Dear Esme the Cat,
W. T. F. How many times do I have to tell you? No playing with Mommy while she is in downward dog position.
Does this look infected?
Mommy needs that 25 minutes of yoga/pilates in the morning to…
- Wake up.
- Stretch.
- Not feel guilty about that Pop-Tart she’s about to eat for breakfast.
The appearance of the yoga mat and TV Bob Harper does not mean it’s time to…
- Swat at Mommy’s toes.
- Use Mommy’s legs as a scratching or stretching post.
- Wrap your paws around Mommy’s arms.
- Dig your claws into any exposed skin.
I feed you. I give you a roof over your head. I scratch behind your ears. What did I do to deserve those scratches? (Not counting the other day when I accidently shut your tail in the sliding door.)
What were you thinking? Obviously, you weren’t thinking.
Enjoy your claws for the next 8 hours. Once I get home, someone is getting a pedicure. Respect my authoritay!
Love,
Thoughtsy aka Mommy aka The Person Who Controls the Catnip and the Can Opener
Thoughts Appear 
February 27th, 2012 at 8:37 am
Make sure you wash it lots of warm water and soap! Then put some Neosporin on it. I’m an expert on these things. I’m the queen of teasing the shit out of my cat and paying for it dearly. Even though you weren’t teasing, you know better than I do that anything that moves is targeted play.
Those bad boys itch like the dickens. I’m also slightly allergic which doesn’t help.
February 27th, 2012 at 8:53 am
Ok, i guess i cant complain. Mine see the mat and immediately hunker down on it refusing to move. Its like yoga with a twister component.
February 27th, 2012 at 9:50 am
Sometimes these critters known as cats need to be reminded of who really is the boss. Who am I kidding? They know who is the boss, it’s we humans that forget and need to be reminded. But we have control – the nail clippers!
February 27th, 2012 at 10:08 am
Oy! Reason number two why I don’t have a cat. (number one being that I’m allergic).
February 27th, 2012 at 10:19 am
Ouchie! Oh, those furbabies of ours. Oop, gotta run – mine just pointed to her mouth again.
February 27th, 2012 at 10:24 am
Hmmm, being a scratching post does not sound like fun! Maybe you need a decoy for Esme!
February 27th, 2012 at 11:01 am
I guess if you want to look at the bright side, at least she’s not swiping your Tarts.
February 27th, 2012 at 11:30 am
Just wash it well and you should be fine. My cat bit me once because I broke up a fight. I washed it put rubbing alcohol on it and went about my day. By 4pm the bitten finer and my hand down to my wrist was swollen. Had to go to the ER.
February 27th, 2012 at 11:50 am
Aww, poor Esme. You must have really upset her to make her do that.
Esme, you can come here and I will take better care of you.
Thoughtsy, you must ask her forgiveness.
I’ll be thinking of you guys while munching on my new fav – cookies and cream poptart.
February 27th, 2012 at 11:59 am
Esme is merely trying to assist you with your Pop Tart penance. Be grateful.
February 27th, 2012 at 12:01 pm
Thoughtsy, my cat is somewhat geriatric now. He used to think it was great fun to pounce on my head about 3 AM. Now all I have to worry about is the dogs. They don’t really scratch, but if you give them the chance, they love treating human bellies as trampolines. Since they are 80 pounds and 50 pounds respectively, they give me quite a jolt.
February 27th, 2012 at 12:04 pm
Ouch.
February 27th, 2012 at 12:08 pm
Owwww!!!! Triple antibiotic the crap out of that!
February 27th, 2012 at 1:05 pm
I hope Esme the Cat hasn’t somehow, unbeknownst to you, become Esme the Zombie.
February 27th, 2012 at 1:09 pm
I think I see the problem here. Tell Esme that it is NOT the downward facing “DOG”, but the “CAT STRETCH” and she should be OK.
Also, you may want to distract her with some tuna, milk, and/or kitten treats.
February 27th, 2012 at 1:27 pm
just some cat scratch fever…beware of lurking ted nugents
February 27th, 2012 at 2:30 pm
Well, in her defense, you KNOW how cats feel about dogs, downward or otherwise.
February 27th, 2012 at 4:25 pm
LOL! Funny post but I feel your pain!
The worst is when they’re on your lap and someone drops something and they freak out and dig their claws into you! Owww!
February 27th, 2012 at 5:45 pm
My cat is like a ninja nazi..he attacks me at any random time. I will be loving him and BAM he attacks like he needs to save his life.
February 28th, 2012 at 3:14 am
My cat Thunder will jump on my lap and start purring whenever I get down on the floor to exercise, but if he’s lying on the floor and I sit down next to him, he’ll either ignore me or get up and walk away.
February 29th, 2012 at 12:45 am
Put apple cidar vinagar on it
February 29th, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Ohhhh, I had a cat when I was very young and can still remember how much those scratches hurt. They don’t look infected, just painful.
March 1st, 2012 at 9:23 am
When I go home-home to see my parents, I would often practice out on the deck. Where the cat and the dog could find me. I therefore actually spend practice asking them politely to not rub on me/sit on me/attempt to play with me/lick my face.