Tag Archives: cookies

A Cookie for a Touchdown

Super-sound it out-Bowwwwwl?

What’s that? It was yesterday? Huh.

Guess I missed it because I was celebrating National Frozen Yogurt Day. Priorities, you know.

Just kidding! I watched the commercials Superbowl. Was anyone else disappointed in the commercials? I pinpointed a few reasons they fell short this year:

  • That cute little Darth Vader kid was missing. Seinfeld and Uncle Jesse didn’t stand a chance.
  • No one licked anyone else’s Dorito-covered fingers.
  • Clint Eastwood, why so serious?
  • Weego the Rescue Dog’s beer-fetching trick was used as pet slave labor. Couldn’t someone have given that little dog a treat?

At least I had crack cookies to console me. No, not these crack cookies, new crack cookies.

No, I didn't set up this picture. I always leave a few pieces of candy and a bottle of Chocovine behind my cookies.

The original recipe for these cookies came from Princess’s sister, but every time I make it, I use different candy.

  • 1 box of chocolate cake mix
  • 1 egg
  • 1 stick of melted butter (2 tbsp more if dough is too dry)
  • 2 cups of chocolate chips
  • 25 Raspberry Hershey’s Kisses or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Smash Kisses, Reese’s Cups, or the candy of your choice. (This is also a good stress reliever.) Mix all of the ingredients together. Roll into balls on place on parchment paper. Bake at 325 degrees for about 13 minutes.

As you can see, the recipe is super easy and follows my rule not to use more than 5 ingredients.

Enjoy cookies with Chocovine pictured. Yum!

Salmonella: The Biggest Conspiracy Ever

Time to test your knowledge. Are the following items real or made up?

  • Aliens
  • Bigfoot
  • Nessie the Lochness Monster
  • Abominable Snowman
  • Salmonella

Hopefully you answered “real” for all of them except one. Salmonella is the biggest conspiracy ever. It’s not real. Let me explain….

Raw Cookie Dough

I’ve been eating raw cookie dough for years, and I’ve never had salmonella.

Salmonella isn’t real. It’s just something parents made up, so there would actually be dough left to make cookies. And because parents don’t want their children all hopped up on sugar running around like mini-maniacs.

The Name “Salmonella”

Say “Salmon.” Now say “Ella.” It should have sounded like “Sam-on-Ella.” Want me to use it in a sentence?

Look behind the bleachers, and you’ll see some Sam-on-Ella action.

When you’re talking about the fish, you don’t pronounce the “L.” Suddenly, when you’re talking about the bacteria, you pronounce the “L.”

That smells fishy to me. Sounds like someone tried to kill two birds with one stone catch two fish with one worm by stopping children from eating raw cookie dough while correcting the pronunciation of the fish.

The Symptoms (and My Potty Mouth)

You know what happens when you contract this so-called salmonella? You get faucet butt. That’s it. Then it passes.(Bwahahaha! It passes!) So how do you know if you had faucet butt from salmonella or if you got the runs from something else? You don’t know.

In conclusion, if you have children, perpetuate the salmonella myth because that means more raw cookie dough for you.

Celebrity Rehab, Here I Come!

To help cut down on desserts, I’ve decided to replace them with these substitutes:

  • Marshmallows are a good fat free snack, so I’m sure the vodka is equally as healthy.
  • Orange Whipped Vodka. Orange counts as a fruit.
  • Cookie Dough Vodka is safer than raw cookie dough because there’s no salmonella.
  • Cotton Candy Vodka…I have no healthy argument for this.

So my question is…How famous do you have to be for Celebrity Rehab? Just in case this substitution creates a problem in the future, I want to be prepared.

But I can stop any time I want. So I’ll be fine.

An Open Letter Concerning Contaminated Cantaloupe

Dear Restaurants That Serve Cantaloupe,

Why do you always serve a side of honey dew and cantaloupe with my breakfast? Don’t you know that nobody eats those two fruits?

We all know that you just serve that side of fruit to make my plate look more colorful and appetizing. But you know what would make my plate look more appetizing?

A side of fruit that I would actually eat. Watermelon, oranges, grapes, apple slices, pineapples, strawberries. I’d even be ok with you slapping an unpeeled banana on the side of my plate.

But cantaloupe? Seriously? It’s always been icky, but now it’s contaminated, too.

First the spinach was contaminated, and now the cantaloupe. Have you noticed that only healthy food ever gets recalled?

I just glanced quickly at the recall list for the past 2 weeks. All fruits and veggies with the exception of some Mac N’ Cheese (what’s up with that Velveeta?).

When’s the last time you heard about Ben and Jerry recalling ice cream or Mr. Wonka recalling some chocolate?

You haven’t. Because it’s never happened.

So the next time you tell me that my omelet comes with two sides, the sides better be one of the following combinations:

  • Breakfast Potatoes and Watermelon/Pineapple/Both
  • Breakfast Potatoes and a Blueberry Muffin
  • Breakfast Potatoes and a Cotton Candy Doughnut
  • Breakfast Potatoes and a Chocolate Chip Cookie
  • A Chocolate Chip Cookie and a Scoop of Ice Cream
  • Or any of the above and a cupcake.

I look forward to this change being implemented immediately. And by immediately, I mean by this weekend.

Thank you for your attention in this matter, melon heads.



Nanny Nanny Boo Boo! Stick Your Head in….

Please excuse the regression to my 5-year-old self.

But I’m having an early birthday celebration this weekend! I’m so flippin’ excited that I may pee my pants! Oops…too late…. Apparently bladder control starts to go at age 29.


So you’ll have to do without me for a few days. I know, I know. Deep breaths. 

What? You forgot my birthday was this month? I can’t believe that you would forget something so important. I mean, it’s not like you have your own blogs, lives, children, and pets to take care of or anything. (::head hung in shame:: <–Yours, not mine.)

Anyways, as my early birthday present, please pick one of the following:

  • Search for a Pete, Jr. (I heard Pete was quite the ladies’ penguin.)
  • Bake some cookies (and then send me a sample).
  • Check out my About and Background pages. (I updated them forever ago and then didn’t tell you.)
  • Start a fundraiser for me you and me to go on another cruise.

Now for some serious business.

Serious Business #1: There’s an imposter amongst us. While the Hipster and I were in Ellicott City, we found someone masquerading as The Jolie!

Serious Business #2: Please send wrinkle cream. Apparently my 29-year-old forehead needs some.

Note to self: Never make that face again. It causes wrinkles.