Occasionally, I looked at engagement rings online. So I would be prepared. So I would know which one I wanted when Kiefer proposed.
Aside: I hated the ring my exfiance Mephistopheles gave me, and looking back on it, that should have been a sign. Thank goodness he and I didn’t get married!
Then I stopped looking at rings. Because I didn’t care which ring it was, what was most important was that Kiefer gave me a ring…any ring.
But one day, someone sent me a link to some rings, and I couldn’t bring myself to click on the link for a different reason.
What’s the point? Kiefer’s never going to ask me anyways.
Is that really what I thought of our relationship? That it really wasn’t going to progress any further? Then why was I still here?
So I waited. Maybe I was just having a bad day. But the feeling didn’t go away.
Then I started seeing rings everywhere, particularly at breakfast, and I told Kiefer so (e.g., This Fruit Loop is so round. You know what else is round? Engagement rings!) because I was trying to convince myself that we might actually get married.
Looking back on it, I realize it was my last-ditch effort. Trinity River posted about how “procrastination can contribute to a slow death of the relationship.” Kiefer knew what I wanted (him), but what I wanted wasn’t important to him or he didn’t want me.
Every day Kiefer didn’t show me he wanted to marry me, every day that he’d said he’d ask and then didn’t, was a day that I (and my hope) slipped away from him.
So I told Kiefer, “Some days I don’t think we’re ever going to get married.” Because Kiefer was the only person who could “fix” it. All he had to do was ask.
And I waited longer.
But nothing changed.
So I made a change. I left.