Tag Archives: cabana boy

In Football Vampires Are the Shirts and Werewolves Are the Skins

Thank you to everyone who voted on The Birds and the Bees in Breaking Dawn.

Like me, most of you were only interested in cabana boys, but some of you thought I should rewatch New Moon and Eclipse and take notes for Movies Teach Us.

After watching the movies, I noticed that all of my notes fit into two categories: Bella Is Stupid and Sex.

Sex

  • According to Bella’s dad, sex today is not the same as it was 10 years ago.
  • Sometimes guys actually say, “Stop trying  to take your clothes off.”

 These two movies are where Jacob really enters the picture to make a love triangle, so part of this list is a Jacob vs. Edward list.

Bella Is Stupid

  • In about 2 minutes, Edward asks Bella to marry him 3 times. W.T.F. Just say “yes!”
  • Jacob has abs, pecs, and a motorcycle. Edward is skinny and pale.
  • Jacob can serve as your very own personal heater in the winter.
  • Edward sparkles.
  • Bella hops on a motorcycle with a complete stranger.
  • No one is that clumsy. Pay attention, Bella.
  • Bella drives a motorcycle without a helmet.

    This picture is my Christmas present to you. You're welcome.

 

The most important lesson I learned is that werewolves are truly magical. When they transform, where do their shorts and sneakers go? They just disappear and then reappear.

That, my blog friends, is talent. Talent that every cabana boy needs.


The Birds and the Bees in Breaking Dawn

The other weekend I watched Breaking Dawn: Part 1.

Before you start moaning and groaning or click away,  hear me out.

Let’s start with the birds and bees. When a boy and a girl fall in love, they have sex.

You’ll want to sit down for this next part.

A stork does not bring babies. (I know, I know. I was shocked as well.)

Sex leads to babies. That’s why it’s always important to have protected sex…even when your husband is a vampire. Just because he’s dead, doesn’t mean his baby batter is dead as well.

And now I present to you the pros and cons of vampire pregnancy.

  • Pro: You have a quick pregnancy.

    "It's either a baby or indigestion...I'm just not sure."

  • Pro: You put all of the weight in your tummy…because the baby is sucking the life out of you (Con).
  • Con: The pregnancy will break your back…and kill you.
  • Pro: You won’t have to breastfeed because your baby only wants blood.
  • Pro: You come back as a beautiful vampire.

After carefully weighing all of that, a vampire pregnancy sounds like a good option. I just joined Team Edward.

Here’s what else I learned from Breaking Dawn: Part 1.

  • Fathers who are cops are scary…because they have guns…and know how to use them…and will use them on their daughter’s husband.
  • Kristen Stewart is skinny. Too skinny. Her scrawny legs freak me out.
  • I will never get tired of looking at Taylor Lautner (my future cabana boy) shirtless. Never.

Anyways…now I have a dilemma. Should I rewatch the entire saga for Movies Teach Us?

I didn’t like Twilight. I don’t particularly want to watch it again. But I will. For the blog. For you, my blog buddies.


Moving to Hawaii

Aloha! My coworker and I decided to move to Hawaii. My dreams of having a Cabana Boy may finally come true.

We started a list to help with the move.

  • Find a job.

At first, I thought, Does it really matter what job? I’ll be in Hawaii! I could bus tables and still be happy. Then I learned the cost of living in Hawaii is pretty high. Bummer.

 

  • Find a Cabana Boy.

What’s the point of living in Hawaii if I can’t have a Cabana Boy? I’m accepting applications now if you’d like to apply.

  • Plant a garden.

My coworker (She’s the one who coined the term “faucet butt.”) said fresh produce is expensive there, so we’ll need to plant our own fruits and vegetables.

  • Buy a cow.

This item is also my coworker’s contribution. Apparently, milk is expensive in Hawaii. But I have the following questions/concerns:

  • Do cows know how to use a litter box?
  • That’s a lot of newspaper to lay down. Probably equivalent to what we’d spend on milk.
  • Who will actually do the milking? I nominate her 6-year-old son or 2-year-old daughter.

On second thought, maybe living in Hawaii with a Cabana Boy isn’t worth the cow clean-up.


I Miss Borders Already

Borders is closing. And that means no more Cocoa Trios.

And although that means I won’t put on 5 pounds this winter, I’m still devestated.

Why, God, why would you take the Cocoa Trio from me in my time of need?!

After hearing the news, I needed a laugh, and who better to make me laugh than Robin Williams and Nathan Lane in The Birdcage.

Those two guys are comedy geniuses. And although I was looking for a laugh, the movie kinda depressed me even more.

But ever the teacher, I still took notes for you. I got off to a rocky start, but here’s what I learned…

  • Some men dressed as women look better than I do.
  • They are definitely better at makeup and hair than I am.
  • Their boobs look better, too.
  • I need a hot man-maid to clean for me. Or a Cabana boy. (Do you have to have a Cabana to have a Cabana Boy?)
  • John Wayne walks funny.
  • Gay men like showtunes. (Le sigh. I need more gay friends.)

Is It Hot in Here? Or Is It Just Me?

Last night I talked with my friend Puddin’. We always cover a broad range of topics, such as the following:

  • Mary Poppins’s bloomers
  • Pop-Tarts vs. Frosted Mini-Wheats for breakfast
  • Books (in particular how Alice I Have Been made me suspect Lewis Carroll’s intentions towards little girls)
  • Tom Hanks movies
  • Her son saying “Okey Dokey”
  • Handsome Hot actors

I’d like to open up the last bullet for discussion. Here’s an excerpt of Puddin’ and I’s conversation.

Puddin’: I’ve been abusing my free trial of Netflix. All I do is watch movies….God, Hugh Jackson is hot.

Me: Yeah, he is. ::Sigh:: Until he opens his mouth. Wait, or is that Gerard Butler? One of them sounds like a goofball.

Puddin’: You know who is hot? Channing Tatum. And he’s 30! He’s in my age range! I always feel weird saying Taylor Lautner is hot….

Me: Yeah. I don’t like admitting that I think Taylor Lautner is hot to anyone but you. So Channing Tatum is our new Cabana boy?

When I was a tween (Yes, I just said “Tween.” I’m hip.), I had crushes on tons of guys. But once I got a little older, I remember there really only being 2 go-to hot adult actors: Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise.

And Sean Connery. (And am I the only one who had a little thing for Tommy Lee Jones?) But let’s face it…an 18-year-old couldn’t admit to that. It’s only acceptable for a real adult to say that, not a wannabe adult.

Now there are tons of good-lookin’ actors to drool over.

Who are some of your favorite actors/actresses now and when you were younger?