cy.
Why is Esme Kitty in the fireplace? Does your pet have a favorite spot?
I know we haven’t spoken in awhile. You’re probably thinking, She doesn’t call; she doesn’t write; she doesn’t friend request me on Facebook. Put her on the naughty list.
But better late than never, Santa. With just a few days left before Christmas, I’m sending you my Christmas list.
1. German Chocolate Cake or Red Velvet Cake Pop-Tarts
Ever since Kellogg’s came out with the Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tart, I’ve lost faith in the company.
But I’m sure Mrs. Claus or some elves could try to make one of those flavors. I’m not even asking for both flavors. Just one. Surprise me.
2. A Magic Weight Loss Pill
I know this exists. And I know you have it. No one can eat as many cookies as you do in one night and not weigh a ton.
I know your reindeer have super flying powers, but they can’t have flying powers and super strength. That’s just not how super powers work.
So stop hoarding the magic weight loss pills and slip a few my way. I’m not asking for an infinite supply. Just a few so I don’t have to choose between the chocolate chip cookies and fudge when the dessert tray is passed around.
Last but not least…
3. Keep everyone I know safe and happy.
I guess I can forego the Pop-Tarts and weight loss pills if you can manage this one.
Except my granny panties neighbor. I’ll trade her happiness for one weight loss pill. Deal?