Tag Archives: cruise

#11. The Great Mexican Outdoors

In addition to lazing about, having ice cream spoonfed to me, laying around tanning on the cruise ship, I also got off the cruise ship in Grand Cayman and Cozumel, Mexico.

In Cozumel, Kiefer and I did the Beach Buggy and Snorkel excursion. It was a neat excursion that incorporated a little bit of everything: driving a dune buggy, snorkeling, visiting Mayan ruins, playing with crocodiles, climbing the steps of a lighthouse, and eating Mexican food.

View from the lighthouse (130 steps!)

I enjoyed the excursion, especially the snorkeling. I could snorkel all day…as long as dessert breaks are included.

The Mayan ruins were a little disappointing because it was an ancient Mayan weather station about the size of your SUV.

The only part of the excursion that stunk was the dust. I was covered in dust. I broke my hairbrush trying to untangle my hair, and my hair looked prematurely gray with all the dust in it. I had to wash my hair 3 times. Three times, people!

And that is why I hate outdoorsy stuff: the dirt. Ewwww. But I’m now crossing it off my 30 Before 30 list.

My suggestion to you: bring a hat. Just to be safe, maybe stay in a bubble until it’s time to snorkel.

Maybe just snorkel down the coast to see the lighthouse instead of riding in the dune buggy. You’ll have kick like a madman, but I have faith in your kicking ability.

And one more thing, you can never put on too much sunscreen. And put it everywhere. EV-ERY-WHERE.

Including your scalp. The skin from my hair’s part got sunburnt, and now it’s peeling. And I look like I’m part snake. Or have the worst case of dandruff ever.


#3. Cruisin’ for Worms

I’m back from my cruise, and I’m feeling refreshed…and sunburnt. Don’t touch the shoulders!

Top 5 Awesomest Things About Cruising

  1. Access to ice cream 24/7
  2. Snorkeling in Cozumel
  3. Eating Warm Chocolate Melting Cake every night
  4. Grand Cayman’s beautiful blue, clear water

    Me Testing the Water Temperature

  5. Watching drunk people fall down

Top 5 Unawesomest Things About Cruising

  1. Rude cruisers
  2. Waiting in lines
  3. Questioning the cleaniness of the ice in my drink (while in Mexico) after I’ve downed half of it
  4. Seeing 200+ blog posts that I need to catch up on.
  5. Realizing there aren’t any sprinkles for the ice cream

Overall, Kiefer and I had a wonderful time on the cruise. All unpleasant experiences resulted from other passengers. Such as women talking loudly during a show:

Obnoxious women: BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Kiefer: Excuse me, but could you please keep it down? We can’t hear the comedian.

Obnoxious women: ::dirty looks::

Me: Wipe that look off your face before I stab you with this ice cream cone!

I held the ice cream cone high above my head and prepared to bring it down…directly into her heart. Just like Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Then I paused to reflect upon my actions:

  • I would be wasting a perfectly good ice cream cone.
  • But it was free, so I could just go get another.
  • But the ice cream machine was 3 floors up.
  • To be fair, several women were talking, so I’d have to stab each of them with a new ice cream cone.
  • I was on vacation and that would be entirely too much work.

One of my favorite parts of the cruise was people-watching. Especially watching the drunk people.

So raise your glass to the guy who dropped his tequila bottle while reboarding the ship in Mexico. He didn’t let the shattered glass stop him from bending down, retrieving the worm, and popping that squirmy sucker in his mouth.

Drunk-worm-eating guy, you’re my hero.


Moby Dick Spotted in the Gulf of Mexico

I’m back! You missed me, didn’t you? You want cruise details, don’t you?

Two Saturdays ago, we boarded our cruise ship: The Pequod. We didn’t meet the captain right away, but we chatted with the bartender (Flask), the porter (Ishmael), and the barista (Starbuck).

Thanks to his neverending flow of strawberry margaritas, me and Flask are like this (::fingers crossed::) now.

When we finally did meet Captain Ahab, he announced that instead of sailing to Cozumel and Grand Cayman, we would hunt whales instead.

 

Our captain then revealed that he was looking for one whale in particular: the Great White Whale. Captain Ahab seemed a little off his rocker peg leg.

After hearing about a whale that ate someone’s arm, I began to think chasing whales was not safe.

One night I awoke from a nightmare about a peg arm when a typhoon struck! The dramamine didn’t help, so I projectile vomited everywhere.

Finally, we found the Great White Whale, and it destroyed everything.

Except for me. Obviously.

I should totally write a novel based on my experience.

Seriously though, I have bunches to tell you about the cruise, but here are the highlights:

  • Strawberry margaritas are a good Pop-Tart substitute.
  • I found Pete the Penguin.
  • The best cruise diet is watermelon and dessert.
  • Snorkeling is aweschome.
  • I stabbed someone with a ice cream cone.

There’s…Something in the Water

Research. I like to do a little research before traveling.  So last night while I packed for the cruise, I decided to turn on an educational movie from Netflix.

Piranha.

 

Dear Netflix, Thanks. Thanks a lot. Please do not send man-eating fish movies just before someone is about to go cruisin’. Shame on you. Shame!

While I was packing, I took some notes as cruise survival tips for the Movies Teach Us series.

  • Man-eating piranhas like beer.
  • I need to be able to swim faster.
  • Finding Nemo was wrong when the sharks said: “Fish are friends, not food.” Fish are not friends, and you’re their food.
  • Keep your hair free of the boat propellers.
  • Just because the tagline is “There’s Something in the Water,” don’t assume it’s the fish. The tagline is actually referring to the penis the piranha bites off and then leaves floating in the water. No one needs to see that. Thank god, I didn’t see it in 3-D.
  • Training bras itch.
  • Don’t hang around Richard Dreyfuss. He attracts sea monsters. First Jaws, now Piranha.

And most importantly, never litter. When Richard Dreyfuss drops his beer bottle into the lake, it sets off a chain of events.

Littering causes pollution in lakes, which causes earthquakes, which releases piranhas, which causes everyone in water to be eaten alive.

So…who’s going snorkeling with me?

Nobody?

Fine. While I’m gone, you should Search bomb Clay, Ironic Mom, and everyone else you know.


How To Prepare for a Cruise

  1. Pawn your cat off on your parents.
  2. Buy 10 new swimsuits.
  3. Realize you may have gone overboard (Bwahaha! Overboard! Get it?) and return 3 swimsuits.
  4. Wax your underarms.
  5. After the underarm pain subsides, wax your bikini line.
  6. DoubleTriple check the boarding time so you don’t miss the boat.
  7. Buy 5 bottles of Dramamine.
  8. Notice your pasty white legs.
  9. Apply Natural Glow Firming Tanning Lotion (fair to medium skin tones).
  10. Realize you don’t have time for gradual tanning. Apply lotion for medium to tan skin tones.
  11. Wonder if your hands look orange.
  12. Pack entire summer wardrobe.
  13. Confirm that your hands are definitely orange.
  14. Drop hints that it would be coolest thing ever if your boyfriend proposed on the cruise.
  15. Realize you shouldn’t get your hopes up.
  16. Practice your surprise-ring face just in case.
  17. Create “Have You Seen Pete the Penguin?” posters to pass out to the water wildlife in case he survived the shark attack.
  18. Narrow your book selection down from 10 books to 2. Well, maybe 3.
  19. Buy underwater cameras. (Crap. I’ll be right back.)