Tag Archives: Damn You Karma

You Can Read the Post, But I Know You Just Want to See the Picture

This is life with a newborn. At least mine.

Day 1: Realize you’ve been up for about 40+ hours when you finally go to sleep.

Night 1: Your baby won’t sleep in the crib and will only sleep next to you in the bed. Expect every nurse to yell at you, and feel relief when they don’t.

Day 2: Thank goodness for the hospital gown.

Night 2: Realize you have the best baby ever because she sleeps for about 5 hours straight.

Day 3: Fight the urge to burn the hospital gown. Count every minute until you can leave the hospital.

Night 3: Five hours of straight sleep turns to 3 hours…and she won’t sleep in the crib at home.


Don’t be fooled: She’s resting in the hospital bed on a pillow.

Day 4: Wonder if your baby was bitten by a radioactive spider because that’s the only possible explanation for the color of her poo.

Night 4: Your baby refuses to sleep in the crib. Have visions of a teenager still sleeping between you and your husband.

Day 5 AM: Snicker at your husband for having to change a diaper he put on 30 seconds before.

Day 5 PM: Curse karma when you go through 3 diapers before you can even get the baby off the changing table.

Night 5: Your baby spends part of the night in the crib! Although you’re initially excited, during an early morning potty break, stop by the crib and hold your breath until you see her little chest rise up and down.

Day 6: Poke your baby while she’s in the crib because you can’t tell if she’s breathing.

Night 7: Your baby spits up all of the milk in her tummy around 11 PM. Spend the rest of the night nursing her every hour to make up for it.

Night 8: Realize you’ve never been so thankful to wake up to nurse every 3 hours again.

Day 9: Wonder if the hospital will deliver food to your house.

Day 14 AM: You are wiped. Worry that exhaustion has finally set in.

Day 14 PM: Realize a fever should not come with normal exhaustion. Begin antibiotics for mastitis.

Day 15: Hear that your stitches are healing nicely. Walk the dog for the first time in weeks.

Scout is 3 weeks old tomorrow!

The Girl Who Cried “Pickle Juice!”

Last week I posted about my plan to kick Kiefer’s procrastinating butt into gear with Operation Pickle Juice.

I’m happy to report Operation PJ is complete.

I had forgotten all about Operation PJ until I was standing in the kitchen, and a contraction tightened and turned my stomach into an overinflated basketball.

Thoughtsy: Geez. What did that book say to do to make contractions go away?

Kiefer: Sit down! You’ve been on your feet too much.

Sitting down and taking breaks during pregnancy has been difficult for me. So as I sat there waiting for the contraction to pass, my mind looked for something to do.

Operation Pickle Juice!

So I splashed some water on my crotch, threw some pickle juice on the floor, and… began to chicken out.

  • What if Kiefer just thought I peed myself?
  • All I could smell was pickle juice. He’d be onto me within a few feet of the kitchen.
  • How would I keep a straight face?

Man up! I told myself.

Thoughtsy: Uh…Kiefer? I need you to come here.

It was the “need” that got his attention. He rounded the corner, looked at my wet pants, and said…

Kiefer: Is your water leaking?

Thoughtsy: ::dramatic pause with look of terror:: 

…Just kidding! It’s ok. It’s water and pickle juice.

Kiefer: Phew! Oh…you’re in so much trouble.

Thoughtsy: I love you?

Kiefer: How long have you been planning this?

Thoughtsy: Like a week.

Kiefer: You mean it was premeditated? Big trouble….

Thoughtsy: I love you a lot?

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Is it me, or is there actually ‘shark peen’ on display in that picture?”—Bluzdude

I Do NOT Snore

Now that the second trimester is about to end, what can I tell you about it? Hmmmm…

  • It’s been uneventful.
  • I haven’t even had any crazy cravings.
  • Ozzy Pups sits on my lap all the time. I think he senses that it’s about to disappear.
  • Morning sickness returns about once a week just to mess with me.
  • I snored…twice.

During the middle of the second trimester, my mom and Kiefer had this conversation:

Mom: So…how is she? Is she driving you nuts yet?

Kiefer: Is this a trick question?

Mom: No. I mean, is everything irritating her yet?

Kiefer: Nope. She’s only had one breakdown when her clothes wouldn’t fit. She’s been good.

Mom: ::giving Kiefer a sympathetic pat:: It’s coming. Is she snoring yet?

Kiefer: No. I’ve never heard her snore.

Mom: ::another sympathetic pat:: That’s coming, too.

A few days ago, I woke up to find only myself, Ozzy, and Esme in bed. Kiefer was missing.

I thought, Haha! The sympathy middle of the night pees have finally kicked in!

The next time I woke up was for my own bathroom trip (That’s karma for laughing at Kiefer), and Kiefer was still gone. He was on the couch.

Kiefer: You were snoring.

Thoughtsy: ::horrified:: WHAT?

Kiefer: Not loudly.

Thoughtsy: You’ve been snoring since your surgery, but I just roll you over ignore it.

Kiefer: Esme was also sleeping between my legs. I think she’s just softening me up before she kills me.

Luckily, my snoring lasted 2 nights. It is finished…for now.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Whenever a stranger touches your stomach, your response should be ‘Yes, that is what happens when you eat too many large pepperoni pizzas. Let it be a lesson to you.’”—PinotNinja

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Blue Hat Hospital Club Welcomes a New Member

On Monday, Kiefer had surgery (he’s ok). Medical procedures and Kiefer are always a fun combination…for me, not him.

A few years ago, Kiefer had Lasik. The aftermath (aka Drugged-Up Kiefer) was entertaining. After insisting he was fine, he nearly fell off the curb and spent 5 minutes trying to get the key in the front door.

Once we were home, I gave him a lemon-filled powdered doughnut because I’m evil the lemon ones were one of his favorites and I wanted one for myself, too.

Powder everywhere. And he had no clue.

Kiefer looked like this…but older.

But the drugs from this surgery weren’t fun drugs. They were groggy drugs. Which meant instead of snickering at a sugar-covered Kiefer, I answered his same questions over and over again.

No fun.

But I had plenty of other entertainment at the hospital eavesdropping people watching. Here’s what I learned:

  • One lady doesn’t shave her legs during any months with an “R” in them.
  • Hospitals have a Blue Hat Club. All the important people wear the blue scrub-hair-covering things.
  • When delivering your baby, have an overnight bag…and a cooler. It was probably full of beer.
  • Hospitals give you free socks.
  • Leave the room entirely when someone get an IV.

This last one is especially important. I turned away when Kiefer got his IV. Only the first one didn’t work, so I turned back around just in time to see a bloody needle.

And that was enough to send a queasy pregnant me to the bathroom gagging.

Hopefully, when I go into labor, the nurse will only stick me once. Otherwise…

Damn you, karma.