An oldie but a goodie….
I just saw the best Spam comment ever. I wanted to approve it (because it was hilarious), but I didn’t want anyone to accidently click on it and get a virus or something nasty.
But here’s the text, minus the links, and plus my inner monologue.
HELP! I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia.
Dude, that stinks.
And being forced to post SPAM comments on blogs!
I can’t believe they gave you access to the internet. The Russian Mafia is following my blog? Neat.
(link to Penis Enlargement)
Who knew the mafia had stock in enlargement? Is the Russian Mafia experimenting on you? Sounds like they’re treating you pretty well. Dude, you’re living the dream.
If you don’t approve this, they will kill me. (another link to Penis Enlargement)
Kill you…or enlarge your penis?
They’re coming back now.
Really? ::looking over my shoulder:: I don’t see them. Oh! They’re where you are. Maybe instead of typing that, you should have used that time to formulate an escape or attack or something.
Please send help!
Where? Russia is a pretty big place. And if those enlargement experiments work, you’ll be a god among men. Maybe stick it out a little longer.
After a good chuckle, I started to think…what if it was real? What if I contributed to a man’s death? I stood by idly and did nothing.
Oops.
Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I often snorkel in my bathtub too. Maybe one day we will swim into each other.”—Brittany
Thoughts Appear 
January 10th, 2013 at 8:35 am
“Russia is a pretty big place.” I don’t know what it is about this sentence, but it singlehandedly (in context) brightened my morning.
I’d like a little more spam like this. Or, wait . . . no. None more spam, that’s even better.
January 10th, 2013 at 8:40 am
I get the biggest kick out of reading my spam. They usually spam an image. I approve the ones I think are hilarious. But I NEVER got one like this! This takes the SPAM AWARD!
January 10th, 2013 at 8:42 am
I bet the Russian Mafia isn’t following my blog. You’re so lucky, Thoughtsy.
January 10th, 2013 at 8:45 am
I’ve never gotten hilarious and creative spam such as this!! And now I’m jealous of your faux hostage erectile dysfunction spammer. Never thought I’d have the chance to say THAT.
January 10th, 2013 at 8:51 am
If this guy’s sitting in front of a computer all day, I’m pretty sure he’s got his own penis enlargement program going. He doesn’t need our help.
January 10th, 2013 at 9:18 am
Aww, man. I never get interesting spam. Obviously my blog is not good enough for the Russian Mafia!
January 10th, 2013 at 11:24 am
I remember this post. I’ve noticed my spam count is low lately and it’s really low quality. More effects of the aging process, I suppose.
January 10th, 2013 at 12:05 pm
Oops nothing!! If you contributed those large penis-ed mafia men would have come at you without pants and done who knows what!! You made the right decision.
January 10th, 2013 at 12:09 pm
Somewhere there’s a poor dead hostage with a giant penis. So sad.
January 10th, 2013 at 12:13 pm
Omg! You killed a big penis!! How can you live with yourself? Lol.
January 10th, 2013 at 12:53 pm
Damn those Russian Mafia guys.
January 10th, 2013 at 1:58 pm
I always knew the Russians were involved in spam 😉
Looks like you need to go all TinTin and infiltrate them!
Cheers
Choc Chip Uru
January 10th, 2013 at 1:59 pm
My spam is never that interesting or thought provoking. But then again, when I saw the title of your blog, I assumed you were talking about Spam®, and was coming to say Minnesota REPRESENT! Wasn’t sure what the Russian Mafia wanted with pork byproducts, but whatevs.
January 10th, 2013 at 2:37 pm
What if the kidnapee is a woman? That’s going to make one awkward family reunion once some altruistic blogger does the necessary amount of crazy stalking to track down the mafia’s lair and free her from her spam servitude.
January 10th, 2013 at 11:38 pm
Too funny. As they say in another language, ” C’est la vie!” That’s what all the people say!
But, that reminds me though, Thoughtsy. It’s been a while since I checked my spam box. Let’s hope I find something just as pithy. Thanks for the reminder!
January 11th, 2013 at 12:12 am
Has to be the best spam comment I’ve ever read. Only I didn’t read it. You read it and then blogged it. So I guess I read it second hand. Does that make me an accessory to murder?
January 11th, 2013 at 1:03 am
Darn it… I never get any hostages spamming my blog… 😦
January 11th, 2013 at 1:36 am
That’s… amazingly creative! All of my spam comments are “Wow! Great information on your web log, thank you” and a link. WTF? I need to take lessons from you, apparently, because a Fuck You Friday post is NOT great information! Ha!
January 11th, 2013 at 7:54 am
That’s actually pretty clever. Way better than the norm, I’d almost invite this kind of spam (maybe not).
January 11th, 2013 at 12:50 pm
Ahahah a virus may have been worth it. Too funny!
January 11th, 2013 at 3:53 pm
People hate my blog. Even spammers want nothin’ to do with me. I only wish I had the opportunity to…
oops daughter just vomited. Gotta go.
January 11th, 2013 at 5:43 pm
I wish I got awesome spammy comments. I just get a TON of spammy pingbacks on SnarkSquad.com and THEY RUIN MY LIFE. I HATE THEM. Probably as much as I’d hate the Russian mafia if they were forcing me into spam commenting and penis enlargement.
January 11th, 2013 at 6:07 pm
Aw, man… I never get interesting spam. Mine’s always some half-English, half-jibberish from southeast Asia or the Pacific islands.
January 14th, 2013 at 1:57 pm
Thank you! Because of this I will look at Spam in a different light as I hit the delete button. Love the article.