One evening the Cupcake Dangler (CD) invited me to his house. I accepted…and then I panicked.
What if his super-polite gentlemanliness was all an act…and he was secretly a psychokiller.
After Googling the percentage of psychopaths in the population (1-2%), I decided to play the odds. CD was probably safe. And his house probably did not contain a secret torture room.
Nevertheless, I decided to be on guard and look for suspicious psychokiller clues.
CD: Would you like some wine?
What I Should Have Said: No, thank you.
What I Really Said: Yes, please.
Translation: I’m afraid you’re going to kill me, and I want to be numb to the pain.
CD: Red or White? This bottle of white is already opened, but I can open the red if you prefer?
What I Should Have Said: Red, please.
Translation: I want to be sure you didn’t roofie the opened bottle.
What I Really Said: White, please.
Translation: Roofie, shmoofie.
CD: Can I give you the tour?
What I Should Have Said: Yes. Of the living room. Only the living room.
What I Really Said: Sure!
Translation: I will stab you with the wine glass stem if you try anything.
Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I’m with you; that peacock looks incredibly dangerous. Its beady eye is freaking me out right now.”—Sarah9188
Thoughts Appear 
May 6th, 2013 at 9:36 am
I hope he didn’t offer to show you his cupcake etchings in the basement. Though I guess if he did, you wouldn’t be writing this. Unless he’s forcing you to post while you’re tied up in the basement. Oh no! Look, if you’re blogging under duress, write a post about how you hate Pop-tarts, and we’ll know, and we’ll come find you!
May 7th, 2013 at 7:50 am
I love Pop-Tarts! That’s a good code phrase for danger.
May 6th, 2013 at 9:54 am
I think “Roofie Schmoofie” is the name of Charlie Sheen’s new biography.
May 10th, 2013 at 6:48 pm
Winner
May 6th, 2013 at 11:49 am
What would happen if we roofied our cats? I once worked with a guy that said his cat was tripping with him on LSD..I felt bad for the cat.
May 6th, 2013 at 11:57 am
I’m so glad I knew my husband for such a long time before we started dating because if he had been a psycho killer, I would have known by then and would have done away with him via wine glass shards years ago. He’s actually a harmless guy with a katana and a weird sense of humor, so we’re good.
P.S. You just made my day by choosing my comment about scary peacocks as your favorite. 😀 😀
May 6th, 2013 at 12:06 pm
I once went on a date with a guy that
I’m sure had his mother in his freezer
at home.
He spoke to me with his head tilted to the left and didn’t move his lips when he spoke.
During the date I texted my BFF “I know that he wants to wear my boobs for a hat, I do not want to be material for nipple beanies!”
I toughed out the comedy show and made a quick getaway.
Thankfully he didn’t know where I live.
Dating sucks.
May 6th, 2013 at 1:14 pm
I think the number of psycho killers that dangle cupcakes is even less. You should be OK here.
May 6th, 2013 at 1:43 pm
LOL! I am so damn glad I’m not the only one who prepares for the worse mentally. Reminds me of the time I got in that fellows car… slightly.
May 6th, 2013 at 2:56 pm
Be brave…be bold…go conquer! (Ps, go girl, work those lashes!)
May 6th, 2013 at 3:16 pm
And you lived to tell the tale! Awesome!
May 6th, 2013 at 3:35 pm
Well, I for one am very glad he didn’t turn out to be a psycho killer. I mean, what on earth would have I done with all these Red Velvet Pop Tarts?
May 7th, 2013 at 7:51 am
You have more Red Velvet Pop-Tarts?
May 6th, 2013 at 5:33 pm
I’d always go for white over red too. Oh dear…
May 6th, 2013 at 5:37 pm
I’m just happy you’re not a part of the lady suit he isn’t making.
May 6th, 2013 at 9:38 pm
I’m guessing it turned out ok? Or maybe CD has taken over your blog and is now posing as you ala Margo from Sweet Valley High. . .
May 7th, 2013 at 3:29 am
Well at least we know you’re safe now. Unless of course he’s forcing you to write this from his secret evil dungeon.
May 7th, 2013 at 8:56 am
Thanks for these handy hints. I always suspected red wine was somehow connected with psycho-killers, and that’s why I prefer white.
May 7th, 2013 at 9:43 am
I think it’s because the red looks like blood. ::shudder::
May 7th, 2013 at 10:25 am
Trollop.
ha ha ha ha
I’m sorry. I had to. CD sounds lovely. I’ll take the red if no one’s drinking it.
May 8th, 2013 at 4:03 am
found this funny somewhat, so im gona laugh first
hahahahahahhahahahhahhahahhahah!
you gotta be kidding me!
“i dont take wine, but water is fine,” that would have probably been my answer (at least he can’t poison water without me seeing it)
but its funny though…
May 8th, 2013 at 2:53 pm
How did I miss this post!?