Kiefer is crunchy. I am not, so while he sleeps, I pump him full of high fructose corn syrup to curb his West Coast crunchy ways.
Sometimes I forget, and we run into problems.
Kiefer suggested we find a birthing class. (This isn’t the crunchy part.)
When I looked up local instructors, I ran across an instructor’s website and saw a picture of her wearing only a bikini top sitting in her bathtub spread eagle and holding her baby…with the umbilical cord still attached…at both ends.
::shudder::
That shudder…that was when I lost my innocence.
I immediately made a note to up dosage on Kiefer’s night-time high fructose corn syrup IV.
Thoughtsy: ::calling Kiefer:: Are you trying to kill me?
Kiefer: Hello?
Thoughtsy: I just sent you an email with a link…with a naked lady and a baby…with the cord still attached to both of them. I veto that instructor.
Kiefer: So there’s a cord. It’s a very natural thing.
This is how our baby will be arriving. Notice the fully clothed stork and the lack of umbilical cord.
Thoughtsy: Showing the Internet my coochie snorcher with a cord coming out is not natural for me.
Kiefer: Jesus! Why did you send me that picture? I shouldn’t have opened that at work.
Thoughtsy: Why? It’s nat-u-ral, remember? No one will mistake it for porn….There’s an umbilical cord in the picture. Did I mention it was still attached…between her legs?
Kiefer: You’re supposed to focus on the cute little baby.
Thoughtsy: How can I do that when there’s a CORD DOWN THERE? While we’re discussing this, just to be clear, no pictures from down below during the delivery process.
Kiefer: But I just bought a new camera.
Thoughtsy: And you may use it from your position…at my head.
Kiefer: Ooooooor…I could mount it to the doctor’s chest.
So I guess what I’m asking for is one of you to steal Kiefer’s camera in February and then return it once the baby is born.
Just to be clear: I am not dissing the new mother in the pic. She’s awesome for giving birth drug-free…and for being comfy enough with her body to post her mostly naked self on the Internet. It’s just not for someone like me who hopes to go to sleep one night and just wake up in the morning with a newborn whose been dropped off by the stork.
Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I tried pulling that trick on KAW when she was knocked up, but she didn’t buy it.”—Chase McFadden
January 15th, 2014 at 9:38 am
amazing what creation does, provides lines of support for everyone out there, like mother nature herself, great reminder, i though i fell from a star the day i was born, amen
January 15th, 2014 at 9:53 am
The nurses will set up a mirror for you. Maybe you’ll get lucky and it will reflect so much light, your hooha will resemble a blinding portal. My son Kelly looks like he came straight from heaven even though I went through he’ll to give birth to him.
January 15th, 2014 at 9:55 am
I’m one step ahead of you. The hospital tour told us they have a mirror if we want it.
Our birth plan vetoes the mirror. That’s pretty much the only thing on our birth plan.
January 15th, 2014 at 11:37 am
Every time I see the words “birth plan” I laugh. I remember working diligently on mine…so two minutes into my screaming it could go sailing out of the memory of me and everyone in the room who was supposed to be controlling the situation. I looked back and was like, “Well shit, none of that happened…”
January 21st, 2014 at 7:52 am
As long as there’s no mirror, I consider the birth plan a success.
January 21st, 2014 at 8:08 am
You can totally kick that thing…of course breaking a mirror is seven years bad luck. But hey, I’d totally bust that thing if they put it anywhere near me.
January 15th, 2014 at 10:02 am
Do you know how hard it is to write something supportive without making you feel like there’s something bad about your coochie snorcher which I’ve never seen and is the only one of its kind that I know with a noun and a verb in its name?
January 15th, 2014 at 10:22 am
Did you see the Mad Men episode where Betty gives birth to Baby Gene? And they put her into a “twilight sleep” for the entire process while she looks lovely? That is my hypothetical birth plan — just wake me when its over and there’s a cute baby for me to cuddle. Until then, let’s just not mention what’s actually happening.
January 21st, 2014 at 7:53 am
I would love that birth! I just found out they only do that in emergencies. I’m still keeping my fingers crossed for that though.
January 21st, 2014 at 8:07 am
WAIT. It can actually be done? This changes everything! You know I’m not above faking an emergency to serve my own purposes.
And this is why the universe will never let me have a baby.
January 15th, 2014 at 10:44 am
AHH NO NO NO I would have been mortified at that photo!! Those things are PRIVATE!
January 21st, 2014 at 7:53 am
Exactly! They’re called “private parts” for a reason.
January 15th, 2014 at 12:59 pm
So is “crunchy” your version of my “hippy dippy”? Because let me tell you this whole trying to have a baby thing has filled me to my gills with hippy-dippiness. Oy.
But my Boy is also very thin, so filling him full of corn syrup would address that type of crunchy as well. You can see my confusion.
January 21st, 2014 at 7:56 am
I haven’t heard “hippy dippy” before. But if it means the same as “granola,” only buying organic, and rubbing tea tree oil on any ailment. it means the same thing.
Are you planning on a baby? Ooooo…so exciting! What will the kitties think?
January 15th, 2014 at 1:05 pm
I need to locate a dictionary that includes the verb: to snorch. I feel like I’m missing something here…
January 15th, 2014 at 1:43 pm
No photos of the whole process untill you feel good enough to just be proud of what you have done – built a baby from scratch!
January 15th, 2014 at 2:09 pm
Oh yes, there were no mirrors or cameras allowed down there. If god intended us to see ourselves from that angle while giving birth, our heads would be down there and not up top!
January 15th, 2014 at 4:16 pm
“coochie snorcher” I nearly sprayed my poor puppy with soda when I read that. 😛
January 15th, 2014 at 6:08 pm
Nothing to see here, folks, move along.
January 15th, 2014 at 9:26 pm
Oh my GAW …a cord…still attached?…I just can’t. More power to her and all that believe that is what a “normal” woman views as “normal”. I asked my OB if I could hire a nurse to shoot me up in the parking lot when I arrived to have my baby. She was a all nat-u-ral kind of woman so she didn’t find it as funny as I hoped. Nor did she realize I was serious. Buy me a ticket out of cold, dreary NY and I will stalk Kiefer until the camera is mine. I will protect your “coochie snorcher” girlfriend.
January 21st, 2014 at 7:58 am
That’s awesome! Were you in my childbrith class this weekend? The teacher asked, “Who wants their epidural in the parking lot?”
January 21st, 2014 at 12:26 pm
Ha! No I wasn’t but the instructor sounds like my kind of chick!
January 16th, 2014 at 9:45 am
I’m with you – no amount of cute babies would be able to distract me from the fact that there is a freakin’ cord coming out of her “coochie snorcher,” which is now my new favorite catch phrase. I think you may have terrified me out of my baby fever temporarily. My husband thanks you.
January 21st, 2014 at 7:58 am
And you didn’t even see the picture.
January 20th, 2014 at 3:01 am
Yikes! You have that baby however you want to have it– you just get it out and love on it and no thanks to all the weird mommy guilt and condemnation that surrounds these discussions. Your coochie snorcher is your own business 😉
January 20th, 2014 at 10:45 am
It’s all fun and games until HE has to look at the photo!
January 20th, 2014 at 1:58 pm
“coochie snorcher?” coochie snorcher??????? I absolutely love you, Thoughtsy. Totes.
January 21st, 2014 at 7:59 am
I wish I could take credit for that name, but I can’t. It came from Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monologues. It cracks me up though.
January 27th, 2014 at 4:43 pm
There were no mirrors over here, either. And, Tom helped hold my leg, staying safely above the waistline.