How To Turn Your Dog Into a Zombie Killer

Since I’ve been pregnant, Ozzy Pups has gotten…well…protective.

My sweet pups who wanted to greet everyone is now my personal bodyguard.

• Long gone are the walks where he tried to play with everyone; now he pulls me away from most males on our walks.
• Long gone are his rapid tail wags when anyone comes to the door; now he barks if I’m home alone.
• Long gone is my growl-free pups. If I’m home by myself when you visit, prepare to be stared down and even growled at once or twice until Kiefer comes home. Unless you bring children. Ozzy loves children. But don’t worry, once Kiefer comes home, Ozzy Pups will cover you in apology kisses.

Any suggestions on dealing with a pregnancy-protective dog would be much appreciated.

We’ve tried to channel Ozzy’s protectiveness. Specifically, we’re training him to only protect us against zombies.

Here’s how you can do that.

Step 1: Start small. Start with a zombie part.

I suggest this zombie foot.*

Kiefer will lead you to believe that long cylinder-shaped neon green toy is NOT a dog toy. I assure you, it is.

Step 2: Work your way up to an entire zombie.

I suggest Undead Fred.** Say things like, “Where’s your zombie?” so the dog learns the terminology.

We’re just chilling…watching some TV.

See how Ozzy befriends Undead Fred and lures him into a false sense of security. Ozzy can now infiltrate the zombie ranks.

Step 3: Show your dog an episode of Walking Dead.

This shows your dog the true nature of zombies and what we do to them. Then say, “Where’s your zombie? GET IT! GET YOUR ZOMBIE!”

My name is Ozzy Pups. You are a baby-eating zombie. Prepare to die.

Step 4: Undead Fred is now…dead.

Zombie eliminated.

Ozzy choose to eat Undead Fred’s mouth—the most dangerous part—and then rip out the stuffing brains, so other zombies will assume it was a case of zombie cannibalism.

*The zombie foot and Undead Fred came from ThinkGeek.

**Undead Fred’s name has been changed in case zombies press charges.

Favorite Comment From Last Post:

Doctor: We made a mistake.
Me: Oh s#^t there’s two in there, isn’t there? (In my defense, I was huge)
Doctor: Nope. But it’s not a boy.
Me: Crap. Everything’s blue and there are way too many baseballs.—LauraLord