Tag Archives: Baby

Applying Lyrics From the 90s to My Life: I Saw the Sign

See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, that sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Is it possible that there are no coincidences?—Signs

I believe in signs.

I believe there’s a reason I always said, “There’s no way I’m going back to Kiefer…unless he proposes…with a ring…and has tickets to Vegas.” And then…that happened.

I believe there’s a reason Kiefer and I saw this sign in Washington, DC, on a date after he proposed.

sign

Most signs aren’t this clear.

I believe there’s a reason that a week after I said “Yes,” we finally found a new house.

I believe there’s a reason that a couple months after Kiefer’s proposal we got pregnant…and got this cutie pie:

Rainbow

I like putting her in hats that are too big for her. It makes her head look smaller, which makes my nether regions feel better.

Everyone with me now: I believe I can fly…I believe I can touch the sky….

Sorry. My writing made me channel R. Kelly. If you don’t know the song, don’t tell me. It’ll make me feel old.

Do you see signs?

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Those toilets are real time savers though. If you go in with some shampoo, you can squeeze in a quick shower.”—correctionsandclarifications


Self-Flushing Toilets: A Woman’s Worst Enemy

I recently decided not to return to work, so I can stay home with Scout. Now that’s she’s smiling sans gas, I don’t want to miss one second of her cuteness.

I’ll miss my coworkers, but one thing I will not miss is the work restroom. Specifically, the self-flushing toilets.

I don’t really understand self-flushing toilets. Are people so lazy they really can’t be bothered to flush a toilet?

Just to be clear: you just press down.

 

So an engineer decided to take out his anger at nonflushing people on all of us. The engineer said, “You know what would be funny? If the toilet flushed randomly, giving people everywhere wet bottoms.”

The toilets at my work flush without warning. And they flush with such force that water sprays up. All over the toilet seat if you’re lucky, and all over your behind if you’re unlucky.

While I was pregnant, it was even worse. I’d run to the bathroom heaving with morning sickness, and while I was leaning over the toilet, it would flush, so I’d have to jump up mid-gag to avoid a face full of toilet water.

Thank goodness I only had morning sickness the first trimester. In the third trimester, there’d have been no jumping up.

Oooooooor…maybe self-flushing toilets aren’t because of lazy people. Maybe it has something to do with germs? Some genius said, “People touch the toilet handle with dirty hands, so let’s have it flush automatically.”

If that’s the case, why doesn’t the stall door open automatically? Imagine the trouble that would cause: bathroom stall doors opening randomly midpee. It would be chaos.

But a wet tushie…that’s so much better.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Those were the days. Now, people look at you funny when you bring your 9-year-old into the comfy-chair breastfeeding room. Haters.”—Pegoleg

 

 


Donut Pants to Go With My Muffin Top

Now that Scout weighs 13 pounds, I discovered carrying Scout in one arm and holding up my maternity pants with the other would soon no longer be feasible.

With 15 pregnancy pounds still lingering, mostly in my hips and thighs, I went shopping for new clothes.

I just came home with jeans and shorts, but I’m considering going back for these doughnut pants.

Pants

Not feeling the doughnuts? There were cheeseburger pants as well.

Please tell me you’ve seen someone wearing these or something similar.


Grocery List: Condoms and M&Ms

On Sunday Scout’s Grammy watched her while Kiefer and I went on a date. Our date was from 4-7. (Yes, we were back at 6:40, and I only checked my phone twice to see if there was a call or text.)

We grabbed some frozen yogurt and drinks and appetizers—Yes, in that order—and on our way home, we stopped by CVS for baby sunblock and…supplies.

past

At the 6-week postpartum appointment, I was given the “green light” to resume…activities.

While we were in the Family Planning aisle, I said this:

Thoughtsy: I dare you to tell the cashier “It’s date night.” Better yet, because we’re buying condoms and baby sunblock, tell her, “We learned from our past mistakes.”

Then, while waiting in line, we saw Birthday Cake M&Ms and the new huge M&Ms, and I said:

giant

“Feel these M&Ms! They’re huge!”

What’s the weirdest combination of items you’ve ever bought?

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “8 hours in a row??? No wonder her adorable little face looks so peaceful. Condolences to your boobs.”—Pegoleg


Never Wake a Sleeping Baby

At night, Scout likes to sleep, but she wakes up every 3-4 hours to eat. She’s been that way since we brought her home from the hospital…until about a week and a half ago.

7:55 PM: Scout goes to bed.

8:12 PM: Scout wakes up.

8:30 PM: Scout goes to bed again.

8:36 PM: I go to bed.

11:54 PM: I wake up and wonder why Scout isn’t up.

11:58 PM: Wonder if she’s still breathing.

11: 59 PM: Scout makes a noise. I figure she’ll wake up in the next 30 minutes.

2:27 AM: Wake up and realize Scout has been asleep for 6 hours straight! Jump out of bed to see if she’s breathing…she is.
image

2:31 AM: I realize my boobs are about to explode. I contemplate waking her up, but decide to pump instead.

2:40 AM: Pump only a little because I’m sure she’ll wake any second.

3:37 AM: Nudge Kiefer “accidentally,” and say, “Oh, good! You’re awake.Go check Scout. She’s been asleep for 7 hours and it’s freaking me out.”

3:38 AM: He checks and confirms she’s fine.

4:19 AM: Calm down enough to start to drift off.

4:27 AM: Scout wakes up after 8 hours of sleep in a row.

And that’s why I always get less sleep than Scout.