I told Esme that it was time to start pulling her weight. She’s been a squatter for 3 years now.
Me: No more freeloading. I can’t even claim you as a dependent.
Esme: Meow?
Me: Don’t sweet talk me. Find a way to contribute.
Esme isn’t really into manual labor, and she refuses to wear a hair net over her fur, so she decided to try pole dancing. I’m her trainer.
Step 1: Play music.
Esme: I’m not dancing to “I’m Sexy and I Know It.”
Step 2: Motivation.
Music wasn’t enough for Esme. She need more. She needed…a mouse.
Step 3: Drugs.
Because I don’t want Esme to feel bad about herself in the morning or objectify her body, I decided to drug her…with catnip. This way she won’t remember anything.
Step 4: Wait for the drugs to take effect.
Esme: Why is the room spinning? You better not post this pic on your blog.
Step 5: Munchies.
Wait for the munchies to pass.
Step 6: Use the motivator (mouse) to make the cat mount the pole.
Step 7: Wiggle.
Step 8: Pass out into a catnip-induced slumber.
March 8th, 2012 at 8:43 am
Haha. Very nice. Esme is quite lovely – maybe she could be a model (you know, the catwalk!). Last time I told my dog Shelby she needed to pull her weight around here she brought me a baby oppossum she had killed. I’m good with her just laying around now.
March 8th, 2012 at 8:54 am
I think it’s important to know what you’re good at! Also, to pursue the things that you really enjoy in life. I hope that Esme can turn her pole dancing into a money making business, but I’m worried that she’ll get hooked on catnip. And then she’ll have to go to re-hab, but maybe she’ll quit after one day. And then there might be a string of DUI’s and crazy umbrella attacks on the paparazzi and then she’ll shave herself bald… Poor, poor Esme! She used to be such a wonderful cat with a promising pole dancing career, and now look at her.
March 8th, 2012 at 8:57 am
Headlines I thought I’d never read – this fits the category.
March 8th, 2012 at 9:00 am
Esme has a promising future with her pole dancing! Now just get her to wear some 3 inch heels and she’s got it made! LOL
March 8th, 2012 at 9:28 am
The munchies picture made me laugh out loud.
My laugh out loud outburst made my daughter cried.
My daughter crying made my wife angry at my laugh out loud outburst.
Thank you for your post.
March 8th, 2012 at 9:51 am
Oh, Thoughtsy. Are you Esme’s pimp, now? Because you know there is a fine line between the pole and the corner, right? Do I need to buy you a purple fedora with feather, a fur coat and cane? Because I can just ask some of ma peeps where they get theirs and you will be all set? Maybe even get yourself a little catstitution ring. That should really bring in the dough. Watch out for the po po, though.
March 8th, 2012 at 9:52 am
I really think Esme may have a future in pole dancing. Just keep lots of catnip around!
March 8th, 2012 at 9:56 am
I have a min-pin that isn’t pulling her weight either. Even though she’s a girl, she humps anything she can get her paws around, so I don’t think it’ll be too hard to teach her to pole dance.
Tell you what, let’s send Esme and my dog out as a pair, I think there’s real money to be made here.
March 8th, 2012 at 10:48 am
First you get her hooked on catnip, and then you get her to do things she wouldn’t do while she’s sober and film it. You’re using her! I agree with Misty. You are on the slippery slope to being a cat-pimp.
March 8th, 2012 at 11:24 am
Twiggy has informed me that a cat’s job is to keep its person’s lap warm. Therefore, there is no reason for a cat to learn to pole dance or anything else that might bring in some income, as questionable as it may be. Lily, however, feels that keeping the other animals in line is her job and says that pole-dancing is so beneath her. I’ll try to keep them away from Esme so she doesn’t rebel.
March 8th, 2012 at 11:41 am
Esme is very charming, but I really think you are leading her astray. Next thing, you’ll have tom cats howling for her to put on her act in front of the window. My dogs engage in what can only be considered “doggie porn” but you don’t see me putting pictures of it on the internet. First you drug your poor cat, then you encourage her to do a pole dance. If you take this much further, I’m contacting the SPCA.
March 8th, 2012 at 12:55 pm
What is her pole dancing name going to be? I seems like Starry Midnight or something might work….or if you want to go more risque…maybe a play on Puss ‘n Boots?
March 12th, 2012 at 5:20 pm
What Jules said.
March 8th, 2012 at 3:18 pm
I love this post! :D
Isn’t the effect of catnip amaaaazing? A few months ago we bought catnip kitty litter because our older cat seems to confuse expensive furniture for a litter box…the litter worked alright, but then we had trouble getting the darn cat OUT of the litter box…she even slept in it…*shudder*
March 8th, 2012 at 4:28 pm
I tried for a year to get my cat to use one of these, however he won’t touch them. No matter how much catnip or how many treats I put near it, he just wouldn’t touch anything made of sisal rope. Cardboard on the other hand, he loved. I wonder if he has a texture problem?
March 8th, 2012 at 7:14 pm
Hilarious, but don’t let Esme see the pics. ;) Cats consider themselves too dignified to perform.
March 8th, 2012 at 9:30 pm
So when exactly does she go on tour? :)
March 8th, 2012 at 9:53 pm
wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle yah
How is that even a song? And, PS Right Said Fred called from the 90s and wants it back.
… just saying.
March 8th, 2012 at 11:09 pm
Bahaha! Seriously, though, she’s going to need some counselling.
March 8th, 2012 at 11:32 pm
I pictured your cat shuffling it’s ass across the carpet (in that lovely way they copy dogs sometimes) and saying “Every day I’m shufflin'”
March 9th, 2012 at 10:03 am
This is so cute!! I’m a big Esme-supporter. When she gets that swing-around down, you’ll hear me cheering her on in the background. :)
March 9th, 2012 at 11:37 am
Awww, she’s so cute! Dogs have agility training, so cats should have pole dancing!
March 9th, 2012 at 12:03 pm
so do we pay her with singles or catnip mice?
March 9th, 2012 at 12:38 pm
OMG…hahaha. Too funny. My cat is in for a training session.
March 9th, 2012 at 1:40 pm
Your Esme posts never fail to make me bust out laughing. I love cats so much..I love cats more than I love sex. Sort of..Ok maybe not..but I really love cats.
March 9th, 2012 at 2:29 pm
Does she do provate parties?
March 9th, 2012 at 2:30 pm
private, too. :(
March 9th, 2012 at 11:53 pm
Just hilarious! I love your writing..will look forward to more enjoyable posts!
March 11th, 2012 at 6:04 pm
Bahaha, it’s about time we put these cats to work.
March 13th, 2012 at 8:25 am
I buy my cat the poles with the wiggly stuff and they last about 10 minutes b4 he has them in shreds lol.