Tag Archives: crack

Just Say No to Pumpkin

Just in case you didn’t know…Fall Halloween is nearly upon us.

I’d like to take this opportunity to educate new readers on my views of pumpkin. I preach and practice P.A.R.E. (Pumpkin Abuse Resistance Education).

Acceptable Pumpkin

This candy is pretty much the only acceptable pumpkin. Ever. Let me know if I missed something. Maybe I did. I’ve been wrong before.

Last night at the grocery store, I saw a completely unacceptable form of pumpkin:

This time of year pumpkin is everywhere. And it’s not ok. It’s NOT ok. Just say no.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “You think he might be trying to trap you, huh? You should tell him, ‘I WANT to be here, so in your face.’ That’ll teach him.”—Queen Gen

Don’t Go in the Water

I’ve never really watched the Summer Olympics before, but this week I watched it while I was at the gym.

It’s a motivator really. One day they’ll add ellipticalling (one L or two?) to the Olympics, and I’ll bring home the gold for U.S.A. It’s really just a matter of time.

While I’m at the gym, usually water polo is on TV.

At first, I didn’t even realize what it was. From a distance, it looked like synchronized swimming, and I thought, “Wow. The U.S.A. is definitely not placing in this event.”

But after watching two games (one women’s and one men’s), I now consider myself an expert in water polo.

You can be an expert, too. Here’s what you need to know:

  • Water polo is like hockey. Minus the puck, sticks, ice, and padding. Soooo…by “like,” I mean the only similarity is that it’s bloody.
  • Water polo is dangerous. You could drown.
  • In fact, it only appears that the object of the game is to put the ball in the net. The goal is actually to drown as many opposing team members as possible.
  • Drown the opposing team by grabbing their swimsuits. If they don’t drown, you’ll at least gain some time while they readjust the swimsuit to cover their privates.
  • Men wear Speedos to show off their abs and pecs because there’s less swimsuit for the opposing team to grab.

Don’t be surprised if you see me announce during the next water polo game….

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “That is the cutest form of Robert Pattinson I’ve seen to date.”—Nikki B

There’s Bacon in My Dessert

You know it’s going to be a good day when you wake up to see any of the following:

  • You haven’t overslept.
  • Your cat fed itself.
  • You’ve won the lottery.
  • Your roommates actually cleaned up the pizza box and half eaten slices instead of leaving them sit out all night. (I have a better chance of winning the lottery….)
  • Your blog is Freshly Pressed.
  • It’s not the zombie apocalypse…yet.
  • Yogi Castle, the greatest frozen yogurt place ever, is following you on Twitter.

That’s right: Yogi Castle is following ME on Twitter. Someone there knows all about the Yogi Castle Chronicles.

So every night for the rest of my life one night this week I’ll be celebrating with Yogi Castle’s new flavor:

Okay…so maybe I already celebrated.

Mounds Yogurt, Coconut, Cookie Dough, and Caramel and Vanilla Syrups

And for you weirdos freaks other people who like bacon in your dessert, there’s something for you, too.

Non-Fat Bay-con

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “What the hell are Peeps??? I’m Australian, so please use words like “beer” or “ale” and also “lager” to describe the treat.”—Captain Sweatpants

So many of the comments on the last post were hilarious. Also check out Ellie Ann’s, and Laurie’s, Queen Gen’s, and Vesta Vayne’s comment thread, which starts here.

I Said “Just a Bite”

Homonyms: Words with the same pronunciation but different meanings.

Me: Maybe we should watch an adult movie tonight.

Kiefer: What? ::realizing I’ve never suggested watching an “adult movie”:: Really?

Me: Yeah. Like a noncartoon movie since the boys aren’t here.

Kiefer: Oh….

This homonym meant disappointment for Kiefer.

Synonyms: Different words with similar meanings.

Me: May I have a bit of your cotton candy bar?

Kiefer: Sure. You can have a bite.

This synonym meant disappointment for me. Because, to me, a “bit” means “half.”

PS: I have 3 words for you concerning cotton candy bars’ tastiness: Cotton. Candy. Crack.

Favorite Comments From Previous Post:

  • “What kind of cheap date is a canoe ride in a polluted lake? Where’s the yacht, with the champagne and cheese and strawberries? I’m pretty sure this dream is warning you to keep your standards high.”—Queen Gen
  • “Dreaming of Cee Lo and otters has a really interesting interpretation. It means you were a mermaid in a previous life and sort of promiscuous. Shocking, I know.”—Linda Medrano

Chocolate + Coconut = Crack

Good morning, class! Would everyone please take their seats?

Readers, if you’ve learned anything here, I hope it’s these two things:

  1. Acceptable Chocolate-to-Fruit Ratio
  2. Yummy Food = Crack

The other day Miss Piece of the Piehole sent me a link to a blog with lots of delicious food.

Because of my recent coconut kick, I made The Domestic Rebel’s Almond Joy Blondie Bars. Except I used more chocolate…of course.

Even though the recipes don’t specifically list “crack” as an ingredient, I’m sure it’s in there. Why? Science.

Chemistry 101

I suspect that when certain foods come into contact with each other, a chemical reaction occurs and results in an addictive substance known as crack.

For those of you mathematically inclined, write this equation down. It’s even more important than E = MC².

Chocolate³ + Coconut = Crack

That’s just one example. Here’s another:

When the amount of Cake ≤ the amount of Icing = Crack

Physics 101

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Action: Eating food with crack in it.

Reaction: Eating even more food with crack in it.

Reaction to the Reaction: Expanding thighs.

Favorite Comment from Previous Post: “I vote turbo-slut, but with nerds! You’ll be doing a good deed while getting knocked up and staying disease free! And your kid will probably be a genius, there’s really no downside.”—Cocktails at Tiffanys