What GIJoe Taught Me About Breastfeeding

I’ve asked everyone about babies.

  • Was your baby late or early?
  • During labor, how many times did your wife threaten to kill you? Obviously, she didn’t kill you, but did you receive other injuries?
  • How long was your labor?
  • Is it possible for you to birth the baby for me?

A coworker had a baby…without drugs. Because her experience was just a couple months ago, she couldn’t say, “You’ll forget all about the pain,” because she was still dealing with the aftermath…stitches, bleeding…other stuff I don’t want to think about.

Coworker: My labor lasted about 5 hours. It was pretty short.

My Thoughts: This woman is a god. I must do everything exactly as she did.

And you know what she said has been the most painful part of her new baby?

Not the drug-free delivery. The breastfeeding.

Someone else may have immediately thought, “Bullshit.” But me, I want to be optimistic and believe that I’ll barely feel anything while delivering.

So I focused on the breastfeeding pain.

Coworker: Someone told me to prepare myself for breastfeeding I should slam my nipples in a door. I don’t think that’s far off.

Thoughtsy: ::horrified look::

This will be my baby: “I’m going to whip your breasts into shape.”

And suddenly, ignorance seemed so much better than preparation.

Then I went all GIJoe: Knowing is half the battle.

I know ALL about breastfeeding.

So I went to a breastfeeding class. Because according to the 50/50 GIJoe logic, attending a class meant only one of my breasts would hurt.

And you know what I found out?

Breastfeeding will only hurt this much. Just a little bit.

Sure, you’re going to be sore at first, but if breastfeeding is painful, you’re doing it wrong.

That means only one thing: I’m now worried about labor pains again.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I recommend doing a couple of shots and becoming 100% sh*t-effaced. Then you wake up in the morning going, ‘Ooh, my head… but hey, the baby’s here!'”—BluzDude

About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

29 responses to “What GIJoe Taught Me About Breastfeeding

  • mistyslaws

    Breast feeding takes some getting used to, but it’s not especially painful. Just . . . weird at first. I didn’t feel any pain. Then again, I didn’t feel any pain at delivery, either, but I was drugged beyond belief! Best labor ever.

  • Hippie Cahier

    Since I don’t see the word ‘engorged’ here, I suspect your co-worker didn’t bring that up. That’s probably for the best. Just go with me on that.

  • lauralord

    My lessons from breastfeeding:

    1. They warned me that I may have some swelling, maybe a slight fever when my milk came in. I woke up at 2 am with boulders on my chest and had soaked through an entire t-shirt. They hurt to even have someone look at them.

    2. Your child may use you as a human pacifier.

    3. I didn’t discover until after my second failed attempt (I made it about 3 months before the pain was so bad I had to stop) that it is possible to be allergic to nursing pads. I now know I have to use the kind you wash and not the disposable ones.

    But most importantly

    This is something that you will love because no one else can do it. It makes the perfect excuse to go hide in your room, alone with baby, and no one will bother you. When everyone is crowding around wanting their time with baby, you know you’ll have those times that are for just you and baby. And it makes a good excuse to not go places you don’t want to go…”No, I’d have to feed baby in public and I don’t like to do that. You can do the Justin Bieber concert on your own this time…”

  • The Cutter

    I went to a breastfeeding class with my wife. The damn video they showed almost made me gay, because it just about ruined breasts for me. And I figured that if breasts weren’t in the equation, then what was the damn point of being straight?

    Fortunately, I got over it.

  • cooper

    According to the Mrs: not breastfeeding is what gets painful – as was said above “engorged” is the issue here. She never threatened to kill me during labor, however I still have fingernail scars in the back of my hand some 30 years later….

  • Linda Medrano

    I breast fed both of my kids and lived through it. My boobs are still perfect even in old age. It will be fine. Don’t worry about labor and delivery and don’t listen to other people too much. Each one is different. It will be the most exciting experience of your life.

  • bluzdude

    Sorry, I don’t have any puns for breast feeding… I’ll just have to work at-it. Wait… what was that?

  • Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd

    I didn’t threaten to kill Tom but I DID bite him. He shouldn’t have had his arm right near my mouth when a contraction started.

  • Carmen

    An hour and a half and no drugs for this lady. Pretty sure I’m superwoman. I also breast fed. But you already knew that. Because I’m superwoman

  • napperscompanion

    Fan-friggin-tastic post. My first grandchild, born November 30th, does calisthenics while nursing. My daughter told him this morning that he’s going to be “evicted” if he keeps that up. Best and good luck, John

  • susielindau

    You should listen to an iPod from now until you deliver. And by the way, drugs are the way to go!! This advice is from your Boulder granola friend.

  • pegoleg

    Don’t worry. Breastfeeding is a wonderful, natural part of life. Too bad you don’t have the option to have an epidural to manage the pain of the first few days, like you do with that other wonderful, natural part of life….pushing a watermelon out of your hooha.

  • insanitybytes22

    That was adorable! Thanks for writing it. Breast feeding is not the worst thing in the world. Doing it wrong might be, LOL, but all will be well.

  • Deborah the Closet Monster

    I’m so glad you took the class! I read that they were offering breastfeeding classes in the months before I had Li’l D, and I waved them off: “Pchah, who needs a class for that?!” Weeks of crying later, I wanted to throw some water in old me’s face. (That’s the tamed down version of what I really wanted to do.)

    But. BUT. I hate saying things like this because so many people say dread-inspiring things, and I do not want to be part of that contingency. It’s all doable, and worth it.

  • The Imperfect Kitchen

    I struggled with labour and breastfeeding (breastfeeding classes are worth their collective mum weight in gold), but it was peeing straight onto the stitches ‘down there’ after the baby that left me sobbing in howling pain for weeks thinking, “WHY DIDN”T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS BIT?!!”.

    I recommend lots of water-filled condoms from the freezer, guzzling Ural by the pint, and Dettol soaked panty-liners from the freezer.

    And then you’ll lose 5 hours by gazing at the amazingness of your child and all the pain and tears would have been worth it… And then, in a few years, you’ll naively think, “Huh, I could totally do that again.”

  • biancap01

    Such an interesting thing that I popped by your blog today. My teacher was actually talking earlier today about how the largest pains of delivery and labour may actually be culturally determined. What do you think of that?

  • I’m Not Hungry…I’m Starving! | Thoughts Appear

    […] sure what I thought about breastfeeding, especially after someone told me it felt like your nipple was being slammed in a door, but breastfeeding is great for other reasons (besides nutritional […]

  • swo8

    I breast fed all four of my children. There was some discomfort at the start with the first child. It was piece of cake from then on. It is a good bonding experience. It is cheap, convenient and precisely what your child needs if you can manage it.

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