I needed one more post to vent, so like yesterday, no funnies here today. But I have good news to share tomorrow.
Nothing can prepare you for a miscarriage. All of those pregnancy books I was reading…not one contained a chapter on miscarriages. Not one said, “This may happen to you during your pregnancy. Sorry for your loss. It’s going to hurt, but you’re not alone.”
Nothing can be done about an early miscarriage, so when I started bleeding, I was ordered to bedrest and to call if the bleeding increased.
Which it did.
The advice nurse tried to be optimistic by saying some women have some bleeding early in pregnancy, but I knew what was happening.
But I tried the nurse’s point of view anyways, which led me to spend the evening in bed, thinking…
Maybe if I just don’t move….
Pretty soon that thought turned to…
Maybe I shouldn’t have walked around this morning. Maybe I shouldn’t have done the elliptical last night. Did I miss a prenatal vitamin? How much alcohol did I drink before I knew I was pregnant….
All evening and night I fought. As if sheer will would have kept me from miscarrying. As if the baby wasn’t already gone….
When Kiefer took me to urgent care in the early hours of the morning, I was exhausted. I’d had maybe 3 hours of sleep. I was 4 pounds lighter than I was not even 48 hours before, and my blood pressure was so low, it’s amazing I was still standing.
Any optimism I once had was long gone.
The doctor tried to make me feel better by saying:
- It wasn’t anything I did: not exercising, not sex, and not stress.
- Between 25 and 50% of all pregnancies end in first trimester miscarriages. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. My heart breaks for anyone else who’s experienced a miscarriage.
- Usually a miscarriage is a one-time occurence.
But it’s still one time too many.
Thank you all so much for your comments on yesterday’s post. Kiefer and I truly appreciate all of your kind words and bloggy hugs.
No one knew I was pregnant, so when I miscarried, I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone. I ended up emailing another blogger who’d been through a miscarriage. She’s a Maineiac helped me.
I read a few posts by other bloggers, and as much as it pained me to read about someone else’s suffering, it made me feel better that I was allowed to hurt, that I wasn’t alone, and that someone else understood. That’s why I ultimately decided to blog about my miscarriage…maybe one day I’ll help someone else.