How To Take a Pregnancy Test Without Peeing on Yourself

No one tells you what a pain it is to take a pregnancy test. You think, “All I have to do is pee on a stick. How hard can that be?”

You may not have to study for this test, but this will be the hardest test you’ll ever have to take.

The directions in the pregnancy test box are incomplete. Here’s a full set.

  1. Buy a test on your lunch break.
  2. Plan to take the test in 2 days in case you’re just late.
  3. Decide to take the test immediately instead because you have no patience whatsoever.
  4. Read that you have to pee on the stick for 5 seconds.
  5. Wonder how long you usually pee for.
  6. Decide to not use the restroom for 3 hours to save up.
  7. Try not to do the pee-pee dance on the way to the restroom.
  8. Pee on the stick.

    Do NOT—under any circumstances—put the pee stick by fruit or anything else edible.

  9. Freak out because the pee ricochets off the stick and splashes everywhere. (I totally lied in the post title. Not peeing everywhere is impossible.)
  10. Realize there is no TP in the dispenser.
  11. Realize there is TP in the dispenser, but you have to contort your hand into an unnatural position to get it.
  12. Contort your hand.
  13. Recontort your hand.
  14. Recontort your hand again.

By the time you actually get some TP, the test results will be visible.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “You’re allowed to hit people when you’re pregnant, as long as they are strangers. Go on, tell them I sent you.”—Omawarisan


About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

24 responses to “How To Take a Pregnancy Test Without Peeing on Yourself

  • Daile

    Do not under any circumstances, pee on your hand. This will not give you a satisfactory reading. And you will feel gross for days after…

  • mandasiefert39

    When I was able to have kids, I always peed in a small wax cup or whatever I had…. Then after finishing pp n wiping,. Then put the stick
    in it ( the pee in cup) for 5 sec….. Then wait for results, while washing your hands…

  • mistyslaws

    Your site is becoming a regular how to blog.

    It is possible to not pee on your hand. It just takes a lot of practice to angle that stick correctly so that the pee ricochets away from you. By your 5th or 6th kid you’ll get it.

  • She's a Maineiac

    I became quite the expert after taking about 10,000 pregnancy tests. The problem I then had was getting an accurate photo of the test when it was positive so I could show my friends and they wouldn’t think I hallucinated the two pink lines.

  • susielindau

    I used the very first home pregnancy kits. I kept the two of them since I tested positive. One of them is the stick that has become the standard. The other is a little square tester with paper embedded in the middle. How in the heck did I get the pee in into it? I vaguely remember a cup and a dropper. My kids are 21 and 23 so it’s a pretty sketchy memory.
    I know what you are thinking. “You saved your pregnancy tests?”

  • Brittany

    I pee on my legs when I go in the woods. I wish I could just be without pants and it would be easier to pee like a guy.

  • Jacqueline

    haha, love this! I have peed all over the bathroom at work trying for the stick. I eventually gave up and started peeing in cups!

  • Nagzilla

    Can I say how much I love the picture. It looks like something that should be reproduced in oils. “Still Life with Pee Stick”

  • franhunne4u

    Peeing in a papercup, like you do at your gynaecologist – oh, I forgot, your hormones have you firmly in their grip …Otherwise you would have planned the thing during the hours you did not go to the loo.

  • UndercoverL

    The very best part? You’ll be scrapbookin’ that pee-stick and showing it off to people who are very apprehensive about and disgusted by staring at your crystalized pee on a smelly old pregnancy test. Your child will love it when you whip it out to show people.

  • Kara E

    I peed in a red Solo cup and dipped the stick in it. I didn’t pee on myself, but then again, I had to deal with a cup full of warm urine. Don’t think this, kids! It ain’t your Momma’s apple juice! (But it is?)

  • bluzdude

    Thoughtsy, you totally handed me my post for the day, on a silver platter. And if you check the end of said post, you may see the solution to your problem, should it arise again.

  • Laura

    You took a pregnancy test at work? I’d be afraid that all my coworkers would find out the results instantly if I did that. Like, maybe I’d drop the test stick on the floor at exactly the same moment someone else was checking to see if the stall is occupied, so she’d see both the test results and my feet at the same time, and she’d know who I was from my shoes. And then she’d congratulate me on being pregnant, and I’d say thanks, but please don’t tell anyone for now, but it would be too late because she’d be on some big conference call on her cell phone, which she forgot to mute before she went into the bathroom.

  • Choc Chip Uru

    Thanks for the tip I will need this! Not right now though or for a while 😛


  • Long Life Cats and Dogs

    Well, thoroughly useful information as always 🙂 And there I was, thinking I’d learnt everything about the potty during potty training

  • Amy

    Will you write a post about how to pee in the woods without having to get completely undressed first?

  • Victoria-writes

    I’m so clumsy, I would pee all over myself!

  • bevchen

    I find it difficult to pee in a cup. I’d never even considered how to peeon a pregnancy test without making a mess. Clearly I am not cut out for motherhood.

  • Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd

    This is why I did the ol’ pee in a cup alternative. I have a tiny bladder and have to pee all the time so five seconds straight of peeing AND hitting a mark just isn’t in the cards for me.

  • pegoleg

    I’ve been unplugged and missed the news – Congrats on the precious baby, Thoughtsy. Hope you’re feeling fine now. Yeah, yeah, whoop, whoop!!!

  • 1pointperspective

    Finally, a viable reason to have some degree of control over where my pee goes, and yet no reason whatsoever because as a man, I cannot become pregnant. Guess I’ll stick with writing my name in the snow.

  • Unapologetically Mundane

    This has to explain why the toilets at my last job were always covered in urine. The women in the office next door were all pregnant, all the time. Here’s to hoping you can get Bluz’s Shewee before the next kid pops out.

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