Tag Archives: Books

I Was on the Nice List

Celebrity sighting! Celebrity sighting!

Just before the holidays, I paid a visit to Santa. He was going through cookie withdraw, and that’s why he looked a little green. Santa and I talked a little bit about this past year, my behavior, and my Christmas list.

About half way through our conversation, I realized it wasn’t really Santa. This was an imposter!

How did I know?

No beard.

And I always thought Santa had a bigger “bowl full of jelly.”

It was Mr. Ba Humbug, Scrooge’s green counterpart: The Grinch.

The Grinch says, "You know who's cool? This gal."

This is what Kiefer calls my rock star hair. Translation: I didn’t brush it look in the mirror when I parted it.

After I pointed out he wasn’t really Santa, the Grinch and I exchanged a few words. I agreed to bake him delicious cookies if he would agree to not steal my presents on Christmas Eve.

My Christmas presents were under the tree Christmas morning, so obviously the Grinch as turned over a new leaf thanks to Cindy Loo Hoo me.

I didn’t get the magic weight loss pills I was hoping for (so I assume my granny panties neighbor is doing well), but here is a sampling of what I received:

That’s the ad the Kindle stopped on…it’s not my fault.

What’s that little blue thing in the corner by the camera? I’ll explain that later.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! What was your favorite gift that you received? And what was your favorite gift that you gave to someone else?


The Birds and the Bees in Breaking Dawn

The other weekend I watched Breaking Dawn: Part 1.

Before you start moaning and groaning or click away,  hear me out.

Let’s start with the birds and bees. When a boy and a girl fall in love, they have sex.

You’ll want to sit down for this next part.

A stork does not bring babies. (I know, I know. I was shocked as well.)

Sex leads to babies. That’s why it’s always important to have protected sex…even when your husband is a vampire. Just because he’s dead, doesn’t mean his baby batter is dead as well.

And now I present to you the pros and cons of vampire pregnancy.

  • Pro: You have a quick pregnancy.

    "It's either a baby or indigestion...I'm just not sure."

  • Pro: You put all of the weight in your tummy…because the baby is sucking the life out of you (Con).
  • Con: The pregnancy will break your back…and kill you.
  • Pro: You won’t have to breastfeed because your baby only wants blood.
  • Pro: You come back as a beautiful vampire.

After carefully weighing all of that, a vampire pregnancy sounds like a good option. I just joined Team Edward.

Here’s what else I learned from Breaking Dawn: Part 1.

  • Fathers who are cops are scary…because they have guns…and know how to use them…and will use them on their daughter’s husband.
  • Kristen Stewart is skinny. Too skinny. Her scrawny legs freak me out.
  • I will never get tired of looking at Taylor Lautner (my future cabana boy) shirtless. Never.

Anyways…now I have a dilemma. Should I rewatch the entire saga for Movies Teach Us?

I didn’t like Twilight. I don’t particularly want to watch it again. But I will. For the blog. For you, my blog buddies.


Going for What You Want Means Losing Something Else

I’m a huge fan of Emily Giffin’s books. Huge. I-should-be-president-of-her-fan-club kind of huge.

Somehow I missed the Something Borrowed movie when it opened (I was busy re-enacting Mortal Kombat with Esme), but I finally watched it.

Here’s what I learned from the movie:

  • It’s never too late.
  • Grinding a guy’s leg while dancing will cause you to pull a muscle near your vagina.
  • You’ll never get what you want unless you ask for it.
  • If a girl is too clingy, don’t tell her you’re gay. She’ll just want you more.
  • New York City is completely empty 4th of July weekend…except for your parents.
  • You didn’t waste your 20s, you grew up.

This movie didn’t get the best reviews, but I enjoyed it. Rachel, who is essentially the girl next door, ends up sleeping with her best friend’s (Darcy’s) fiance (Dex).

So the audience is in a difficult position: 

  • Rachel is the “good girl.” So why is she sleeping with her friend’s fiance?
  • Darcy isn’t a very likeable character, but they still feel some sympathy for her…until they find out she kinda stole Dex from Rachel and that Darcy’s been cheating on Dex as well.

But good people sometimes do bad things. Sometimes people make mistakes.

And in the next book, Darcy becomes less bitchy, and everything works out for her.

Did you read the book or see the movie? What did you think?


#23. Muffins, Muffins, and More Muffins

So when I first saw the 1 Mix, 100 Muffins book on sale, it was love at first sight. At least for the first few seconds.

Then I became skeptical. Why is a book containing 100 muffin recipes on clearance instead of a pedestal?

So not judging a book by it’s cover (ba dum ching!) or its price sticker, I opened the book to peruse the recipes.

I counted 25 muffin recipes that I really wanted to make, so I bought the book. 25 muffins was a lot. Only later did I realize that was only 25%. (I’ve never been very good at math.)

 And so, I became a feverish baker. Flour flew into my hair. My blender beat eggs and sugar. My spoon stirred. And my muffins tins were dressed with paper and then filled with mix. I paced in front of the oven like a father outside the delivery room.

Each time I pulled a new muffin from the oven, I broke apart its still-steaming goodness and popped a piece into my anxious mouth.

Sometimes my teeth sunk into the muffin seat with delight, sometimes with disappointment.

About half of the muffins were delicious, but the other half of the recipes yielded muffins that very heavy or not flavorful enough. Maybe it was the recipe, maybe it was the me (this seems most likely).

Surprisingly, the two healthy recipes turned out pretty good. Good-for-you muffins actually taste good? Who’da thunk it? (Spectra, do healthy muffins = muffin tops?)

But I refuse to post healthy muffins on this blog. Just doesn’t seem right.

How about the Blackberry and Apple Muffins instead? They are part of the fruit food group.

  • 2 cups flour
  • 1 tbsp baking powder
  • 1/2 heaping cup firmly packed light brown sugar
  • 9 oz apple (plus a little more—my own addition)
  • 2 large eggs
  • 1 cup buttermilk
  • 6 tbsp melted and cooled butter
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract (plus a little more—my own addition)
  • 1.5 cups frozen blackberries
  • 3 tbsp raw brown sugar
Mix the flour, baking powder, light brown sugar, and finely chopped apple. Lightly beat the eggs, buttermilk, butter, and vanilla extract. Add blackberries.
 
Make a well in the center of the dry ingredients. Pour in the wet ingredients. STIR GENTLY. DO NOT OVERMIX.
 
Pour the mix into muffin pan. Sprinkle raw brown sugar over the tops. Bake for about 20 minutes at 400.
 
#23 on the 35 Before 35 complete!

Nice Nymph Seeks Committed Centaur

In high school, my English teacher took us on a field trip to Towson University. We also stopped at the local Borders (RIP) for an assignment: Find a book, buy it, read it, write a paper about it.

I chose Francesca Lia Block’s I Was a Teenage Fairy.

Since then, I’ve read over a dozen of her books. She’s an amazing writer who works wonders with similes, metaphors, and imagery.

So because I love mythology, and due to recent events, I decided to read her book: Wood Nymph Seeks Centaur: A Mythological Dating Guide.

Block divides men and women into types and compares them to mythological characters. So who am I? Fairy? Wood Nymph? Mermaid? Banshee? Vamp?

I’m a hybrid: Pixie-Tess. In summary, a pixie is light-hearted, calm, enjoys outdoor activities, but when she’s upset, she retreats to herself. Tesses are friendly, loyal, compassionate, very sensitive, shy, and often put others before themselves.

Of course, I also had to read the male descriptions, so I could see what Kiefer was and whether or not we were compatible in the mythological world.

It didn’t take me long to figure out what Kiefer was: part Tree Elf, part Merman. Tree Elves like outdoor activities, are social, and they tend to fear commitment. Ah-ha! The Merman aka The Dude (Remember Kiefer was the Big Lebowski last year for Halloween?) are liberal, extremely laidback, and outdoorsy.  They’re also not into commitment until later in life.

The book said that our types were well-suited for each other…just not until Kiefer is ready to settle down and turns 40…which is next year.