Dear Aliens,
Please stop stealing people from Earth. Here we call that “kidnapping,” and it’s illegal. In fact, pretty much everything you do is illegal. Not to mention just plain mean.
When you visit, here’s a list of activities to refrain from:
- Squishing corn with your transportation.
- Poking (Bad touch! Bad touch!), proding, and probing (::shudder::).
- Stealing/borrowing people.
- Throwing people around/sucking them up with your beams of light.
To do some research on you, I watched Cowboys and Aliens, and I learned that you want our gold.
So the bad economy is affecting you, too, huh? Times are tough, but you can’t go around stealing gold. It’s illegal.
Maybe instead of doing research on human bodies, you should read my Movies Teach Us posts or watch some movies.
I think you could learn a lot from our movies. For example, you’d learn that shake hands when we meet someone, not shove a needle in their eye like you did to that guy in Fire in the Sky.
Maybe you could stop sneaking around in the middle of the night (It’s scaring me the children.) and just introduce yourselves. Maybe sing some Bon Jovi karaoke with Blarney.
Sincerely,
Thoughtsy
PS: Please don’t introduce yourself to me. Your ugly mug would scare the bejeezus outta me. Introduce yourself to someone like the President. That’s why he gets paid the big bucks.
February 9th, 2012 at 8:38 am
Ha! Seriously. Let ‘bama deal with that shiz.
February 9th, 2012 at 8:44 am
Hahaha! Yup, I particularly liked your P.S.
February 9th, 2012 at 8:44 am
But if you want to teach someone how to fly a one-being space vehicle, feel free to look me up!
February 9th, 2012 at 8:45 am
That does not look like a friendly alien.
But mad props for the Bon Jovi reference!
February 9th, 2012 at 9:08 am
That was a wack-a-doo movie! I enjoyed it though, cause, you know, Daniel Craig, and all.
And how much can you really learn from a “probe” after all? I mean, if aliens are so advanced why don’t they just download patient files from the Mayo Clinic or someplace to learn everything they need to know about human anatomy. Enough with the probing and eyeball jabbing already!
February 13th, 2012 at 2:03 pm
I was thinking the same thing about the patient files.
February 9th, 2012 at 9:33 am
I’d pay to see an alien singing Bon Jovi 🙂
February 13th, 2012 at 2:04 pm
I’ll let you know if we can make it happen.
February 9th, 2012 at 10:38 am
Did you see Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind. Omg! So scared of Owls now. Seriously, all aliens are freakishly scary.
February 13th, 2012 at 2:04 pm
I haven’t seen it. And it’s not on Netflix. =(
February 9th, 2012 at 10:59 am
Bon Jovi karaoke would totally win me over.
February 9th, 2012 at 11:26 am
I was pretty excited when I heard about Cowboys & Aliens, but then I thought, the concept is probably gonna be a lot better than the execution. Sounds like I was right. (I second the vote for CE3K. It’s just a terrific movie.)
February 9th, 2012 at 11:38 am
Maybe we can get them a Netflix account?
February 13th, 2012 at 2:04 pm
Who would pay for it? I wonder if we could barter.
February 9th, 2012 at 12:17 pm
Naw, I didn’t see it. Okay, a couple of things. First, Aliens go to places where there are a lot of trees. Don’t ask me why, but they do. Secondly, some of them are actually pretty cute. Demonizing them just doesn’t work with me. Look at Tom Cruise. I mean he’s a little goofy and all but he’s not ugly.
February 13th, 2012 at 2:04 pm
Best comment ever.
February 9th, 2012 at 12:27 pm
Bwahahaha!
I hope the next item on your to-do list is to beam this list up to them. Pretty please?
February 13th, 2012 at 2:05 pm
As soon as I track down a beamer….
February 9th, 2012 at 12:52 pm
I hope aliens subscribe to your blog!!
February 9th, 2012 at 12:55 pm
I’d like to request that everyone, aliens, humans, angels, demons, vampires, werewolves…not poke me in the eye when they meet me, please.
February 13th, 2012 at 2:05 pm
Good point.
February 9th, 2012 at 2:13 pm
Are they wanted “Dead or Alive” (love that song!)
Are you secretly an Alien? Those who protest the loudest…just sayin’
Sandi
http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
Lake Forest, CA
February 13th, 2012 at 2:05 pm
I am definitely not an alien. I’ve heard aliens don’t like Pop-Tarts.
February 9th, 2012 at 2:19 pm
I saw this one also at the drive-in last summer (along with rotten bosses) and though I was distracted by the cars and food, thought it was good. Loved the concept. And agree on the whole probing thing –enough already, you dirty space pervs!
February 9th, 2012 at 7:43 pm
similarly, http://forbettergenius.wordpress.com/2011/07/31/drgoldlum_or_how_i_learned_to_stop_worrying_and_love_the_invasion/
Jeff Goldblum, aliens, probing, and invasions…. what more could you ask for?
February 9th, 2012 at 9:53 pm
Bad touch! I am cracking up (and simultaneously guarding my bum).
February 10th, 2012 at 3:16 pm
I absolutely love your recommendation that the aliens read your “What I Learned from Movies” posts instead of probing our bodies. And now I have a mental image of aliens huddled around a laptop together, reading your posts and nodding. And shrugging. And saying, “She makes a valid point” in their own alien language. Or mind-meld. Whichever.
February 11th, 2012 at 3:59 pm
I have a couple friends and we go see blockbuster movies that should be seen in the theater as matinees. Because it’s cheaper. A little cheaper.
We never go in with high expectations. We just want to see things get blown up and the good guy win without having to think.
I recommend such activity. It’s how I saw this one. Those aliens ARE always coming after us for something.
February 28th, 2012 at 8:34 am
[…] I’m sure you read my first letter, and I’m interpreting your silence as hostile. Now you leave me no choice. I’m going […]
February 29th, 2012 at 12:00 am
This one’s pretty funny, too!