Salmonella: The Biggest Conspiracy Ever

Time to test your knowledge. Are the following items real or made up?

• Aliens
• Bigfoot
• Nessie the Lochness Monster
• Abominable Snowman
• Salmonella

Hopefully you answered “real” for all of them except one. Salmonella is the biggest conspiracy ever. It’s not real. Let me explain….

Raw Cookie Dough

I’ve been eating raw cookie dough for years, and I’ve never had salmonella.

Salmonella isn’t real. It’s just something parents made up, so there would actually be dough left to make cookies. And because parents don’t want their children all hopped up on sugar running around like mini-maniacs.

The Name “Salmonella”

Say “Salmon.” Now say “Ella.” It should have sounded like “Sam-on-Ella.” Want me to use it in a sentence?

Look behind the bleachers, and you’ll see some Sam-on-Ella action.

When you’re talking about the fish, you don’t pronounce the “L.” Suddenly, when you’re talking about the bacteria, you pronounce the “L.”

That smells fishy to me. Sounds like someone tried to kill two birds with one stone catch two fish with one worm by stopping children from eating raw cookie dough while correcting the pronunciation of the fish.

The Symptoms (and My Potty Mouth)

You know what happens when you contract this so-called salmonella? You get faucet butt. That’s it. Then it passes.(Bwahahaha! It passes!) So how do you know if you had faucet butt from salmonella or if you got the runs from something else? You don’t know.

In conclusion, if you have children, perpetuate the salmonella myth because that means more raw cookie dough for you.