The Manhattan Project Gave Us Pop-Tarts

The other day I was researching the effects Pop-Tarts might have on my unborn child. I was hoping to find things like:

  • For blue eyes, eat blueberry Pop-Tarts.
  • For brown eyes, eat smore Pop-Tarts.
  • For a baby girl, eat cherry Pop-Tarts.
  • For freckles, eat sprinkled Pop-Tarts.
  • To cure morning sickness, eat Pop-Tarts at every meal.

Apparently, no research has been done on any of that. Obviously, our economy is still going downhill if important Pop-Tart experiments aren’t being performed.

What I did stumble across was this. A Pop-Tart-hater site.

If this is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

 This site claims the following:

  • The frosting is made from either the blood of a virgin or the saliva of the three-headed canine guardian of Hell’s gate, Cerberus.
  • The main ingredient is evil.
  • They are usually sold in pairs inside packages made of human flesh.
  •  If left out after heating, Pop-Tarts take on a very dense and hardened form, making them very convenient for use as crude bladed weapons, or as throwing stars.

Most importantly, frosted Pop-Tarts are not suitable for vegetarians, as they contain gelatin.

Lies! Lies, I tell you! All of this is mere propaganda probably spread by the folks at Toaster Strudel.

I’m onto you, you Strudel-de-doos. I’m onto you….

Haters gonna hate.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Wait a minute. No sober person has ever eaten a pickled egg…except now, you, pregnant, eat pickled eggs. Soooooo…pickled eggs where drunk people and pregnant people intersect, but they aren’t allowed to be the same people. I made a really cool Venn Diagram to illustrate this, but I can’t save it.”—Omawarisan

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About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

21 responses to “The Manhattan Project Gave Us Pop-Tarts

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