Haaaaaave you met Lisa? Lisa is a humor blogger who plays an unconvincing lawyer in real life. She shouldn’t be allowed around sharp objects, anything breakable, or anything with carbohydrates. She prefers dogs over most people, and food over most everything. Her blog will make you feel better about your own life and remind you that vodka is the answer to everything. Except if the question is “What should I throw on this fire?” Then the answer is definitely NOT vodka.
I’m a fan of the 80s. Who isn’t, really? But I like to think I’m a super fan. I also like to think I’m a size 6, but my pants say otherwise.
Whatever. I’m right about the 80s thing.
In addition to my love of Milli-Vanilli and Vanilla Ice (and vanilla ice cream), I also love 80s movies. From a 24-year old Matthew Broderick portraying a high schooler who manages to do an entire week of tourist attractions in 90 minutes, to John Cusack showing us the only real way to show you love someone is to play a boom box loudly at night while sporting a trench coat; 80s movies had a special flare.
It may have been cocaine. Actually, I’m pretty sure it was cocaine.
In honor of this beloved decade, I recently threw my hair in a scrunchie, put down my Rubix Cube, and watched a classic movie from the 80s: The Breakfast Club.
Here’s what I learned from it (aside from the fact I do not look good in hair scrunchies):
1. Pimento does not stick to statues.
This is important information for so many reasons. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wondered if the components of my sandwich would stick to the side of George Washington’s cement face.
I’m happy to report, based upon this film, that lunch meat doesn’t have staying power on a statue. (It also doesn’t have staying power on my stomach.)
2. Pixie Sticks are a great condiment for sandwiches.
I always thought pixie sticks were just paper wrappers filled with colored sugar sold in small sticks for the sole purpose of hyping up kids to annoy parents. Who knew they were also great for sprinkling on sandwiches with a side of Cap’n Crunch?
I will remember this new condiment rule the next time I’m subjected to my mother-in-law’s cooking. Maybe the sugar rush will also help me get through another session of looking at her photo albums.
Probably not. Vodka is needed for that.
3. Dandruff can be incorporated into art.
I’m not much of an artist, as I like to think my art is the written word. (I know it isn’t, but let me have this.)
However, should I ever find myself in a situation where I need to depict a log cabin on a snowy evening, I will lay off the Head and Shoulders Shampoo for a few days and use my dry scalp to make the artistic piece complete.
It really gives a new meaning to “putting a piece of yourself into the artwork.”
4. Flare guns and lockers do not mix.
The combination of these two will get you detention every time, especially if you bring one to school in order to kill yourself, but then leave it in your locker.
Additional tip: If you plan on killing yourself, you may want to be in the vicinity of the weapon when it’s actually discharged.
Anthony Michael Hall is clearly all looks and no brains.
5. Claire may be a family name, but it’s also a fat girl’s name.
It’s also the name of a great place to get inexpensive earrings and jelly bracelets, which are totally making a comeback.
The 80s really do live on.
6. Show Dick some respect.
Seriously. You should.
7. Anyone can be pretty when enough make-up is applied.
Actually, Kim Kardashian taught us that too.
8. No one believes you have a girlfriend in Canada.
Just ask Manti Te’o. We should all take a lesson from that guy. That shit will come out.
And no one believes you have a girlfriend anywhere, Anthony Michael Hall.
Take the Dead Zone gig with USA Network and call it a day.
9. If everyone gets up, it WILL be anarchy.
If just Andrew gets up, it will lead to the violation of a fire code.
10. Movies from the 80s were often illogical and featured the same handful of actors.
Yet they are still some of the best movies around. Now who wants to watch Sixteen Candles with me?
This article is copyright protected by federal law by Lisa Newlin of http://lisanewlin.com©. Please don’t steal it, as it’s really the only thing she’s got going for her.