Dear Aliens, Please Abduct the Following People

Dear Aliens,

I saw that you recently abducted Jean Claude Van Damme…and then brought him back. Seriously? You could have kept him.

Please feel free to abduct the following people:

  • Carrot Top
  • Scarlett Johansson (My boyfriend’s crush. Once she’s gone, I’m sure he’ll propose.)
  • Kristen Stewart
  • Lady Gaga

Anyways, I’m sure you read my first letter, and I’m interpreting your silence as hostile. Now you leave me no choice. I’m going to make fun of you.

1. You only want our gold. (Source: Cowboys and Aliens)

Our gold? Really? Only pirates steal gold. Duh. At least be original, posers.

2. You land your spaceships in corn fields.

We have these places called “airports.” Air-ports, sound it out. They have flat, clear areas for landings and takeoffs.

Stop trying to showboat with the crop circles. They’re pathetic compared to our corn mazes.

Rrrrrr corn mazes are better.

3. You swipe people from Earth to study them.

98% of the Earth’s population are idiots. The joke’s on you.

Bring it,


PS: If after reading this, you feel the need to abduct me, my medical history is in the folder next to my bed, so you don’t have to…you know…do anything unpleasant.

Anyone you want to add to the abduction list?

About thoughtsappear

I eat lots of sugar. It's the only way to keep up with my new baby and to outrun zombies. View all posts by thoughtsappear

56 responses to “Dear Aliens, Please Abduct the Following People

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