While searching for Thanksgiving movie to watch for Movies Teach Us, I ran across Children of the Corn 7. Corn means Thanksgiving, so I decided it counted as a Thanksgiving movie. Or maybe I’m just getting the last of Halloween out of my system before diving into Christmas.
I had seen a preview for a new Children of the Corn movie, and it looked scary, so I gave this one a try.
- Never have kids. They’re creepy. And they might kill you.
- When you see a girl playing hopscotch in a pentagram, it’s time to leave town.
- Don’t hand creepy kids some quarters for an arcade game and say, “The more you kill, the better.”
- When creepy stuff is going on, don’t light candles. That’s just prepping yourself for the sacrifice.
- Throwing corn into a bathtub will create a corn stalk monster that will kill you.
Most importantly, I learned to do my research. I thought Children of the Corn 7: Revelation was the new one. It wasn’t. Now I have to watch Children of the Corn: Genesis.
When you put Revelation in the title, make sure it’s the last movie, just like the Bible. I’m not sure if you’ve ever heard of the Bible, but Genesis is at the beginning. Please number your movies to avoid further confusion.
Also, with 8 Children of the Corn movies, maybe you could change it up a little and make it more modern. Maybe use candy corn instead. But then I guess you can’t have corn stalk monsters. But you could have people suffocate themselves with the plastic bags the candy comes in.
Oh…but they have labels warning people against that. Maybe stick with the corn stalk monsters. But I guess you knew that already. That’s why you make the big bucks.