How To Buy a Swimsuit…Or Get Felt Up

Every time I travel I forget something. 99% of the time it’s my hairbrush. But on my Fort Lauderdale trip, I forgot a swimsuit.

So there I was…at the beach…without a swimsuit. Fail.

So I decided to buy a tankini. I picked out two tops.

Russian Clerk: This one’s too young for you.

Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: Did she just call me old?

Russian Clerk: But this one…It’s nice. What size are you? Small?

Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: Now she’s just trying to make up for calling me old.

Thoughtsy: Bwahaha! Uh…no. I have broad shoulders. At least a medium. Maybe a large.

Russian Clerk: The small should fit. You like this bottom? What size do you need? Turn around, and let me see.

Thoughtsy: Uh…. ::hesistantly spins so she can check out my butt::

Russian Clerk: Maybe a medium.

Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: Soooooo…I’m old…with small boobs and a fat butt. Great. 

In the dressing room, I try on the top and one of the dozen bottoms she gave me. Once I’m ready, she opens the curtain.

Russian Clerk: Can I adjust and show you how to wear this swimsuit?

Thoughtsy: Suuuuure….

Let me fill you in on a secret. “Adjusting” is code for the clerk shoving her hand into the front of the swimsuit and fondling your boobs until they’re in the right position.

BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!

Later…when the clerk rung me up…

Russian Clerk: That’ll be $120.

Thoughtsy: What?! I don’t want to spend that much. Let me get a cheaper bottom.

Russian Clerk: The bottom is $59, and the top is $59…but I guess I could give you $20 off the bottom.

Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: Yes, let’s do that. Since I did let you touch my boobs.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “When I look at the margarita picture, I see normal-sized margaritas and tiny, tiny hands.”—Laura

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About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

29 responses to “How To Buy a Swimsuit…Or Get Felt Up

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