One Time Too Many

I needed one more post to vent, so like yesterday, no funnies here today. But I have good news to share tomorrow.

Nothing can prepare you for a miscarriage. All of those pregnancy books I was reading…not one contained a chapter on miscarriages. Not one said, “This may happen to you during your pregnancy. Sorry for your loss. It’s going to hurt, but you’re not alone.”

Nothing can be done about an early miscarriage, so when I started bleeding, I was ordered to bedrest and to call if the bleeding increased.

Which it did.

The advice nurse tried to be optimistic by saying some women have some bleeding early in pregnancy, but I knew what was happening.

But I tried the nurse’s point of view anyways, which led me to spend the evening in bed, thinking…

Maybe if I just don’t move….

Pretty soon that thought turned to…

Maybe I shouldn’t have walked around this morning. Maybe I shouldn’t have done the elliptical last night. Did I miss a prenatal vitamin? How much alcohol did I drink before I knew I was pregnant….

All evening and night I fought. As if sheer will would have kept me from miscarrying. As if the baby wasn’t already gone….

When Kiefer took me to urgent care in the early hours of the morning, I was exhausted. I’d had maybe 3 hours of sleep. I was 4 pounds lighter than I was not even 48 hours before, and my blood pressure was so low, it’s amazing I was still standing.

Any optimism I once had was long gone.

The doctor tried to make me feel better by saying:

  • It wasn’t anything I did: not exercising, not sex, and not stress.
  • Between 25 and 50% of all pregnancies end in first trimester miscarriages. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. My heart breaks for anyone else who’s experienced a miscarriage.
  • Usually a miscarriage is a one-time occurence.

But it’s still one time too many.

Thank you all so much for your comments on yesterday’s post. Kiefer and I truly appreciate all of your kind words and bloggy hugs.

No one knew I was pregnant, so when I miscarried, I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone. I ended up emailing another blogger who’d been through a miscarriage. She’s a Maineiac helped me.

I read a few posts by other bloggers, and as much as it pained me to read about someone else’s suffering, it made me feel better that I was allowed to hurt, that I wasn’t alone, and that someone else understood. That’s why I ultimately decided to blog about my miscarriage…maybe one day I’ll help someone else.

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About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

55 responses to “One Time Too Many

  • girlinafoodfrenzy

    Good for you, take time, rest and take care of you 🙂

  • mistyslaws

    I hope you know how much you are loved and supported out here on the interwebz. And in real life as well, of course.

    Most of the women in my family (including my mom and aunt, my husband’s sisters and mother) and a lot of my close friends have had miscarriages at one time. And they all eventually had healthy babies. It is definitely not something you did, as it unfortunately happens way too frequently.

    I’m glad you and Keifer have each other as support and I know you are strong enough to weather this sad and tragic event. Nothing anyone says can heal the wounds, but you know that we are all out here supporting you.

  • Nikki B

    OMG, Thoughtsy! You see why I can’t miss things around here??? Augh!

    My heart for you – and it may be weird that I want to help since I don’t want le bebes. For myself. But …

    My best friend from high school had her first miscarriage in a new town while her new husband was in Iraq. I was three states away by this time, and trying to help over the phone wasn’t enough. That said, she has three beautiful kids now, and her husband has a vasectomy.

    Another BFF from after college has a rare genetic blood disease where she forms clots when she gets pregnant and her body forces a miscarriage. It took doctors ages to diagnose her. So. Since she gets preggers when her husband looks at her funny, she went through three miscarriages in a year before they figured out what was wrong with her. She has two awesome boys, and a third on the way.

    Maybe those stories don’t help, and I KNOW for a fact that when you’re going through shit, sometimes it doesn’t help to hear how you’re not alone – your pain FEELS like it can’t possibly be shared, it’s so deep. I cannot imagine what you and Keifer are going through, but it does happen, and it was nothing you did, and this isn’t the end. Even though it feels that way now.

    MORE BLOGGING HUGS!!!!

  • Pauline

    I’m so sorry, that must have been devastating! Take care of yourself and feel better soon. 🙂

  • cornfedgirl

    I’m so so sorry that this happened to you and your family.

  • Sonja

    You have been on my mind since I read your post yesterday. I’m sending more hugs your way. You are not alone, unfortunately it doesn’t make it easier for what you have been through. Just like you found some comfort from others in your experience, you will help someone one day. You might not even know that you did. When I went through a very nasty divorce, I had so much love and support from friends and family. I know without a doubt, I could not have done it without my support group… even though I was the one in the trenches fighting the battle.

    Take care of yourself, Thoughtsy. {{hugs}}

  • Hippie Cahier

    I mean this to be comforting: as difficult as it is, it’s a good sign that nature recognizes things aren’t going right.

  • She's a Maineiac

    And I’ll still be here for you, anytime at all. If you want to vent, cry, talk, anything. You were very strong to write about this and I know your words will help others. We do need to talk about this more. Huge hugs to you.

  • EllieAnn

    I’m just so so sorry you have to go through this. It’s a tragedy no one can prepare for. I hope you take time to mourn, and heal. Love you.

  • Christina

    You and Kiefer have been in my thoughts and prayers. More hugs to you.

  • suzicate

    You never know how much something we blog about might help someone else. Still sending you hugs and healing energy.

  • Victoria-writes

    I think you’re really brave for talking about it and wanting to help others. Take care xx

  • bluzdude

    I hope you can really focus on the “not your fault” part. The miscarriage is difficult enough without bring guilt into it.

    Blogging hugs…

  • ifUseekAmy

    It takes amazing strength to open up about something so personal and tragic. Please find comfort in the fact that we all here support you and are here for you in any way.

    Just by being so honest and open, you are helping others who have gone through it or are going through it and helping everyone else understand the emotions involved with suffering a miscarriage.

    xoxo

  • Leanne Shirtliffe

    You are a strong woman, even when in a position of absolute weakness and loss. I don’t know what you’re going through. I did, however, have bleeding at 9 weeks when pregnant with my twins and was put on 3 weeks bedrest. They made it. I often think about if they hadn’t. Sending you love from Canada. And sleep too.

  • luckythirteen05

    Thank you for sharing your story. As someone who has not tried to get pregnant (yet) this is an eyeopener and a story everyone needs to be aware of but is not often talked about. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I wish it hadn’t. Try to be as optimistic about the situation you’re in, it sounds very scary and lean on anyone you can for support. You know your body best, so trust your intuition. Much love.

  • Go Jules Go

    I’m so glad you shared this with us, and I know you are already helping others. It’s very brave of you, and I really admire you for that. And I certainly wouldn’t wish this on anyone either; my heart is with you and Kiefer right now!

  • Leauxra

    Never ever ever feel like you can’t mourn. A very real loss deserves whatever you need to do to say goodbye.

    My thoughts are with you and Kiefer. ((big hugs))

  • Lorraine

    I know that it will help someone. Even if it helps them feel brave enough to share their own story, the way you have.

    I like your face far too much to express in words.

    Lor

  • Melissa Wolfe

    A baby carried. A baby missed. The hurt of a miscarriage runs deep. We can do hard things. You sharing your story of your hard thing will most definitely help someone else through theirs.

  • Kitten Thunder's Girl

    You don’t always have to be funny. Your bloggy friends want to be a part of everything in your life.

  • lindamedrano

    I’m so sorry this happened. You and your man need to take time to grieve, to heal, and to try again at some point. You are still very young. I’m glad the doctor explained to you that it’s not your fault. You did nothing that would have caused this. It just “happens” sometimes, and when it does, it’s a heartbreaking experience. Peace to you both.

  • marinasleeps

    I just wanna hug you right now.

  • joy2wrld

    I’m sorry. I know nothing can make it better for you. I’ve been there – and I think you’re amazing for sharing – like you said – maybe you’ll help one suffering in silence.

    Good thoughts your way….

  • Deborah the Closet Monster

    I almost miscarried at eleven weeks. Your bulleted list of words from your doctor reminded me of the terror and sadness I felt when the doctor said the words as if they were mere facts with no emotional impact. “Just go home and wait it out. The next 24 hours will tell.”

    I know a simple “I’m so sorry, I know this is terrifying and you will inevitably think of everything you did that might have caused this; that’s natural” wouldn’t have changed anything that followed . . . but it would have been nice, somehow, to have a human-to-human interaction.

    Sending much love and support from here.

  • MaLinda Johnson

    I’ve had multiple positive HPT’s that were never doctor confirmed pregnancies and heralded early miscarriages. I have a hormone imbalance that makes it almost impossible for me to stay pregnant. I understand the trying to be still and wondering what you did wrong things. I hope that you will eventually successfully do what I cannot. (HUGS)

    Ps. I know 4 women who miscarried before they had their babies, so it is possible to have a healthy infant after a miscarriage.

  • Jen

    I’ve been through four miscarriages and lost a baby 5 days after he and his brothers were born. It stays with you forever; as it should. These lifes matter. These children matter. Be OK with not being OK. And please know that you are not alone. xoxo

  • Life and all things love

    Sometimes, there are not words big enough or pretty enough to do justice for what you want to say….I wish you peace and comfort in the days to follow.

  • Laura

    I’m glad you’ve been posting about this. I can’t imagine what it would be like to try to pretend everything was okay.

  • A Pinterest Addict

    When I was about nine weeks pregnant with my son, I started to bleed very heavily at work on a Friday afternoon. I called the doctor’s office and explained what was going on, and the girl answering the phone said I was probably miscarrying, and they couldn’t do anything about it as it was so early, and to wait until Monday to come in, unless things got worse. (you know, it was FRIDAY, and they had places to go!!) For those three days I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. I couldn’t believe how much you could love someone you never even met, and only knew about for a few weeks. It was the most horrible three days of my life. When I went on that Monday and found out that he was okay (some blood vessel broke – or something, they couldn’t explain it), I have never been more grateful that someone was wrong (for assuming that I was miscarrying).
    I know it’s not the same as what you are going through, but I’m so sorry you are hurting. It is the deepest pain a person can feel, without ripping out your own heart. Hugs for you and Kiefer.

  • Brittany

    I just read your last post, and I am SO sorry to hear about this!! I cannot relate even in the slightest, but can only imagine what you are going through!! You must believe the doc when they tell you it was NOT your fault!! Blog hug sent your way.!

  • ryoko861

    (((((((HUGS))))))))

  • Howlin' Mad Heather

    I had no idea. My condolences to you and I hope you will find comfort and peace.

  • mychaoticbubble

    My heart goes out to you and Kiefer (((HUGS)))

  • Jessica

    I’m so sorry to hear this, Thoughtsy. My thoughts are with you and Kiefer and I hope you never give up hope. My sister had son two years ago, a miscarriage in January, and it expecting her second son around Thanksgiving. Keep on trying and you’ll be in the mommyhood before you know it. xoxo

  • NanaBread (Jeanne)

    There are no words, Thoughtsy. No amount of fro-yo or hand holding makes this feel better. Just know that I care, kiddo, and that I’ll be holding you and Keifer close to my heart.

  • Lucy

    Oh, sweetie, of course it is upsetting and you hurt, you have lost a child. Hopes, dreams and a being you were already in love with. I lost a child in between my son and daughter, 23 years ago and I still remember exactly where I was, when it happened,how I felt. Just because you didn’t announce your pregnancy doesn’t mean you were not happy,excited and already madly in love with the child inside you. Take your time,get to feeling better and although you will never forget you will be happy again, it just takes a little time.

  • CrazyTragicAlmostMagic

    I am so sorry this happened to you. You are, without a doubt, allowed to hurt, cry and be angry. And you should do all of those things.

  • mairzeebp

    I wish I had the right words to say but as I search my brain, all I come to is that I wish I could make things better somehow. I’m not sure that I can but, I’m here if you need anything and am hoping for the very best for you Thoughts. And I’ve been exercising alot so I think I could take a punch if you need to hit something really hard to feel better. I’m hugging you right now.

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  • mullberrywhine

    Just one year ago we also lost a child. I’m so sorry you too have had to exeperience such indescribable loss. It never goes away, but it does get better, I promise you. All the best to you and yours as you grieve and grow.

  • Le Clown

    It’s been a while. And I come back to this. I have no words. Take good care of your self, your inner being. My deepest and most positive thoughts.
    Eric

  • pearlsandprose

    My friend who had the miscarriage? She went on to have five beautiful children. Take good care, Thoughtsy.

  • Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson

    Sweetie! I am so sorry. A friend of mine told me it is okay to ask G-d for things. I’m going to ask for you to be okay and give you strength. I cannot imagine the weight you must be feeling. And people say lots of stupid things when they find out someone has miscarried. So I hope you have been spared of that. I hope writing about things is bringing you some kind of comfort and support. And I’m glad you had Darla.

  • Angelia Sims

    I did the same thing…thought it was because I took a bath too hot. Went on a plane…etc. etc. The whole thing sucks big monkey balls. And I will say, the NURSES are the worst. I know they probably get tons of calls, but REALLY? A little compassion for first times mom’s please. I’m so sorry girl! I am glad you shared your story. It is part of healing.

  • cooper

    Tough stuff….but, as you can see, you are not alone. Take the time to be gentle with yourself and regroup, then climb back on the horse. Hmmm..maybe that’s not the best metaphor here….but you know what I mean. Treat yourself well.

  • My Inner Chick

    I am soooo very sorry, dear.

    Thinking of you today.

    Many warm hugs from Minnesota. Oooxx

  • Running from Hell with El

    I wanted to add my love and prayers.

  • bevchen

    I am so sorry for your loss. There’s really no more I can say – I’ll let those who know what they’re talking about take over from here.

  • Christian Emmett

    I didn’t know what to say Thoughtsy, but my heart ached for your loss. My sister had tremendous trouble conceiving, also suffering the loss of their first through miscarriage.

    I hold every hope in my heart that you and Kiefer are blessed with the same joy that my sister and brother-in-law now have with their children.

    Lots of hugs and honest good wishes from across the sea.

  • pegoleg

    I can’t say I know what you’re going through – I never experienced this, that I know of. I’m so sorry for your loss and hope you heal fully in body and spirit.

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  • LKD

    I’m just catching up and crying as I write this. Sometimes words are not enough. I am so sorry, and wish you and Kiefer all the strength and hope in the world.

  • Catherine

    :(. I’m so so sorry that you went through this. My mom had a miscarriage when I was growing up and I remember how sad she was. I’m thinking about you. You have such a warm spirit and I know many good things are coming your way. We’re all here for you.

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