The Cupcake Dangler brought me a housewarming gift: a plant.
Thoughtsy: Uh-oh…. I mean, Thank you so much!
Cupcake Dangler: Don’t worry. It’s pretty low maintenance, so you can’t kill it.
What the Cupcake Dangler didn’t know was that I can kill anything (
BWAHAHAHA!), and he just unknowingly delivered the plant into the hands of death.
It’s a simple equation, but they don’t teach it in math class:
Thoughtsy + Plant = Dead Plant
Thoughtsy > Any Plant’s Will to Live
From the minute that plant entered my apartment, its days were numbered.
The first time I killed a plant, I was home from college. My parents went on vacation for a week and said, “Don’t forget to water the plants.”
You know what happened? I forgot to water the plants.*
The day before my parents returned, I ran around with the garden hose spraying water like a
madwoman firefighter on anything that looked brown green.
Ever since, I’ve never owned a plant.
Anyways…back to my recent victim. I take 90% of the blame, but the other 10% is Esme’s fault. Initially, I put the plant on my kitchen island. Then Esme started to eat it, so I had to move it to the top of a bookcase…
…right by a vent spewing out hot air…
…in a dark corner of my apartment…
…where I completely forgot about it.
Not long after…the plant was gone.
*I wasn’t totally irresponsible. Although I forgot about the plants, I did take care of everything else: dishes, laundry, brother, cat…disposed of empty liquor bottles.
Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Cleaning up shit is man’s work. If he wants to wear heels while doing so, so be it… but really….”—29 Candles