Tag Archives: bad puns

Radley Discovers the Pun

When Kiefer and I first started dating, Radley was 5. He was a cutie who always wanted me to carry him or let him sit in my lap.


We may or may not have also been into matching the color of our shirts.

And then one time, Radley farted…while he was in my lap.

I told him it would be great if he could stand up next time. So from then on, randomly he would pop off my lap, take a few steps away, fart, and then climb back into my lap.

It was hilarious.

In addition to farting-lapsitting etiquette, Radley also had no idea what sarcasm was.

Kiefer: Thoughtsy, look! A pumpkin scone!

Thoughtsy: My favorite!

Radley: Wait…I thought you didn’t like pumpkin?

Now Radley’s almost 11, and he loves sarcasm.

Radley: Now don’t eat my pumpkin pie, Thoughtsy. I know how much you love it.

Not only has he mastered sarcasm, he’s also mastered the pun:

Radley busts in on Boo while he’s in the bathroom. Screaming and laughing commences. Then…

Radley: Dad, I think I broke the bathroom door knob! I think it needs to be screwed back in.

Kiefer: Stop screwing around up there! (This pun was completely unintentional.)

Radley: Nice one, Dad. I see what you did there. Screw. Ha-ha!

Radley still has a lot to learn though.

Radley: I want to be Michael Myers or Jason for Halloween.

A couple weeks later when Kiefer and I were watching Halloween

Radley: Who is that guy?

Obviously, we’ve spent too much time on word play and not enough time watching horror movies.

Got any kid stories to share? They don’t have to be your kids.

I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me

Three things that scare the bejeezus out of me. Three things that keep me awake at night. Three things that I consider my worst nightmare. Those three things are…

  1. A Pop-Tart shortage
  2. A chocolate shortage
  3. Aliens abducting, poking, probing, and prodding me (::shudder::)

If aliens are real, I want to be prepared. That’s why I viewed The Watch. They set up a Neighborhood Watch to catch a killer, and they ended up discovering aliens living in their ‘hood. Here’s what I learned:

  • It really pisses off the Neighborhood Watch when you egg them and then use the pun Yolk’s on you!
  • If you find a silver bowling ball, don’t put your fingers in it. Cows will die.
  • The best place to pitch a tent is in Costco.

    This is my kind of camping.

    This is my kind of camping.

  • If you find an alien, don’t drunk dance with him. He’ll get goo on your face.
  • Aliens are like some guys. Their brains are in their…pants.
  • Sometimes the Police Department rejects you because you’re just too awesome.

The most important lesson I learned is that aliens steal human skin, so they look exactly like humans. So look  at the person on your left, and then look at the person on your right. One of them may be an alien.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “She may be like Perry on Phineas & Ferb. There’s a hidden chute in the fireplace that leads to his base of operation, where he stores his spy gear. (It could happen.)”—Todd Pack

Sammy and Dean, Here I Come!

Instead of being a superhero, I’m considering being a hunter…like Sam and Dean in Supernatural. Maybe I could be their sidekick. And then one of them—I don’t care which one (60% Dean, 40% Sam)—would fall for me, and we could raise our own little pie-eating demon hunters.

I know not to take candy from strangers, but I would totally get in this van.

I know not to take candy from strangers, but I would totally get in this van.

Although I’m an excellent pie eater, I suspect it will take more to impress them, so I decided to brush up on my supernatural knowledge through some movies: ParaNorman and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

I didn’t learn much from ParaNorman. Since it’s a cartoon, I don’t know how reliable of a source it is.

  • You’d think after The Sixth Sense, when a kid says he sees dead people, more alive people would believe him.
  • Your snack will fall from the vending machine before the zombies get you.

With all the Twilight hype, I thought it was important to get another vampire perspective. Plus Honest Abe was President. That makes him a credible source.

  • Vampires don’t sparkle.
  • Vampires don’t like silver.
  • The South lost the Civil War because they were all vampires.
  • You can kill a vampire with your silver watch. But only if you say, “Time to die” while you stab him through the heart with the watch.

Ok, so I totally made up the “Time to die” part. You don’t have to say that, but you should.

Run for Your Life! It’s a Killer Turkey!

A few months ago, a Netflix movie perked my interest: ThanksKilling. So I added it to my queue…and waited. Waited until it was nearly Thanksgiving to watch the holiday-themed movie.

I would call this a B movie, but that seems like an insult to Evil Dead. So this is a C movie. Possibly even a D movie.

  • Turkeys can talk…and kill.
  • Killer turkeys will drink your blood like cranberry sauce.
  • Killer turkeys make bad puns. Like ax-cidently killing someone with an ax.
  • Bunnies commit suicide by throwing themselves in campfires.
  • Turkeys wear extra small gravy-flavored condoms.

Uh…yeah…. When this movie started, it was so bad that it was good. But the Killer Turkey having sex… ::shudder:: That ruined it for me.

And I was just about to turn it off when I saw this:

Don’t be fooled. This is a Killer Turkey in an excellent disguise.

Then it got even better. The college girl mistakes the Killer Turkey for her dad.

“Hi Daddy!”

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving! And beware of killer turkeys!

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “The repetition of the line ‘I know exactly where we are’ was like a car ride with Mr T. So was the need for Dramamine.”—ThyPolar’s Life