Tag Archives: Avoid Psychokillers

Monday Movie Menagerie: This Post May Save Your Life

Lately, I’ve been watching a lot of movies. I’ve also been falling asleep during a lot of movies, which has made writing a Movies Teach Us post difficult.

Here are the bits and pieces of what I’ve learned from the movies I’ve watched over the past month. Feel free to add your own lessons learned.

Hansel and Gretel

  • Never walk into a house made of candy.

Don’t go in. The candy isn’t worth it.

  • If you’re going to kill a witch, set her on fire.
  • Gretel’s a biter.

Red Dawn

  • When stealing supplies, remember the bucket of soda.
  • Living Call of Duty isn’t as much fun as playing it.

The Hangover Part 3

  • You don’t have to have friends to play Word with Friends.
  • Giraffes and bridges don’t mix.

Pretty Woman

  • Your arm from your wrist to your elbow is the same size as your foot. (I checked this on myself. It’s true.)

I saved this Wrong Turn 4 for last because…well…I’m not really sure what I was thinking when I watched it. Has any movie that’s made it to #4 ever actually been good?

It did, however, provide a lesson that I’m sure all of us will use some day.

Wrong Turn 4

  • When inbred cannibals are killing and eating you and your friends, don’t lock them up. Just kill them. It is not the time to pull the “We can’t kill them. We’re not like them” holier-than-thou stance. They will escape and eat you.

How to Spot a Psychokiller

One evening the Cupcake Dangler (CD) invited me to his house. I accepted…and then I panicked.

What if his super-polite gentlemanliness was all an act…and he was secretly a psychokiller.

After Googling the percentage of psychopaths in the population (1-2%), I decided to play the odds. CD was probably safe. And his house probably did not contain a secret torture room.

Nevertheless, I decided to be on guard and look for suspicious psychokiller clues.

CD: Would you like some wine?

What I Should Have Said: No, thank you.

What I Really Said: Yes, please. 

Translation: I’m afraid you’re going to kill me, and I want to be numb to the pain.

CD: Red or White? This bottle of white is already opened, but I can open the red if you prefer?

What I Should Have Said: Red, please.

Translation: I want to be sure you didn’t roofie the opened bottle.

What I Really Said: White, please.

Translation: Roofie, shmoofie.

CD: Can I give you the tour?

What I Should Have Said: Yes. Of the living room. Only the living room.

What I Really Said: Sure!

Translation: I will stab you with the wine glass stem if you try anything.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I’m with you; that peacock looks incredibly dangerous. Its beady eye is freaking me out right now.”—Sarah9188


Let’s Make a Pact: No Psychos in the House

When I was little, I always thought it would be cool to have a house with hidden rooms and secret passages.

Now, as a semi-adult, I realize that would be an awful idea. What if I got stuck in a hidden room? No one would be able to find me. Or, even worse…what if there was a secret room that I didn’t know about, and a psychokiller lived in that room?

The Pact is a perfect example of why secret rooms are a bad idea.

Why buy a Ouija board when you can draw your own?

Why buy a Ouija board when you can draw your own?

Here’s what I learned from the movie:

  • Always pee with the door open. Even when other people are in the house.
  • If you run outside after a ghost attack, don’t get too comfortable. You have to go back inside to get the child you forgot.
  • If someone turns down ice cream, she’s definitely been attacked by a ghost.
  • When at a motel, it’s totally safe to walk outside to the vending machine in only your tanktop and undies.
  • It’s also totally safe to ride your motorcycle in the same outfit…as long as you put on a helmet.

Most importantly, I learned that just because a movie is called “The Pact” doesn’t mean there’s a pact mentioned in the movie…ever.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Norma Jean definitely loves me. She was meowing constantly at about midnight last night so I got up to see what her problem was because sometimes she talks to the ceiling. She found a bug. And she killed it. That’s true love.”—SugarDishMe


I’ve Got Rhythm, I’ve Got Music, I’ve Got Your Pancreas

I love musicals. My musical fascination began when, as a youngster, I visited my grandmother. We always watched Shirley Temple movies.

Soon I wanted to be Shirley Temple. The fact that I was a fat, straight-haired brunette who could not sing and had only 1 year of tap-dancing experience were my only obstacles. All minor.

Now I want to be Sarah Brightman. I can’t sing like her, but really, who can?

repo

Sarah Brightman is bee-u-tiful. And she can sing.

Anyways, as I got older, I found a new love: horror movies. Which is weird. Because…

  • Horror movies are the exact opposite of musicals.
  • Psychokillers never break out into song as they’re hacking someone up.
  • Victims are too busy choking on blood to sing.

I recently discovered a movie that blends the horror and musical genres: Repo! The Genetic Opera.

The movie takes place in the future when human organs start failing, and people have to buy new organs. If you can’t afford them, your organs get repossessed….and you die. Duh.

Here’s what I learned:

  • I need an eyelash transplant (see the pic above).
  • “It’s what’s on the inside that counts” takes on a whole new meaning when it’s used for organ advertising.
  • To be a bad guy in an opera, you don’t have to be able to sing.

Most importantly, don’t get cosmetic surgery. If you do, your face will fall off.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “So here’s what you do: Accept friend request(s) / Accept cupcake(s) / Enjoy Cupcake(s) / Remove “friend(s)” / Repeat (or block…whichever is more rewarding).”—SandyLand


Rebounding Leads to Death…In the Shower

After a breakup, it can be really easy to jump into another relationship (i.e., the rebound). It’s also easy to get mixed up with the wrong type of person.

To calm your fears, I want to let you know that I still have my wits about me. I’m scrutinizing every guy I run into, so I don’t get into trouble.

Let’s look at this guy I met in LA.

For starters, he appears to live in a motel.

SAM_0352

I need someone with house…someone with a stable living arrangement. Besides…this motel is right behind Whoville, and I would like at least a little bit of a yard.SAM_0353

I’m not too worried about the knife he’s carrying…what really concerns me is that I heard he still lives with his mother.

See? My thinking is 100% clear.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Only one of them is in the position to offer you a night of hot monkey love. You know what you have to do.”—Bluzdude