An Accomplice to Plantslaughter

The Cupcake Dangler brought me a housewarming gift: a plant.

Thoughtsy: Uh-oh…. I mean, Thank you so much!

Cupcake Dangler: Don’t worry. It’s pretty low maintenance, so you can’t kill it.

What the Cupcake Dangler didn’t know was that I can kill anything (BWAHAHAHA!), and he just unknowingly delivered the plant into the hands of death.

It’s a simple equation, but they don’t teach it in math class:

Thoughtsy + Plant = Dead Plant

OR

Thoughtsy > Any Plant’s Will to Live

From the minute that plant entered my apartment, its days were numbered.

Oopsy daisy....

Oopsy daisy….

The first time I killed a plant, I was home from college. My parents went on vacation for a week and said, “Don’t forget to water the plants.”

You know what happened? I forgot to water the plants.*

The day before my parents returned, I ran around with the garden hose spraying water like a madwoman firefighter on anything that looked brown green.

Ever since, I’ve never owned a plant.

Anyways…back to my recent victim. I take 90% of the blame, but the other 10% is Esme’s fault. Initially, I put the plant on my kitchen island. Then Esme started to eat it, so I had to move it to the top of a bookcase…

…right by a vent spewing out hot air…

…in a dark corner of my apartment…

…where I completely forgot about it.

Not long after…the plant was gone.

*I wasn’t totally irresponsible. Although I forgot about the plants, I did take care of everything else: dishes, laundry, brother, cat…disposed of empty liquor bottles.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Cleaning up shit is man’s work. If he wants to wear heels while doing so, so be it… but really….”—29 Candles

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About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

23 responses to “An Accomplice to Plantslaughter

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