10 Commandments of My Future Boyfriend

Being single (and reflecting on past relationships) helps you realize what you want in your new relationship.

I made a list. I really like lists if you haven’t noticed.

  1. Thou shall list Facebook Relationship Status as “In a Relationship With Thoughtsy.”
  2. Thou shall not ever give me unfrosted Pop-Tarts.
  3. Thou shall like chocolate. Or not like. I’m not sure. Is it better to have the chocolate all to myself or to have someone to share it with for weight management purposes?
  4. Thou shall not tell lies.
  5. Thou shall occasionally read my blog.
  6. Thou shall make me the rainbow pancakes once.
  7. Thou shall make me feel loved and wanted.
  8. Thou shall like cuddling.
  9. Thou shall not get mad when I touch your bare skin with my icy cold fingers.
  10. Thou shall carry me around occasionally.
So, yeah…I think that’s it. I’m pretty low maintenance. #4 and #7 should be givens, but even a couple of my “good guy” exboyfriends occasionally fudged those up.
 
#10 is especially important. I’m 5’7″. That means I’m the tall girl, so not many guys are tall enough to throw me over their shoulder or carry me around.
 
Carrying me around is important. Not because I’m lazy…Well, a little because I’m lazy. Mostly because I used to be heavier and now that I’m a carry-able weight, I like to be reminded that I’m light and fluffy. Maybe fluffy was the wrong word…. Look, it’s just important, ok?
 
It makes me feel light and skinny. And when I feel skinny, it’s a good day…for everyone within my 5-mile radius.
 
Am I missing any Commandments?
 
Favorite Comment From Last Post: “The fact that phone sex jobs don’t offer health insurance is exactly why we need health care reform in this country. Also, certain styles of panty make excellent eye patches.”—JM Randolph
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About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

35 responses to “10 Commandments of My Future Boyfriend

  • Todd

    No. 9, the icy cold fingers, could be a problem. As a guy, I’m just saying.

  • hiddinsight

    There’s nothing in your commandments about dogs. What if he’s a hater? Are you okay with that? But how many commandments can there be really? I guess its about priorities. And if you can get rainbow pancakes out of him…well…clearly that’s better than if he were an animal hater…?

  • mistyslaws

    Light and fluffy. Hee. Yeah, I definitely got that fluffy part down. Not so much the light part.

    Good list!!

  • Just Me With . . .

    It occurs to me that I am the complete opposite of you on most of the items on your list, except for 4 and 7, and they are the givens and possibly the only ones that really matter. The other ones are good, but if you’ve got 4 and 7, he can get around the others, or learn them, or unlearn them or whatever. I’m low maintenance, too. He has to accept my personal policy not to list a relationship status on Facebook. I’ve already told my loved ones that if I ever list a relationship status, call the police. It means that I’m in danger, it’s a kidnapping, hostage situation.

  • Heather @ Sugar Dish Me

    Oh my gosh. I totally made a list just like this before I met Chad. But it included things like “Thou shalt not be chemically dependent” and “Thou shalt not have incapacitating mental disorders”. Yeah. It was like that.
    Ummm as a tall girl (5’10”), #10 is SO important. For all the same reasons. I am with you. Also #5. –Note to significant other– Just read it sometimes, okay? It makes me feel like you’re interested in what I’m doing.
    Your list is SUPER, Thoughtsy. Stick to it.

  • Don't Quote Lily

    Great list, definitely stick with it.
    “Light and fluffy” cracked me up…fluffy. 😆

  • Go Jules Go

    Ummm…. I believe you mistakenly gave JM credit for that comment. 😉

    I am so with you on #10. Though I have trouble picturing any version of Thoughtsy that isn’t light and lovely and svelte as hell.

    • pegoleg

      Ummmm….ditto (that’s my new comment strategy. Follow around clever folks like JM and Jules and write “ditto”. Unless I feel like mixing it up, in which case I will write “what she said.”)

      • JM Randolph

        That’s what she said. On my list was: you must make me laugh and you must think I’m funny. And if you hate one of my favorite bands, don’t talk about it over and over. And over.

        PS: I used your “Time to DIE!!” line at the dinner table on Sunday when #4 asked what time it was. The kids all sat there with their mouths open. It was awesome.

  • Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd

    This is a very good list. Tom doesn’t like it when I warm my ice cold feet on him right he’s trying to get to sleep. What a diva.

  • marcus dilano

    Love this post! Sigh…. I am going to have to forward this link to my wife 🙂

    Thou shall not get mad when I touch your bare skin with my icy cold fingers.

    Thou shall like cuddling.

    Thou shall not ever give me unfrosted Pop-Tarts.

    Thou shall occasionally read my blog.

    Thou shall make me feel loved and wanted.

  • absentelemental

    #9 is awesome…cold fingers on the neck are a great headache cure

  • SandyLand

    NEVER SHARE CHOCOLATE!!!!!
    That’s crossing a major commandment. Tsk tsk.

  • marinasleeps

    I have to say I really appreciate this list. (I sound like a spammer already!)
    And as someone who has been married for a long time, I wanna say trust me!! You want the other person to like chocolate as much as you do. In my relationship, my hubs is the chocolate eater. So I get a lot of blame if his pants suddenly fit tightly. Trust me, you need the balance! And I think buying stretchy pants together is a bonding experience!
    Good luck on that last one… I’m 5’1 and my hubby is 6’6 and refuses to carry me. It only seems convenient when he wants to spin me in circles and scare me half to death.
    I hope that provided some insight.

  • Linda Medrano

    If we were gay, I’d date you. Only problem is, I couldn’t carry you. Shoot this could have been a match made in heaven if we were gay, and if I wasn’t married, and if I was taller and stronger. Oh well.

  • pegoleg

    Perfect. Except #9 needs to have an “…and icy cold toes” addendum.

  • Kimberly Choquette Pugliano

    Thou shall not have minor children. You don’t want that again. It’s too attaching and other mom-ish and when you’re in the delivery room he’s gonna be like, “I got this. I’ve done this twice. Piece of cake.”

  • thepinkrachael

    Love this list! As a fellow resident in singlesville, I am totally going to come up with my own and return! Not sure about the facebook staus for mine, definitely a no to the pop tarts but the carrying, chocolate dilemma, and cuddling are all definitely on there!

  • Our Life In 3D

    Dear Ms. Pop Tart, I would carry you around while you were eating a rainbow pancake….which I made for you…with a chocolate topping…all for you. 🙂 And my hands may be icyier than yours…or so I am told.

  • Carmen

    Yes, you missed a commandment:

    #11. Thou shall let me get shit-faced regularly on Cardboardeax. (boxed wine, obviously.)

  • Chase McFadden

    What is it with women and their poor circulation? KAW is always cold, and she just assumes my back is the perfect place to warm her frigid feet.

    Also, just a suggestion, but you might amend #8 to “Thou shall cuddle.” The good ones do it, but I don’t think many guys actually like it. Maybe it’s because of that whole cold foot/back thing.

  • Brittany

    I use my icy cold hands as a defense mechanism. I have one. Thou shall give me massages on every surface of my body. Every surface.

  • Jill Pinnella Corso

    #9 is super important. That’s how my husband hooked me on our first date. Of course, now that I’m hooked, he doesn’t like it so much anymore.

    I put on my list of requirements that my husband would speak Spanish and play the guitar, but it turns out I was willing to overlook those.

  • bluzdude

    Wow… that’s the easiest list ever. It is weird that I think the toughest thing would be the pancakes?

    Also, I was going to say that I hope #10 included being tossed over the shoulder, as opposed to the Romance Novel Cover – Arms Under the Knees and Shoulders carry, but then you specified. The Over the Shoulder carry is much better on the carrier’s back. You wouldn’t want a herniated disk to interfere with the cuddling.

  • Bonnie

    Love, love, LOVE your list. You may have just inspired me. I like to be carried around from time to time, too. 😉

  • Kitten Thunder's Girl

    Though shalt actually mop the floors when you say you will.

    Very pleased with The Boy right now – my parents are coming on Friday and all I asked him to do was clean a path in the basement to the spare room. All on his own he remembered that, when we moved in to this house two years ago, he said he would do the floors. And he did. He even mopped my office!

  • Kitten Thunder's Girl

    By the way, I outweigh The Boy by…I’m going to say 60 pounds. He’s never going to carry me anywhere.

  • monicastangledweb

    You’re not asking for too much at all. I hope you get your wish and find the right guy. Liking chocolate is a must!

  • bevchen

    My boyfriend doesn’t read my blog. He could if he wanted to, but he says he doesn’t want to censor what I say on it.

    Thou shalt actually do what you promise and not wait til I do it then wander in and say “I was going to do that!”. Oh yeah, when? Next week?

    I think he should like chocolate. That way you get to buy extra large bars that are suitable for sharing. Just make sure you eat faster.

  • bellamoure

    #10 is always top of my list! And they must ride a motorbike.

  • itsthecookiemonster

    i think about #3 too! i personally want someone who doesn’t like chocolate, so that i can have it alll MUUAHAHAAA

    im 5’6″ so i totally know what you mean! i never get carried or piggy back rides cuz im too “big” geez. i want a man to lift me up and make me feel small and light and protected 🙂

  • Queen Gen

    How often should you be carried around? Because I’m 5’3″ and I almost never get carried. I get short jokes a lot, so it isn’t like Brad hasn’t noticed that I’m small enough to carry me around. But it just doesn’t occur to him to do it or something? I never realised I was missing out before.

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