Please Don’t Stab Me

So I am laying on the comfy and warm massage table, and the masseuse walks in. You can catch up on Part 1 here.

Masseuse: So you’re from Maryland? What are you doing here in Tampa?

Thoughtsy: My boyfriend and I are visiting friends, and this massage is part of my birthday present.

Masseuse: Awww…you have a nice boyfriend. Not like my exboyfriend. He was a crackhead.

Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: Oh my god, where the hell did Kiefer leave me? Weren’t those macarons in the Serenity Room? Surely the ghetto spa wouldn’t have macarons. Or a Serenity Room.

Thoughtsy: I’m glad he’s your ex.

Masseuse: My new boyfriend isn’t much better. He moved in with me because the crackhead was stalking me, but he slept with some girl a few nights ago.

Thoughtsy: Oh, I’m so sorry.

Masseuse: Don’t worry. I showed him. When he showed up at my house last night, I started screaming at him. And I threatened him with a butcher knife.

Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: Mental note to keep track of where her hands are at all times.

Masseuse: He was so controlling, too. I was never allowed to have any friends over, but he could have his over. But I showed him. Once when we were grilling with our neighbors, and I used scissors to cut his shirt.

Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: Dear God, Please let me make it out of here alive.

The masseuse eventually asked me what I thought of her current situation. I told her I thought it was time to leave her boyfriend. She agreed. I hope she does.

Masseuse: Oops. I went a little over on your massage because I was so busy talking. I hope you don’t mind. I wasn’t even going to talk to you at all, but I guess I just needed to get it all out.

Moral of the Massage: Listening to a masseuse vent will get you a longer massage.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Oh come on, no way she’s an effective bum self waxer. She can’t even see it all.”—Omawarisan

About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

35 responses to “Please Don’t Stab Me

  • LetMeStartBySaying (@LetMeStart)

    Did you count all your fingers and toes before you left? Did she tattoo her name on your ankle or anything? I feared for you.

  • Angelia Sims

    Not sure which is worse a talker or a heavy breather. I had a heavy breather once. Thought she was going to kill over trying to work the kinks out. It was quite disturbing. Also? It was a couples massage and my husband thought the heavy breather was me. Omg! Sometimes, it’s just better to be tense. 🙂

  • sisterhoodofthetravellingprof

    Beautiful. And talking does make them lose track of time. Relationships and money are always winners if you want to get that extra ten minutes.

  • Bonnie

    EPIC!! Hopefully she’ll take your wise advice and get her, umm, stuff together.

  • suzicate

    Hmmm…she kinda’ took “relaxing” right out of the massage! I’d say Kiefer owes you a “redo” on this one at a new place!

  • NanaBread (Jeanne)

    I think she should switch from massage to waxing clients so she can work out her issues by causing others pain without uttering a word. She obviously needs an outlet…other than ruining someone’s special birthday massage by turning it into an unwanted therapy session. On the up side, it did give you a stunningly bizarre story to share. So there’s that. I would have taken that tray of macarons with me on the way out, though. Serenity now!

  • monicastangledweb

    Yikes, spikes! Talk about angry masseuse! How could you relax with that rant? I don’t know if having extra minutes was worth it. Just glad you didn’t do anything to made her even angrier. Glad you survived your birthday gift! Next time, Keifer might want to interview your gift first.

  • Hippie Cahier

    I hope the boyfriend doesn’t follow your blog.

  • Go Jules Go

    Okay, this is just too much. I love that during a notoriously ‘relaxing’ ritual, she’s talking about butchering and clothes-maiming her boyfriend, and then pretends you’re just a warm body she needed to vent to. Holy Hay-Zeus.

  • mistyslaws

    Yeah, I would say that took the relaxing right out of that massage. Instead of paying for that service, you should have charged her at the end for therapy! I hear therapists make good money for an hour of listening to other people bitch about their problems. You should just be lucky that she didn’t try to crawl onto the bed with you, mistaking it for a therapy couch. Ghetto massage, for sure!

  • bananastick3rs

    You are a very patient woman… in that position, I would have been a jerk and advised her to stay with her boyfriend forever, ’cause she is an asshole for puking her poor mating choices on a massage.

  • ryoko861

    WTF? Isn’t that was counselors are for? How relaxing could that have been? Sitting in bumper to bumper traffic in hot weather would have been better! At least listening to stale music is better than listening to some dead beat pounding on your back!

  • marinasleeps

    Your massage should have been free!!!

  • Pauline

    Wow! That must have been tremendously awkward! Luckily, every massage therapist I’ve had has been great, no crackhead ex-boyfriends stories at all! (Knock on wood!)

  • Classic

    :-O << My face during the entire post. My mother used to give massages when she was a skin therapist, and rule number one was: make sure your customer is comfortable, happy and that they don't feel awkward, especially if it's their first massage…I'm pretty sure your masseuse did the exact opposite of rule number one.

  • The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife

    Thoughtsy, I think she should have paid you for the free therapy. Extra charge for going over time, too.

  • bluzdude

    Totally uncool for the masseuse to dump her problems on her customer. And I sure wouldn’t want any masseuse that’s working on me to start getting all riled up. Those people have incredibly strong hands… they’re liable to break something right off your body.

  • pegoleg

    What a thoughtful gift! Maybe next time you’ll get a coupon for a facial down at the women’s jail.

  • Angela Noelle

    They sound pretty equally psychotic… maybe they should just stay together to protect any sane people from potentially becoming involved with them.

  • Choc Chip Uru

    Did you feel any bouts of nausea, passing out or laughing gas?
    Did you check to make sure your skin was intact?
    Precautions, precautions!

    Choc Chip Uru

  • lindamedrano

    They had macaroons in the waiting room?

  • kaysfairytale

    The key to get crazy people to stop talking is to be even crazier than they are. So she says she threatened her boyfriend with a butcher knife? You say that you killed the last guy who cheated on you with a cheese grater. Then enjoy your relaxing massage in stunned silence.

  • mj monaghan

    I say, “What, or who, relaxes the muscles, only makes you stronger, as long as you keep an eye on sharp objects.”

    They can say whatever they want as long as I get extra massage minutes out of it. 🙂

  • Kimberly Pugliano (@GisSilent)

    I would have paid, tipped and then gone home and called the joint immediately to tell them how awful my experience was after hitting *68 to make sure my number was blocked in case crazy lady answered. I would demand some kind of payment back or a free massage at a better establishment or at the very least a box of macaroons.

    That’s what I’d do.

  • Denise

    I think you should have negotiated a free massage in exchange for the free therapy session. I hate when massage therapists talk to you – I just want to tell them “I’m here to forget about the people I already know, not learn about someone new.”

  • Laura

    I’m still trying to figure out how the cutting-his-shirt-while-grilling-with-neighbors worked. Did she cut the shirt he was wearing, while they were grilling with friends? Did she cut some of the shirts in his closet while everyone else was outside grilling? I’m so confused.

  • prttynpnk

    Mercy crap! I’m glad you got more table time, but I personally feel too vulnerable without my bra on to listen to a Jerry Springer audition while I’m rubbed by a stranger! The last thing I need to hear is that she has knife skills?!

  • Lucy

    Wow, Kiefer went all out on that massage!

  • Amiable Amiable

    Oh my god, and what everyone wrote before me! So funny and, yet, frightening! Sounds like an SNL skit! There’s something to be said for her services being all the way in Tampa – I would have clicked my flip flops together three times and repeated “There’s no place like home.”

  • Brittany

    Bahahaha whaaaaat the shit!! This crazy needs some therapy STAT!! Or she needs to become a lesbian, because that would solve her man issues.

  • Nikki B

    Oh em geeeee!!

    TMI, Massage Lady, TMI! Clearly, she needed to get all that out. But to a client??? YIKES. But also… LOLZ!

  • Alejandra Quetzalli

    this was hilarious! wow… hard to believe! 🙂

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