Saturday night I went out with some girl friends. Because it wasn’t actually St. Patrick’s Day, I thought it would be safe. I was so wrong.
Drunk Guy: ::Says something I don’t understand::
Me: What?
Drunk Guy: I just wish I knew if it was my baby.
Me: Whoa…. Who’s pregnant?
Drunk Guy: I just don’t know if it’s my baby. And they can’t raise a baby. But you…you’re smart. I can tell. We’re going to name our baby “Evan.”
Me: I’m pregnant?
Drunk Guy: Are you?
Me: I’m very unpregnant.
Drunk Guy: Freaking nihilists…. ::babbles something about nihilists::
Me: What?
Drunk Guy: They can’t raise a baby. But we could. I mean, you could because you’re so intelligent. Intelligenter than everyone here.
Me: Did you just say “intelligenter?”
Drunk Guy: We’ll raise the baby together. I’m going to kidnap you now.
Me: WHAT?
Drunk Guy: I’m going to do it. ::puts down his drink and gestures that he’s going to throw me over his shoulder::
Me: Um…no. Uh…you should finish your beer first.
Drunk Guy: I’m going to kiss you now.
Me: HOLY CRAP! IS THAT A LEPRECHAUN OVER THERE?
And that, my friends, is how you escape crazy drunk people on St. Patrick’s Day weekend.
It wasn’t entirely a fool-proof plan because he did manage to pinch my butt as I was walking away. But at least I managed to escape kidnapping.
Favorite Comment From Last Post: “My fervent hope is that somewhere in the mass of pub-crawling St. Patricks Day asshats* that are going to be totally boning my commute tomorrow, a leprechaun like this will create pandemonium on the platform. The hundreds of drunk people will run away, and I will catch my train.”—JM Randolph
*Putting the word “asshat” in a comment is pretty much a guarantee you’ll get Favorite Comment. That word cracks me up.
March 18th, 2013 at 6:32 am
Haha, I snorted out loud at this so well played 🙂
March 18th, 2013 at 7:00 am
This is brilliant. I’m convinced the leprechaun distraction tactic could work in pretty much any situation – I’m even willing to test this theory.
Great post on this miserable Monday morning!
March 18th, 2013 at 7:35 am
JM is going to dominate your blog indefinitely. That asshat. hahaha I’m kidding. So kidding. She is amazeballs.
I’d offer up both ‘o me bum cheeks to hear someone say “intelligenter.”
March 18th, 2013 at 8:12 am
Both o’ your bum cheeks are intelligenter than that guy.
March 18th, 2013 at 7:42 am
Phew!! Quick thinking there, Thoughtsy! I wouldn’t have wanted to have to pay a ransom for you. Diapers and formula are expensive!!
But at least he was a polite kidnapper who informed you of his plans prior to doing it. I mean, there’s that, right? 😉
March 18th, 2013 at 8:11 am
It takes a very unpregnant nihilist to escape via leprechaun. Nice work.
March 18th, 2013 at 8:48 am
Asshat is one of my fave words. The title of this post alone had me laughing so hard, I spewed green beer all over my keyboard.
March 18th, 2013 at 9:20 am
Intelligenter! You never heard of that? It when we are smarterer then some of the rest.
March 18th, 2013 at 9:46 am
I went out Saturday too. My friend didn’t know it was the NYC parade when she planned her bday party in the D-Bag Central neighborhood of Manhattan. DBC boasts surprisingly good Indian food, though.
March 18th, 2013 at 11:39 am
This is why you should stick to pumpkin-y things…..Jack-o-lanterns won’t try to impregnate you and pumpkin spice stuff is yum. Asshat.
March 18th, 2013 at 11:43 am
ASSHAT.
x10
March 18th, 2013 at 11:48 am
Loved this;. You made me laugh out loud, and I think you dealt with him very well. It’s clear from this brief exchange that he is going to make an outstanding father !
March 18th, 2013 at 12:12 pm
That’s so funny.. what an asssssssshat. I bet my moist haberdashery (my favourite words) that he looked too. Doesn’t he know that leprechauns are too busy hiding gold under bushels to be concerned with the likes of us? Wish I was born 35 years later and he was my dad!
March 18th, 2013 at 3:37 pm
I think he liked you. You think?
(don’t be afraid to kick these dudes in the balls-they won’t feel it but they’ll get the hint)
March 18th, 2013 at 3:49 pm
Haha, love this!
March 18th, 2013 at 5:30 pm
Maybe the Drunk was one of your readers, who saw your list of potential boyfriend qualities, and knew you liked to be picked up and carried around. But if he was truly intelligenter, he’d realize there is a time and place.
March 18th, 2013 at 7:02 pm
Before this post, I never realized how awesome the word asshat is. It IS awesome.
Hilarious story. So glad you escaped the drunken not-so-intelligenter-kidnapper. 😉
March 18th, 2013 at 8:38 pm
I’m sure he only pinched you to make sure you were ripe.
March 18th, 2013 at 9:19 pm
Well thought out diversionary tactic. If it had not worked I believe this,uh, person would have had to worried about his luck charms. Nicely played, nicely played indeed.
March 19th, 2013 at 1:23 am
This is the intelligentest how-to-escape-a-kindapper advice I’ve ever read.
March 19th, 2013 at 1:25 am
Kidnapper, not kindapper. But I’ve made embarrasinger typos than that.
March 19th, 2013 at 5:55 am
Immaculate conception by leprechaun? The Bible kept that part quiet…
March 19th, 2013 at 11:46 am
Nihilist, intelligenter, unpregnant, Leprechaun.
Oh my, that might be the best random conversation ever.
March 19th, 2013 at 2:59 pm
I cannot believe he fell for the Leprechaun trick! Such a dope!
March 20th, 2013 at 5:45 am
Wow. If he’s that drunk all the time, I’d be willing to bet it *isn’t* his baby. Unless the other girl had a very different idea of romantic…
March 25th, 2013 at 5:14 am
hahahaha!!