A Plea: Steal All of Our Cameras

Kiefer is crunchy. I am not, so while he sleeps, I pump him full of high fructose corn syrup to curb his West Coast crunchy ways.

Sometimes I forget, and we run into problems.

Kiefer suggested we find a birthing class. (This isn’t the crunchy part.)

When I looked up local instructors, I ran across an instructor’s website and saw a picture of her wearing only a bikini top sitting in her bathtub spread eagle and holding her baby…with the umbilical cord still attached…at both ends.


That shudder…that was when I lost my innocence.

I immediately made a note to up dosage on Kiefer’s night-time high fructose corn syrup IV.

Thoughtsy: ::calling Kiefer:: Are you trying to kill me?

Kiefer: Hello?

Thoughtsy: I just sent you an email with a link…with a naked lady and a baby…with the cord still attached to both of them. I veto that instructor.

Kiefer: So there’s a cord. It’s a very natural thing.

This is how our baby will be arriving. Notice the fully clothed stork and the lack of umbilical cord.

Thoughtsy: Showing the Internet my coochie snorcher with a cord coming out is not natural for me.

Kiefer: Jesus! Why did you send me that picture? I shouldn’t have opened that at work.

Thoughtsy: Why? It’s nat-u-ral, remember? No one will mistake it for porn….There’s an umbilical cord in the picture. Did I mention it was still attached…between her legs?

Kiefer: You’re supposed to focus on the cute little baby.

Thoughtsy: How can I do that when there’s a CORD DOWN THERE? While we’re discussing this, just to be clear, no pictures from down below during the delivery process.

Kiefer: But I just bought a new camera.

Thoughtsy: And you may use it from your position…at my head.

Kiefer: Ooooooor…I could mount it to the doctor’s chest.

So I guess what I’m asking for is one of you to steal Kiefer’s camera in February and then return it once the baby is born.

Just to be clear: I am not dissing the new mother in the pic. She’s awesome for giving birth drug-free…and for being comfy enough with her body to post her mostly naked self on the Internet. It’s just not for someone like me who hopes to go to sleep one night and just wake up in the morning with a newborn whose been dropped off by the stork.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I tried pulling that trick on KAW when she was knocked up, but she didn’t buy it.”—Chase McFadden

About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

29 responses to “A Plea: Steal All of Our Cameras

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