I’d like to introduce you to my blog wife, Mrs. Amy Thoughts Appear. Or is it Ms.? Or Amy Fix-It-Or-Deal-Appear? Craaaaap. We didn’t discuss how Amy felt about changing her name. Or maybe I should change my name?
Let’s just stick with Amy at Fix It or Deal.
I can’t tell you how happy I was when I got the email from Thoughtsy letting me know that she had chosen me as her blog wife. Seriously, I can’t tell you. I got a reputation to keep, ya know. Anyway, let’s just say that I was “overly pleased,” and I may have needed a tissue.
We’re quite perfect for each other. I like zombies; she likes zombies. I like movies; she likes movies. I like cupcakes; she bakes cupcakes. It’s a match made in cyberspace.
So, what’s the best way for me to express my devotion to my new blog wife? With an homage, of course.
Without further ado, I present: What Thoughts Appear’s Blog Has Taught Me
- Pop-Tarts have a very loyal following, and flavor preferences are a very personal thing.
- If you pay close enough attention, you can learn something from any movie. Even one about arctic Nazi zombies.
- Florida has an amazing wolf sanctuary where the wolves will walk right up and sit on your lap. (And I experienced it for myself!)
- There is such as thing as “fake pants.”
- The US Army Physical Fitness Test is something that I never, ever want to attempt and push-ups are from the devil.
- If you eat something that is amazingly tasty, it probably has crack in it.
- There are a lot more steps to riding a mechanical bull than I ever imagined possible.
- David Zincenko is quite possibly the most miserable man on the planet and really, truly just needs to eat a funnel cake and live a little. Just do it, David. You know you wanna.
Many thanks to my blog wife for letting me take over her blog for a day. But, I guess what’s yours is mine now, right? Except your Pop-Tarts. I would never take those. It’s always good to know your boundaries in a marriage.
Amy, I will totally share my Pop-Tarts with you. That’s why they come in a 2-pack…for sharing.
Riding a mechanical bull is difficult business. There’s no saddle, stirrups, or horns to help you stay on. (Horns tend to poke drunk people’s eyes out.)
Also, the bull is super smooth and slippery. Imagine a Slip N’ Slide in the shape of a bull and covered in beer instead of water. (Oh, God, I hope it was beer.)
Here are the steps I recommend for maximum riding time:
- Start the evening off with a text from The Hipster herself wishing you luck.
- Eat a light dinner (so there won’t be much to throw up).
- Have a curiously strong drink.
- Have 2 more curiously strong drinks.
- Wish you’d eaten something more substantial for dinner.
- Watch everyone fall off the bull in the first 2 seconds.
- Pray that you make it to 3 seconds.
- Watch one girl spend 5 minutes just trying to get on the bull.
- Pray that you can at least get on the bull.
- Tell the operator to take it easy on you because you’re tipsy and will probably fall off before the bull even moves.
- Leap onto the bull. (Or if you’re riding with someone else, grab her boobs to sturdy yourself).
- Fall off after a few seconds.
- Get back onto the bull.
- Regret telling the operator that you’re tipsy as he spins you around in circles.
- Squeeze your legs with all your might.
- Ride the bull’s side because you refuse to admit defeat.
As you can see here, I wasn’t able to stay on the bull very long at all.
That leaves 4 uncompleted activities on my 30 Before 30 list and less than a month to do them. Yikes!
So who else survived the rapture? Are we missing anyone? Anyone do a headcount?
After watching Back to the Future with Boo and Radley, I decided to watch another time travel movie while folding laundry: Hot Tub Time Machine.
I learned that…
- Chevy Chase can fix time machines.
- Even though I don’t have a penis, I still cross my legs when guys pull out catheters. Owwww….
- Crispin Glover will always be George McFly.
- Never puke on a squirrel. He’ll retialate.
And then because I had ironing to do and I missed cruising, I watched a water movie: Moby Dick 2010.
From this movie, I learned that…
- Riding in a boat named “The Coffin” doesn’t seem like a good idea.
- When someone named “Ahab” says there’s something in the water, believe him.
- Never look a whale in the eye. It’ll bite your leg off.
- Where there are giant squids, there are even bigger whales.
PS: The mechnical bull riding video is up on Thoughtsy Appear’s Facebook page if you want a sneak preview of the video before the post tomorrow.
Dear Moron in the Annapolis Doubletree Lobby,
Let me introduce myself. Last Friday night, this happened:
Guy in Lobby on Cell Phone: ::attempting to whisper:: There are loud drunk people here.
What I Thought: Where?
What I Said (in a stage whisper): Shhhh…we’re the loud drunk people!
Where to begin…let’s address “loud.”A hotel lobby after midnight is empty and quiet. So in comparison…everything seems loud.
And since I could hear you whispering, you were being loud.
Next, let’s address “drunk.” I heard your little comment, so obviously I was coherent. Perhaps the fact that you thought you were whispering means you, sir, were the Drunky McDrunk.
Clinging to Kiefer didn’t mean I couldn’t walk. I was clinging to his arm because I was freezing my tushie off, and I was trying to absorb all of the heat from his body. (My super power is sucking heat from others.)
And as for my response of “Shhhh…we’re the loud drunk people,” it’s called a “stage whisper” because you want people to hear what you’re saying.
PS: You almost ruined my Doubletree cookie with your nonsense. Almost.
So I have good news and bad news.
The bad news is that I didn’t scream “Yee-haw!” The other bad news is that Kiefer is procrastinating…again. He has several pictures and a video of the mechanical bull riding from Friday night, and he won’t give them to me.
The good news is I
bullied badgered begged bribed pouted nagged asked him very nicely, and he finally sent me a picture.
Is it just me or do I kinda resemble the little dead girl from The Ring?
See how my legs are back? That does not allow for maximum riding time. After observing other bull riders, I noticed people that gripped their legs around the bull’s neck seemed to stay on longer.
Anyways, while I’m waiting for more pics, here’s a teaser:
After riding the bull alone, a friend and I decided to ride together. Getting on a bull with someone else on it is really tricky. Here’s the procedure for that:
- Person #1 mounts the bull.
- Person #2 jumps onto the bull and slides off the back.
- Person #2 jumps again and unknowingly grabs Person #1’s boobs.
- Person #2 moves hands to a better location.
- Person #2 assures
Kiefer her boyfriend that she still loves him, isn’t changing “teams,” and the groping was purely accidental.